Sometimes I look at my husband and I ask myself, "What am I doing here?" after he cheated on me?<P>When I think about what he did to me, I feel disgusted with him, even though he is remorseful and is making it up to me.<P>I still don't trust him and am confused to what I am feeling.<P>Any other betrayed spouses feel this way?

NoTrust,<P>Even though I'm not back with my H, I can understand the feelings you are having. I've been thinking alot about that aspect, and I think that's what helped me make my decision. I don't think I would be able to trust h again. I don't think he would do what is necessary to help me learn to trust and I am the type that I would dwell on it all the time. I don't want to be miserable, and I would be.<P>that doesn't mean you can't do it. You know what you are capable of doing. And if your H is trying, let him.<P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

NoTrust<BR>I read your other post as well and am thinking that we both seem to go through the same stages fairly close together. You are asking the questions that I am asking myself right now.<P>I only have a minute now but I wanted to say that I think it's part of the process. <BR>The doubts, fears, questions....they fade and then return. I think if you look very close you will see that each time they return, they are a teeny bit less painful.<P>This is what I am trying to see. Remember that raw pain and fear? I know you do. It isn't as raw now is it? Gosh I wish it would be gone too. I wish we could force it to disappear. I don't think we can. We just have to take one minute at a time and keep the good stuff close.<BR>Hang in there girl I'm thinking of you. <BR>

Don't know how long ago your "D" day happened, but we must be close. My H's B-day is two days before mine and he expressed a wish to call her, just to let her know he thinks of her as a friend, Blech! To the best of my knowledge he did not call her. Not only because he understands better the NO contact rule, but also because he wanted to avoid conflict with me. (Sometimes conflict avoidance is a good thing!) She also had told him not to call her anymore unless we BOTH were on the line.!. I have recently found a phone card and confronted him with that as well. He swears NOTHING is happening between them, no calls, no e-mails. I know for a fact he has not seen her. There is still, and may always be a certain amount of distrust. I told him today I would be glad when my fears would not be such a obsessive part of my thinking. He said he understood and also said he would be glad when he did not have to defend every innocent action I considered suspiciou. (see my post in Recovery for more detail) We can only hope that time will be the ultimate healer. I know I don't hurt now about stuff my first long term boyfriend did to me. Can't even remember any bad feelings, but I know they were there 25 years ago. I think as long as we can communicate our continuing fears, hurts and struggles with our men in open, honest and non-love busting ways, we will come out of this stronger and more united than any of us ever thought possible. Keep up the fight ladies.<P>Beth

Mitzi, Wassi, Pilot's Wife: Thanks for responding. Although it has been a year since "D" day, this stupid thing has been dragged out because that OW contacted my H in November. It still feels recent 'cause I can't understand how he would even respond to her e-mail contact, after breaking it off with her 9 months prior.<P>Supposedly, there has been no more contact, after he wrote her that "No Contact" letter, but this feels dragged out and I hate it.<P>When my H is late or there is a change in plans, where he doesn't tell me right away...then I have those crazy anxiety attacks and assume the worst.<P>I thought I was recovering pretty well until that last contact in November. I can't believe how messed up this has made me.<P>My sister & friend surprised me by commenting that I have grown cold, withdrawn, introvert, no smiles, unsociable, untrusting...<P>I didn't even realize it but I guess it must be true. To tell you the truth, I didn't even notice that I changed (other than the fact that I don't trust anymore).<P>My H even commented that I don't smile anymore and that I'm quiet now (whereas I used to be talkative and bubbly).<P>He says that it is his fault that I became like this.<P>I've been reading a book about detachment and so far, it is pretty good. BUT, how do I find happiness again?

Hi NoTrust,<P>I know exactly what you are feeling. I check Tony's cell phone. I go through his wallet. I wake up at 4:30am to go through his computer. I search all phone bills. I hate living like this.<P>The division I work for has been bought out. I was somewhat forced to go with the new company because I was in the contract that I would go over. I should have been happy that the new company wanted me and felt I was that valuable. Instead I felt betrayed all over again by the old comapany. Durring all this I had discovered that I still have very low self esteme. I use to have a large selfworth image of myself. <P>The more I thought about it the more my conclusion centered around Tony's affairs. Over the past two and half years I have had to deal with constent crap from him. Not just the affairs but being told I was mental unstable, being told I was the one with the problems and he was perfect, dealing with his parent's accusing me of using all his money for my personal gain, and the like.<P>It was nice friday. My boss was comforting me and helping me with my major life decision to purchase a house. I sold some stock for the house and he went over everything with me. Tony never helps me with anything. Tony and I were in BestBuy looking at new appliances and he just talked right over me like he always does. <P>Tony and I have discussed his lack of respect for me a million times. I just walked off. <P>If you made it this far you are wondering well when is she going to assist me with my issue. I think what I have learned is that I am really standing up for my self. Also I really am working on myself. I need to have confidence in my abilities to just to get my job done and stay sane. Right now I fake happiness and confidence. I remind myself that I am a valuable person. I have told Tony that I can not live like this anymore. Not sure if he believes me or not. But I am tired of his crap. I am implamenting even a stronger stance on tough love. I have spelled out to Tony what I will and will not deal with anymore. <P>Sorry this is so long.

No Trust,<BR>Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am going through all the same things too. I don't have any words of wisdom, but know you are in my thoughts and prayers.<BR>Email me sometime!<P>Stac<P>------------------<BR>Jaded Heart<BR>____________<P> <A HREF="http://journeys.webprovider.com" TARGET=_blank>http://reflect.to/journeys</A> <P> <P>