Pahakissa1, Sorry, Long post coming up.<P>I finally got some time to respond back. Hope that it helps you.<P>You know that I can't answer "why now" for your husband. All I can do is relate what I am going through. <P>If you have read some of my posts and some of Lor's, you know that I had tried several times to "get my act together." But I could never get completely through the withdrawl, kept going off my meds, and I couldn't get past the depression, the guilt and shame, and I just bottomed out. <P>For me, it is not a "why now" question. It is a "finally", I have my life going in the right direction, and have the right perspective. I have asked God back into my heart, and in doing so, he has filled me with the spirit, and the power to take control of my life again. I now have confidence in myself, no matter what happens in my life, God has a plan for me, and his will be done, not mine.<P>I don't have any control on whether or not my marriage will survive, but I do have control of how I live my life. This is something that I said to "Apprhensive, on her post titled "unlike morals" dealing with lying:<P>------------------------------------<BR>Apprehensive,<BR>Yes, you are right about the lies. As a betrayer I became a very good liar. Even when I was caught in a lie, it was like I still could not tell the truth. It was part of what the whole affair was about, one big lie. My affair has been over for several months, but every once in a while, there would be contact between myself and the OW. We both work for the same employer, but in different buildings. She sent me an email, saying that she would be attending a certain employer function, so that we could avoid crossing paths. But all this message accomplished was to keep contact going, and thus not letting this thing die. About a month ago, I was going to do the same thing for her, by sending her an email. I know, DUMB! I knew it was wrong, because I sat there contemplating it for about a day and a half. But, I think God wanted this to happen, because I could have sent that message at any time, but just when I started to write it, my W walked in and saw it, and even though she saw it right on the screen, my first thought was to deny it. It was the betrayer in me, the deceiver in me coming thru. I think that God wanted to expose him once and for all. <P>The reason I tell you this, is because Satan uses all these little tricks to destroy what ever is good in you. So.... what do I do about this. I know my weakness, how do I combat that? Here's what I am doing: I do not put myself in any kind of position, nor do anything that I would have to lie about. I only associate and take counsel only with christian people now. I pray constantly for God to work in me every day. I respect myself, have confidence in myself, always ask the question to myself WWDJ (What Would Jesus Do), ask myself, is this something that my wife and children would approve of, and respect me for? I read the bible for inspiration, for guidance, for reassurance and attend bible study. I read others experiences on this board, and post to others to try to give them inspiration, and help. I am trying to serve the Lord, by serving others (Let your light shine...). I can not go back and change what I did or who I was, but thru God, I can be a person that others can repect, trust and believe in once again. <P>Apprehensive, I know that this is not going to be an easy path for me, but it is the right path, and it has many riches at the end of it. In order for me to become the man, the husband, the father that my family would love, trust and respect, I first must commit myself to my relationship with God. My W can not trust or believe me, but she does trust God. If my W and my daughters can see that Jesus is working my life, that is something they can trust and believe in.<BR>-----------------------------------------<P>I put all of my trust in the Lord for my life. I don't control my W's actions, can not make Lor and my children love and respect me again. I can only try to live my life the way God had intended me to live it, knowing that I am forgiven, and can give forgiveness. I take peace and confidence from that thought. I continue to be repentant for all of the hurt and pain that I have given to so many people during this time, but I do not let the guilt and shame control my life anymore. It was destroying my life and my marriage just as much as the affair did.<P>Here's is why I still want the marriage:<P>- Because God hates divorce, and wants my marriage to be a beautiful union in his eyes. <P>- Because I have spent over half of my life (I'm 40), with this woman, who I know every nuance of, and she does of me. We have had for the most part, a great marriage, with some bumps along the way, but excluding this affair, that is part of what a marriage is about. Lor has helped me tremendously through out my life, and I her. A husband and a wife need to make many sacrifices to have a great marriage. Lor sacrificed the last 2 years of her life for me. Now it's my turn to sacrifice what ever it takes to make her and the children happy.<P>- Because I have two wonderful and beautiful daughters, and I know that they need a mother and father together working in their lives. They will have so much more of an opportunity to succeed, in life, if they belong to one house, 2 loving parents, and seeing that Lor and I can succeed, no matter what the trials that are placed before us.<P>I pray that you and your H will be a success story. Take care. <P><BR> <P> <BR>
