I need advice! My husband and I have had a rocky marriage for the past 8 yrs. I have now met someone new, who is also in an unhappy marriage with grown children, and we have seen each other 4 times now. I have 2 boys who are my world and I couldn't live w/out them. The man I am seeing and I are serious about some day spending the rest of our lives together. We E-mail each other daily and talk on the phone alot. We are in love and he's all that I think about! I need some advice about what I should do concerning divorcing my husband, keeping custody of my boys, alimony, etc. (I do not work outside the home) What could my husband do to me in court if he found out that I am secretly seeing someone? Please Help Me!!

Wish,<P>I think you should know that the main purpose of this board is to help people recover from infidelity.<P>We are both the betrayed and betrayers. I for one am not going to give you advice on how to protect yourself from your betrayed H since you are quite happey being an adulterer. Should you chose to try to save your marriage I would give you all the support I can.<P>Does your H know about your Affair?<BR>Any chance you want to save your marriage?<P>Think this through before you destroy your childrens family.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Hello, Wish.<P>In reading your post, it seems you're looking more for advice regarding separation/divorce than marriagebuilding, is that right? I can't offer any advice in that department (this is marriagebuilders), but wanted to ask you why don't you think your marriage is salvageable? Sorry to say that I believe that your relationship with this other man (from what I've read) is most likely clouding your judgement regarding your own marriage. I was involved in an affair, so I know where you're coming from unfortunately, and looking back upon it, it truly was a fantasy. <P>It does sound as if you have your mind made up about divorce/separation, and I would STRONGLY suggest you hold off on that, just to clear your head. I know in my own affair that I did not see what I was doing to my family (I have two children) and my husband. Are you attending counseling? If not I would say that you need to look at your "relationship" with this OM on a more realistic level...by that I mean you've only seen him 4 times, you are thinking about giving up your husband and perhaps sharing joint custody (maybe even giving up custody?) of your children for this man?? I mean, does this sound like a good plan, a well thought out plan? Please consider all of the consequences and get some counseling before making any decisions.

*wish<P>I am interested in the "unhappy marraige" part. Have either of you taken any steps to figure out why you are unhappy in the marraige and done something about it???

Thank you for your understanding words, Connor. And BB, I was hoping not to be judged so harshly! If I was absolutely sure about my decision to leave H, do you think I'd be writing here? No. I am sorry if I am writing to the wrong forum. I didn't realize it at the time. Here's a short version of my marriage, Claudia. H has been critical of my weight all our marriage,(I'm 5'9, 150 lbs, causing me lack of confidence, he doesn't spend any time with our boys so I have felt like a single parent in that regard, and H won't go anywhere with us. Our boys are 16 & 14 and don't even really "know" their Dad. I went to marriage counseling 8 yrs ago becuz he wouldn't go w/ me. It's hard to see progress alone. Then we both went last yr. It helped for a few months but things soon returned to "normal". I try to compensate for my boys. I am not perfect by any means, but now after 17 yrs of marriage do you see why I am sad and lonely, BB? Affairs are not justifiable, I know. I am not certain I am leaving my H. I am confused. I just wanted some impartial opinions, that's all.

Wish,<P>Thank you for giving us more information.<P>Yes, I can understand why you would be sad and lonely. What have you done so far to remedy your marrital situation? I realise that your H probably will be non responsive to whatever you do. There are several books suggested here that may give you some of the answers you seek. There is a thread on the just found out board that is a list of suggested reading. You may have to go back a month or two to find it. It was posted by NSR.<P>Do you know how to read profiles? Click the sunglasses at the to of each post. Also some back ground in your profile will help us to understand what you are going through. We do want to help you, but not in the manner you asked. If you stil have a fragment of hope for your marriage you are in the right place. There are a bunch of us going through divorce right now and some that are already divorced. Above all else we do understand the feelings you are having about your M. It is ok to have those feelings. <P>If any part of you wants to save your marriage keep posting here. I promice we will hold your hand and walk with you through the hard times that are ahead. I have never met more good, careing people in all my life.<P>So for your own sake give your marriage a chance, if it doesn't work out you will know you did all you could, and walk away with no regrets.<P>Bill

Do you really want your boys to know their mother destroyed their family for another man? And there is no way that they won't figure it out at their age. My 16 year old knew the minute her father left that there was an OW, even though she had had no idea up until that moment. <P>If you have been together 17 years, what is so hard about waiting another 4 or so until your kids are out of high school? Why put them through this? Generally speaking, teenagers do not accept a same-sex stepparent, even when the stepparent is not responsible for breaking up their family. Being a teenager is hard enough without having to add this to it as well.

