Hi all<P>This is partly and update and partly asking for advise. I have not been very active here lately and I see a lot of new names &#61516; . <P>My W started an affair with an old boyfriend in 11/98. She tried to break it off 5 times. He would agree but come back begging and she wouldn’t resist. Two months ago we both agreed she had to leave. OM has a W and three teenage girls and his parents living with him. I called his W a month ago for the first time. I wanted her to know my W was free and that an affair didn’t have to mean the end of their marriage. She had known of the affair but thought it was very short term and ended last July. My W and the OM have been spending a significant amount of time together (not around our two girls who are with my W). His W must have given him an ultimatum because last week he sent my W an email and told her it was over and he was staying with his W. I know my W was very hurt but also, I think relieved. Two nights ago she came over to pick up the girls and said she wanted to talk. She told me about the letter and said she feels she has been “released”. She says she has begun questioning how responsible the OM was and what kind of life they would have had. She said she wanted me to know she feels that we are now in a position where we can work on our marriage. <P>Until W moved out, only a couple of our best friends knew anything. Since then, I have had had lots of support from a lot of our friends. I have been almost overwhelmed. It has really helped me to get through this last two months (has also contributed to my absence here). However, much of the feedback I have gotten has not been encouraging. Many of our friends have almost turned on my W. I have had mixed feelings about that. <P>But I am also having mixed feelings about what is now happening. On the down side, I feel my W is still not strong enough to resist a contact from the OM that I am almost certain will happen. I believe I want to try and mend our marriage but I want my W to really want to and I feel that right now she is just hurting and wanting to know someone still cares for her. I know she is feeling very alone. <P>Does anyone have any encouraging remarks, words of caution, or advise for me? Thanks so much. <P>Sailor<P>PS: I can’t guarantee we will stay happily married but Harley’s Plan A and B do appear to work.<BR>

Sailor,<P>Persistence my man...<BR>In clam and in raging waters!<P>Work out your own <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>!<P>Start on the <B>Four rules to guide marital recovery</B> (page 87 of SAA)<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL> <BR>In all honesty... work on these!<P>You're heading down the Harley's very narrow path to marital recovery...<P>I'm gald for you... <P>No complacency now!<P>Jim

Sailor,<P>I would go very sloooow. Your assessment of her emotions are undoubtably right on. She does not want to be alone which is not the same as wanting to really do the hard work of restoring the marriage. She really has no clue how much damage she has done. As you haven't been showing her the level of pain and hurt you have.<P>So I would recommend going very slow, but give it a go . Things might turn out well. Certainly, this turn of events is more positive than negative.<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL

Thanks for your responses and encouragement. If I understand both of the above replies they seem to contradict. Well, maybe not. I guess it makes sense to proceed with caution. <P>I have been getting along great with our girls since I am with them without the influence of my very overprotective W. I sent her a note and said, in a very positive way that I want to have them more – to really develop a relationship with them while we are living apart. My W feels very dependant on them and wants them to be on her (I guess). I said Friday PM till Sunday PM every other week. She called and left a message for me this morning that this was just not do-able. She can’t go more than one night at a time without them. She says once every weekend is OK but not a whole two days and nights. I feel like I need to do some standing of my ground. I feel I am in somewhat of a position of strength. Should I cave in to this?<P>Sailor<BR>

Sailor,<P>I don't see any conflict between what NSR said and I said, but maybe know what I meant to say and not what you are reading into what I wrote.<P>As for the children, they are your children also. She had the affair and if you go to court I suspect she will have to go to joint custody at least. So I do think I would stand my ground, if I were you. You are as responsible for them as your W and the courts will happily tell you so . <P>I would have a long talk about this and since you are not sure what you want in this relationship and she surely isn't, then the possibility of legal separation might open her eyes. <P>I am sure she is very needy right now, but she put herself into this situation. I am not talking revenge here, but you as the father have a few meager rights in this situation and you should exercise them.<P>That is my $00.02. Good luck,<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL<P>

Just Learning<P>Thanks. Like so many aspects of dealing with the W's affair, what to do about our girls is a balancing act. Last night I spoke to my W about this and we agreed to my having them one night each weekend (vice all weekend every other). I don't want to get her angry at me for making power struggle type demands. What I wanted would be only marginally better in my mind and if this means a lot to her, I feel I should give in. On the other hand, I do feel there is some value in flexing my muscles so she knows where this will go if I would get a legal separation and beyond. She has put herself in this situation. This is not what I wanted. I didn't want the girls to go with her but she would not have left without them. Their dependence on one another is part of the problem with our marriage. <P>I guess I think of many things in terms of "will this hurt or help our chances of getting back together" and that is probably wrong to do. <P>Sailor