Ok its a simple question really. Does everyone forgive and forget?? I just can't seem to get my H's afair out of my brain. Well acually I'm capable of doing my normal life 6 days a week then seem to haev one bad day a week where something triggers my memories of my H's afair. And he hurt just floods back in. An example is I saw somethign on TV that symbolized a "Act" My H did with His OW.....it was a parody and was ment to be funny on a Primetime TV show. But it sent me into tears. <P>Things like this happen from time to time. A Patient of mine shared OW first name and that got me thinking of the OW and all the lies and hurt my H seemed dead set on causeing me. His simple solution is to say this...."I don't know what to do for you" and he wants to subject closed. He can't deal with me and my hurt...so I'm forced to SHUT up my whole life. I"M NOT HAPPY...but nobody seems to care. Its get over it additude around ehre big time. Swallo my pride and all the hurt and get over it. I oviously can't do that. The hurt runs so deep.....I ahte to be mellow dramatic but I do indeed feel pain to my inner soul. I'm no longer who I was....I fine little joy in life and ZERO joy in my marriage. Can I love a Cheater? CAn I love a man whos only excuse is he was "confused"?<P>HElp<BR>Confusedwife<BR>

Yes you can.<P>You can get over this. It is going to take time. You can forgive. It is a process, though. You may not forget, however, but the "sting" and pain and triggers will become less and less over time. <P>Keep taking it one day at a time, and learn how to deal with the pain. <P>You have come so far. You are doubting, but I am reassuring you - that you can overcome this - just keep plodding along - one day at a time.

Confusedwife,<P>Forgiving and forgetying are 2 completely different issues...<P>Do check out...<A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A>...<P>Forgetting is the much hard of the two. There was a good post awhile back on "triggers"... check it out...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/007102.html" TARGET=_blank>How do you deal with "TRIGGERS?"</A>! I tjink time is the main answer here... and for some... a long time!<P>Prayers to you... <BR>I know you need them now...<P>Jim

Good Morning ConfusedWife,<P>There's a very simple answer to your Question: NO!<P>Forgiving and forgetting are two very different things. After about three months of the agony of living with my husband's affair and having him regularly apologize and ask me to forgive him, and after a lot of prayers, I decided that forgiveness wasn't just going to happen on its own. I made the decision to forgive him and for us to try to heal our relationship.<P>It didn't happen in a moment, but over a period of time of about three weeks. Everytime I would begin to feel angry towards him, I would tell him that I was forgiving him for the affair and opening my heart to allow healing. It worked.<P>Forgetting is another thing entirely. I have never known anyone who said "My spouse had an affair, but I've completely forgotten about it". That is not going to happen, unless something happens to affect the mind like illness or injury.<P>You have to find a way to deal with the memory, and I haven't found that yet. But forgiveness is within your power. It just isn't very easy!<P>Hope this helps somewhat.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

I want to thank everyone who replied to my letter. It seems almost as if I'm reverting to a more painful state. Today on my ride back from work i tried to imagine myself with my H without my daughter....and you know what I saw a unhappy me. Its not that my H is doing anything wrong now. Funny thing is he was unhappy before his affair adn now I'm unhappy after it. Before he had his OW I was thrilled with life and how nicely things were going. Now I'm no longer blind and unfortunatly i see the negative in everything.<P>AS a nurse i'm reluctant to get depression med's. But i fear I'm in my own little hell. I know i'm making myself sad and I'm making things worse, But I can't pull out of it. I just feel teh hurt so badly. H doesn't want to talk about it ever. He says I'm punishing him. So I suffer alone. Since the mear mention of my pain is me "being mean" I have to shut up. Adn I suffer and suffer and suffer. maybe its time for me to leave? Perhaps i'm one who can never recover? How could I be so happy before and so Misserable now?<P>confusedwife