Dear Friends,<P><BR>I need some advice. I will be meeting with my ex tommorow and don't know how to handle the situation.<P>Many of you know my story but here is a quick overview and update since I have not posted in a while. <P>My girlfriend of three years cheated on me with a co-worker for three months, she tried half heartedly to work things out with me for two months, while still communicating with him. She said it was not working and left for good two months ago.<P>I took her for granted, and she never communicated any of her issues with me until she revealed the OP.(she wanted to get married, and thus I thought she was happy) <BR> <BR>We have had one converation since she left, and it was actually very open and honest. The first we ever had! She feels we should have never been together in the first place, and I was not easy to talk too. (I feel it is easy to say this since she is involved with somneone else.)<P>I take a lot of responsible for the demise of this realtionship, and tried to show her I could change during our last two months together. But I feel in our last converation she was justifing what she did, and feels I forgive her. She can now move on with her life with no regreds.<P>Unfortunatily, I do not feel that way. She has taken some responsibility for not communicating, but does not seem to be sorry for not discussing things until it was too late. <P>I feel cheated, because we never got a chance to work on our problems. We are both in counseling, and again I feel she will just use what she learns to have a better realtionship with her OP. She agrees that is exactly what will happen.<P>I asked if we could talk in person, and she agreed, to my surprise. But agin, I think she just wants to feel better about what she has done.<P>Here is my problem:<P>If she deceided that she wanted to start fresh, I would agree, but I know that would only happen after OP is out of the picture and could take a long time. I am certain she does not feel this way now.<P>I am slowly tryng to move on with my life, and miss her less and less each day. I don't think I can go back to Plan A at this point. I really would like her to admit that the lying and cheating were wrong. I want her to know that running away from problems does not fix the problem. She will have the same communication problems with the OP. <P>My frustaion is that we will never know if we could have worked things out, because she never talked to me until she had OP lined up.<P>Is there a way I can communicate all of the above and still leave her feeling that if things change I would be willing to try agin?<P>I know most of what I want to say are major LB's but I feel this is the last time I will ever speak with her, and I don't want her to think I have forgiven her and we can now some how be friends, and what she did was justified. I really think that lets her off the hook.<P>In a way, I think she wants us to feel resolved for her issues so she can start socializing with our friends agin. (which were my friends prior to the realtionship)<BR>I really do not want that, it would kill me.<P>Also, when I see her, I might just lose it (in a sad way). So maybe this meeting is not a good idea.<P>I know everyone will advice that I need to decide if I really went her back, then do the Harley Plan A or B. But at this point, I can't subject myself to that type of torture. She needs to do some work if she decides she wants to be together at some point in the future.<P>How do I tell her how I would like to work on things, yet tell her how disapointed I am in her at the same time?<P>Or should I just call the whole thing off? <P>Thanks for taking the time to read and post back. Sorry I have not been around. Like I said, I am slowly trying to move on with my life.

Joe,<P>It'se been few days since I've seen you on the boards.<P>IMHO, I think you can relate to her what you feel without any angry outbursts, selfish demand, disrespectful judgement and annoying behavior. Try to keeps everything in a very loving careing tone. Don't tell her how she feels, ask her. Tell her how you feel without disrespecting her. Don't do the look at me. Let her get a feel for that from your actions. Show her that you are a careing and loving person that is really interested in what she say and feels.<P>Joe, make sure you have absolutely no expectation.<P>You can and should do this. It will let yourself know that you tried, and did what you could.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Joe,<P>I guess I would just let it be. You cannot make her feel guilty and then say I want to work on this relationship. She has moved on to OP as you know. That will not change until she wants it to. So don't worry about her.<P>As for your friends, explain to them about what you feel. It is their choice about socializing with her, not yours. I believe that you could tell her that you accept the situation but you really don't accept how she did this to you.<P>But actually, Joe, as one who dated many women before marriage, I would recommend that you just let it be. If things are meant to work out between you two they will. All you can do is learn from this experience and move on.<P>As I have said to several people here, just remember: "A life well lived is the best revenge". Go forward and live your life well. Enjoy new people, old friends, and your work. You will find the right person and your joy in life will bother exGF greatly. <BR>Why? Because if she did this to you, she will do it again and she will not find the happiness she is seeking.<P>Joe, you may not realize this right now, but you were not married to her and she has done you a big favor. A much bigger one than she has done for herself.<P>Relax, Joe, things will work out well. You will always remember her, but more importantly you will always be able to use what you have learned about yourself and relationships. So my advice again, learn to smile, enjoy life, commit to life and enjoy every moment. You will be amazed who that will attract to you.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Bill,<P>Thanks for the advice. I feel I need to talk to her to at the very least get some closure. I really have no expecttions.<P>However, I know she will be the cold stranger she was the last few weeks we were together. That may hurt a lot.<P>I have been feeling a lot better lately, so I don't know if I will go through with this. I just don't know if I should open old wounds.<P>How are you? Our situations sounded very similar. I have been lurking, but no t many posts.<P>Thanks again,<P>JJ <P><BR>JL,<P>I know what you mean. Between Bill and yourself, I swear you are both right. I have been moving on and feeling much better about myself. Seeing her may just open up some wounds, and put me right back to recovery.<P>I am goingto sleep on it and see how I feel. If I am not ready, I will postpone.<P>Thanks for your help,<P>JJ