My compnay is sending me to Europe on business and my H has decided to join me for a weeks vacation afterwords .<P>I am very excited but also nervous. Some times I get so frustrated with what seems to me be his indifference to working on our relationship. <P>It is not that he does not do anything, but it seems he does not realize the damage this did to us. I told him that I did not think he felt the same way about me any more.<P>His response was one of surprise. He said, "You don't? Why not? and then he insisted that his feelings for me never changed." How can he not realize how this has effected me or us? How is it that this is a surprose to him? It seems like complete denial to me.<P>This kind of behavior drives me nuts! If his feelings for me never changed then why did he have the EA? If he loves me now, why can't he go out of his way to reassure me after what has happened?<P>I like the idea of spending time w/him in Europe but am affraid of spending so much time with him too. You know what I mean? I have decided that I want to do this since I do not see what good can come of not trying this but boy and I scared. <P>I would love your comments and advice.<P>Acacia

I think the trip to Europe with him sounds like awonderful idea. Are you both currently in counseling??? I just wish my husband would come home.<P>Is your biggest apprehension the fear, the knowledge? or the lack of complete knowledge??? <P>Have you two been able to figure out how to meet each others needs????<P><BR>I have no real clue what is going on in my h case. I know it has been an EA but it looks more like alien possession. The good news is that he started off by telling me that he is not completely conscious of what he is doing. things deteriorated after that, but I found out through a friend today that he confided to a mutual friend (who had a similar "addiction" problem but to drugs) that he was a mess. That he was confused.<P>I'm beginning to suspect that when the s. says they don't know why they said the things they did or did the things they did that they are telling the truth. <P>If I ever get to the Recovery part (and believe you me I am trying to and praying to) that I may not want to know too many details but rather Thank God for winning his heart and soul over and figuring out the "what to do's) to make the marraige the strong marraige I thought we had!!!!!<P>I don't know if this helps or not but I wanted to respond. Whenever doubts or insecurities come floating into your mind, pray!!!!! it really really really works.<P>When is the trip? I would like to know how it goes. Claudia

I went to Germany with my H in September, six months after "D" day, and we really had a good time. I try to completely erase all thoughts of "what he did" from my mind when we are together to allow the pleasure of the moment to have 100% of my attention. I can't say I do this very well when he is away from home, but when we are together my focus is the "here and now" I don't think "what if this is a charade" "what if he has a hidden agenda" when we are together, but those thoughts do crop up when he is gone. Our trip to Germany was great. I used the opportunity to wear some of the outfits I could not get away with in the little town we live in and I loved the attention I got for my efforts, both from him and men passing by. I think he was proud to have me by his side and that met one of his needs, too. <BR>Life is too short to worry every moment of it. Choose your worry times wisely. Use the time in Europe to play, laugh, tease, eat and make love. Keep in mind your man is with you, not HER. It could be sooooooo much worse.<P>Keep us posted.<P>Beth

Thanks so much for your replies.<P>We are in the process of looking for a councelor. We were seeing a therapist but realize we need someone that is a marriage councelor. As a result of that, I have to say we could know much more about each others needs. <P>We have done the questionare but he does not act on my responses and he tells me his EA had nothing to do with me. It was more about his own insecurities and weaknesses at the time. So we are at this awful standstill. We are toghther but certainly not the happy couple we once were. We need the direction of a councelor. <P>My H is a wonderful guy who has also been very passionate and romantic with me for 18 years! That is, until his EA. That passion has not yet returned and I end up feeling so hurt by this. It is so hard to be with him when it seems he is so much less interested in me. <P>I wonder sometimes why he stayed. On the other hand, I am sure that his EA is over. He has had pleanty of opportunites to be with her and has not acted on any of them. Also no calls on his cell bill etc...<P>I don't want to LB on vacation. So how do I get through the day when we end up in some romantic spot and nothing happens? Especially when I know what used to happen all the time???? It is a constant reminder of what is gone and it hurts so much.<P>That is what I am afraid of. I am afraid I won't handle those types of situations well at all. I don't want to feel like his sister. And yes, I can make the first move at times. But I also want him to do that to. I need to know that I am important to him too. How do I get through this and not LB?<P>Pilot's Wife - I agree, that I will not bring up what happened and will really focus on letting go and having fun. <P>Where did you go in Germany? That is where I am heading. I was encouraged to read that your trip went well.<P>Thanks again for your replies.<P>acacia<P>

Just a thought. How about detaching yourself alittle. That's what I've been doing while I am doin g plan A with him out of the house.. MY H seems confused about a lot of things . He was feeling trapped in the marraige and with the kids. I just let him go. <P>I have had to detach alittle so I can better deal with the kids. <P>I kind of feel that for my H there is also some insecurities and maybe underlying depression. If you can somehow keep telling yourself that it is not about the OP or you but about him maybe that can get you through it. Good luck!

acacia,<P>We went to Cologne. Walked around a lot. Ate and drank different kinds of beer. Rented bikes and went across the river (about a four hour round trip) Climbed to the top of the church. The whole adventure was a lot of fun, but don't know if the place was romantic or not. "My" attitude toward him and "his" response to my attitude was the romantic thing I guess. What was offered freely was NOT turned down, so to speak. Don't worry about "who" starts it. Just be true to your own feelings. If you want to hold his hand while walking together, grab his hand. If you want to kiss him infront of the Reine river, kiss him. Be the excited, happy person he will remember from your pre-EA life. <P> Have fun with the clothes you wear. I wore this one number out one night with garters, and fancy leggings, a very short skirt and a hint of clevage. He kept commenting things like "Did you see that guy look at you?" "What have you got on under that." My response was something like. "I felt like being a little daring since no one here knows me. Later tonight you can see what I have on under this."<BR>If at the end of the day when you return to your hotel room and "nothing happens", whether you spent the evening in wierd or normal clothes, cuddle and hug him anyway. You can say you are disappointed he's "not in the mood" if you want to, but if you do temper it with a follow-up something along the lines of "I am just so happy you are here with me I can't help wanting to show it a little. Thanks for coming." Then give him a hug and 10 second kiss and turn over.<BR> <BR>Everytime you fight the fear of rejection with "I'm gonna love him anyway, coz I do!" you will be true to yourself as well as opening the door a little wider for him to respond in kind. He is fearful of the "ultimate" rejection from you, I think, perhaps because he believes you will never fully get over this and love him again. He needs reassurance too, and at this point, you have to the be ultimate Plan A'er. I know you want to hear and feel that you are his everything, etc. but right now focus on being his everything instead. What you give will come back.<P>You may think this advise is totally unrealistic, and maybe it is in your case, but I have had nothing but good results in this area using techniques such as these.<P>Good Luck, let us know what happens.<P>Sincerely,<P>Beth

Claudia,<P>I think you are right. I need to grow a bit here and get over my own insecurites and let go.<P>For what it is worth, my H was also "possessed' during the EA. I think it is hopeful that your H understands that he is confused. I will think of you and say some prayers for you and your H.<P>It took time in my case for my H to come to his senses. As most people do during EA, he lied to himself about the depth of his relationship with her. He kept thinking that as long as it was not physical it was OK. <P>After counceling he has now owned up to the EA and how wrong it was. The fact that your H has recognized his own confusion is very good. <P>I will try to be strong. I know that compared to most of the posts here my current issue is pretty light weight. My fear is that we will never be what we once were. I hope that is not true.<P>I will keep you posted.<P>Acacia