I've spent the last few days traveling with H. He's done a complete turn around. He's really trying to make up for the past years of neglect. He couldn't treat me better if I wrote a script for him to follow. <P>Now there is a new problem. <P>I don't want this. After spending years trying to win him back, I've discovered now that I don't want him back. <P>This morning I told him that I want him to move out. If he doesn't leave, then I will. <P>I don't think I need to stay here at the MB site now that I'm no longer working to save my marriage. <P>I wish you all the best, don't plan A to long. I think that's what I did. My love for him is so dead that I don't want to try to repair the marriage. <P>Thanks to everyone who was here for me when I needed you. I won't try to name you all, It would take to many pages to write all the thank you's. <P>Keo<P>My roller coaster ride is over <P>

Keo,<P>Please respond back...<P>What happened?<P>Try not to give up on this...<BR>...you're so close!<P>Please?<P> <P>Jim

Jim,<P>how can I not respond to your plea? I know you don't want me to give up. I can't keep going. There's nothing there to go with anymore. <P>I think the love died long ago. Looking back now, maybe it was just a case of envy. Maybe I didn't really want H. I just didn't want anyone else to have him. We had a few good years before all the hell started. I can't even remember the good times anymore. The last several years we've been like strangers sharing the house a couple of days a month.<P>I can't explain it. I don't know what happened. I just don't feel anything for him anymore. There's nobody else, there's no desire for anyone else. <P>Maybe I just got used to living alone and now I don't want to share my life with anyone again.<P>Keo<BR>

Keo,<P>I know I <B>am</B> going to have those same feelings if(when) my W ever comes back to me.<P>Things are substantially better now...<BR>I'm more financially sound...<BR>The house has never been cleaner... more organized...<BR>The kids are having great quality time with me...<BR>So why would I want her back???<BR>After all... I know all of the above will suffer when she comes back!!!!<P>Because that is not the point!<BR>Money isn't my life...<BR>Order/cleanliness isn't my life...<BR>And sooner or later the kids will grow up...<BR>... and will be just a part of my life!<P>The point is...<BR><B>I want a relationship</B>!!!<BR>and what is easier?... starting off new?... NO WAY!<BR>staying with my W... IS EASIER!<BR>Working... struggling... together...<BR>Binding... healing... giving...<BR>That will give me pride!<BR>That will give me strength!<BR>That will give me self-assurance!<BR>The road less traveled... is the better road!<BR>Walking out... of my own accord... will give me nothing! Giving up will give me nonthing.<P>I hope for your sake this is just a phase.<BR>Please let it be.<P>Perhaps some medication for you...<BR>Some counseling for you... is in order!<P>I don't mean to put you (or your decision) dowm... I mean to pick you up... Honest... <P>Jim<BR>

Ok Jim,<P>I'll admit that you might be right, maybe it's just a phase I'm going thru. I should know that from all I've learned here at MB. But it sure feels real!<P>I'll give it some time and go to a doc for some medication & counseling.<P>After all, I don't want to bury it till I'm sure it's dead. (I think it's really dead, but I'll give it one last shot before I throw in the towel.)<BR> <BR>I've fought for this for so many years that another month or two isn't too much to give.<P>It sure feels weird to be on the other side. Shame on me, but I'm enjoying my position. It feels good to not be the one hurting for a change. <P>I still think that I'll stay away from the site, or at least I won't post. I'll let you know how it turns out. <P>Thanks again Jim, you've been a real help to me so many times. <P>Keo<P>Now quit reading and go rest your eyes.

Keo,<BR>Love is a decision first and foremost. There will be those periods where you actual FEEL that you hate your spouse. Lord knows I am going throught that period right now. Love means having your spouse's best interest at all times even when we are angry with them because they didn't respond in a way that was meaningful to us.<P>With his treatment of you, the love feeling will come back. Besides the feelings come and go like the wind. But the decision should stand forever. That is why the Bible says that love never fails because it is a decision.<P>MONDO HUG!!!!!<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

Keo,<P>I want to give you what ever support you need, but I fell I must echo what Jim is saying. I think Harley has some things in his Q&A column under "Can't we Just Forgive and Forget", that you may want to read through, about where you are at right now. You and your H are exactly where Lor & I are. I had beat her down so far, taken away her respect for herself and for me, have put her through so much pain and suffering for almost 2 years. This is a natural reaction according to Harley. You have worked so hard, and your work has paid off. I think that you are in a state of withdrawl. You have some defenses built up around you. I think that you feel that if you drop your defense a little to let your H deposit into your Love Bank, that he will betray that trust that you have shown, or hurt you again. This is a very difficult time for you, but please know that God is holding you, and you need to lean on him, he will not let you go. Baby steps. Your marriage truly can be more incredible than you could imagine. That is God's promise. <P>Go to the Q&A column and read the letter to Dr Harley from C.S., and his response back to him. It doesn't quite fit your situation, but some of the points that Harley makes, may give you some insight.<P>Keo, I know that your spirit is beaten down right now, but take your cares to the Lord and he will comfort you. Let God's Love soften your heart, so that you may again see the goodness in your Husband. Jesus bared all on the cross for all of our sins. <P>Hang in there. Victory is yours. I think this might be a good time for the two of you to talk with Dr Harley, or a counselor about your feelings.<P>Take care. You are loved.

Keo,<P>At least stay and talk on this thread before you go. As you know, I've been having my own difficulties, but I wanted to post to you. Been there, to some extent wonder if I still am.<P>First, I believe it is a stage we all have to go through. When he finally starts doing it right, we wonder if we've won the booby prize. This is a very normal reaction after all we've been through. But Jim is right, give it some time.<P>If you could have a wonderful relationship with this man, would you want it? I mean if you could really have the romantic relationship again??<P>Many of my posts here and in recovery have been a result of my feeling this same way. FHL has consistently encouraged me to give it time. Yes, it does feel good to have the tables turned. My h has been more committed than I for the last couple of months.<P>My h has been so supportive through the miscarriage and so good with the kids, yet I still feel an emptiness. Yet, at the same time, there have been sparks, times when I feel I am falling in love with him again, with my eyes wide open to his many strengths and his faults.<P>IF we can build this "wonderful marriage", this is surely not the time to give up. And I do see that it can be much better than before.<P>But I speak only for myself. Though I still wonder if I can truly be happy with him, I know my h is a wonderful man. I truly respect and like him. It has been a long process to rediscover this. I actually set aside my feelings long enough to attempt an objective inventory of his good and bad qualities, and realized how much good there was.<P>Keo, this is only a guess, but if you're anything like me, you are pressuring yourself to make a decision. Either he goes, or you are here 100%. You don't have to decide right now. Enjoy the change in him and see where it leads. As FHL keeps telling me, it takes time. Relax.