*Wish,<P>I really don't have the time to post very much at the moment but, I did want to address this and say that as soon as I read the first post of yours, I figured that you were here because you weren't sure about leaving your marriage. Even if you were not aware of that fact.<P>I am sorry that it seemed to you the members here were judging your harshly. We all seem to get pretty sensitive at times about situations such as yours. Please try and remember that we are only humans who have lived through much horrible pain.<P><B>You are not writing in the wrong forum! You are writing in the perfect forum.</B><P>Just as WilliamJ (Bill) our good buddy said, I have never met such a wonderful group of caring, supporting and loving people as I have here. There is a wealth of all of that plus so much valuable information here.<P>It sounds like you have had a very rough go of your marriage and it is very understandable how you feel so lost and lonely. <P>Unfortunately that does not excuse and affair even though it may explain how it came about. Believe me I am not judging you! I am making a judgment on your choice. I understand all to well what a bad marriage is like and what made my husband feel he had to seek solace with another woman.<P>The pain that comes about from that choice is so deep, it is gut wrenching. You only have to read and read some more here to understand that.<P>You have only been with this person four times. You talk on the phone and send e-mails back and forth. Trust me you don't know this person. None of us really knows another until we spend much time with them in the real world. Not a world that is of deceit and kept secret.<P>The dynamics of an affair are complicated and so are the dynamics of a marriage.<P>The affair is truly a fantasy, and addiction and rarely survives in the light of day. When it too, has to deal with all the problems of day to day life it rarely survives. The statistics alone are against it.<P>Your children will suffer greatly and so will his. Your spouses no matter how horrible they may seem to the two of you will suffer in ways you can't even fathom.<P>If you want to rebuild your marriage it is going to take tons and then more, hard work. It is not an easy road to travel. If you decide to do that, you will get more support here than you can ever imagine.<P>If it is finically possible for you I highly recommend that you counsel with Steve Harley. I was not able to do that but, have heard nothing but positives from the people who have done it.<P>You are coming here for help and we will give it to you. Be patient with us. We have all (betrayed and betrayers alike) been through so much.<P>Please let us know how you are and what way you are leaning towards? I sure hope you come back here and let us know? I hope that you haven't felt pushed away and don't come back. That was no ones intention I assure you.<P>I will lift you and your family up in prayer and the OM's too. I will pray for the restoration of both of your marriages. <P><B>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{*Wish}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</B><P>We really are a bunch of good people. <P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't loose. What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B>

Hi Wish, I am going to give you some very blunt advise here. You must stop the affair now. I am speaking from experience with internet affairs. When we first started using the internet I got tangled up talking to people, most of them men. It is very easy to get wonderful feelings from talking to someone online. I do admitt to being emotionaly attached to someone. It never bacame physical at all but the damage was done. My H was snooping on my online activities and accused me of horrible things. Just when I am cooling down he picks up a woman online and it has made my life pure hell for over 2 years now. I asked my H when this ow fell in love with him and he said almost immediatly from talking on the internet. They soon met for weekends away and I was lied to as to his whereabouts. I am not even sure if he loves her because his answer is always changing. It is just too darn easy to find "Mr or Mrs Right" on the internet when in the end the pain that is caused is overwhelming. <P>I would seriously consider therapy if not for both of you then for yourself. This might help to get your true feelings out. Everyone ends up getting hurt including the children. <P>I hope the best for you and hope you make the right decision.<P>Pam

Hi Wish,<BR>Me again<P>I am sorry but I did not read your second post here. I think it would be wise to make another attempt with your h or go to counseling yourself if he refuses. But I think it would be best if marriage is not ended because of an affair. There is just too much pain involved. I am sure that if my h and I worked out our problems before involving OP then maybe we would be happy together today. If by chance we could not save our marriage and it did end in divorce we would know it was not because of an affair. This, I feel, might lead to a friendly divorce if there is such a thing. As far as feeling like your in the wrong place, you might find some good advise here.<P>good luck and sorry again for being hasty with the first post. <P>Pam

*Wish,<P>I agree with Pinky on her last post. <P>An affair is never a good reason to end a marriage. If a marriage ends (and that is always a sad and horrible thing) it has to end on it's own lack of merits. Not because another person was the catalyst to the ending.<P>Think about it if this OM had not come into your life would you be considering divorcing at this very moment? I suspect probably not. Instead this man and your new and wonderful feelings towards him are giving you the gumshun to go in this direction.<P>You will never be able to live with the what ifs. They will always haunt you.<P>If you end this affair and work on your marriage and it ends up not working then you will know deep within your own hard that you tried with everything you had to make it work. Then and only then will you be able to go for a divorce with a clear conscience and be able to look yourself in the mirror every day with pride and self worth.<P>Just my thoughts and not a judgment. I hope this helps you some to come to a decision?<P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't loose. What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B>