I think I know what Schizzo is talking about here... Dylan agrees...<BR>It is understandable that a 'circle' develop. In fact it is natural and as we get to know one another, and friendships develop, we have a tendency to focus on our friends.<BR>But schizzo has a point, and Dylan expanded on it a little...<BR>Those in the 'circle' who have been here for a while get tons of replies. I think that's great, that friendships develop and flourish, but we should keep in mind that the newer people here have the freshest pain. (not neccesarily, but you get my point) At the very least, they are the most inexperienced in dealing with this type of pain.<BR>We should keep this in mind and ALL make and effort to focus a little more on the newbies.<BR>Am I way wrong here? Stepping past my limits?<BR>Respectfully,<BR>Deut

Sometimes I get I lot of responses and sometime I don't. SOmetimes I respond and sometimes I don't. Why? I think a lot has to do with where we are in our own pain at that moment. If Someone is in a situation that I have not been in I don't feel that I can give advice, Yes I can give support but that isn't always what that person is looking for. But even though we have little friendship groups and you will find those develop because the people are in the same stage or same place dealing with the S and the pain, most try to respond if they have anything to offer. Also this is a busy time of the year under normal conditions and we are all trying to keep things as normal as possible in our lives. I know I haven't posted very much lately but not because I don't want to but because I haven't been on line very much. I think that the is true of a lot of people. So don't give up. There is support maybe not in words but definitely in actions (The candles and prayers for us all).

I try to post only when I have something constructive to offer.<P>Especially in the aftermath of last week's flame war.

Men also tend to get more replies, go figure. <P>But when someone has been on as long as SHA & who replies to others as much as he has done, he will get support because he has supported...not necessarily a clique thing.<P>There are also new people who post with problems so immense that I know I am sometimes stymied. And there are times I post and because there aren't a whole lot of people who have gone through as many separations as I have, it is difficult for people to even offer advice. I understand that. I didn't for a long time, but I do now.<P>There was a time when I made sure I welcomed new people, currently I can't take a new onslaught of pain every time I sign on...but NSR, Deb, TNT, FHL and I'm sure there are others, have taken a turn at welcoming.<P>We're all just hurt people.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

What flame war? Did I miss a flame war?<P>

What I have found is that the more you give, the more you recieve. Very seldom do I post a topic so I don't get a lot of responses. Not many people know who I am or what my story is. Definitly my problem, not the forums. It's tough being the new person on the block wherever you go. Just keep doing.

I thought there was a clique thing going on here when I made my first initial post. However, as time went on, I found that it wasn't so much a clique but more how the post was worded in such a way that others were able to respond to it.<P>I know that I read a lot of posts but don't always post because I don't have a really good response. It is athose times that I say a prayer because I know the pain all to well having had to deal with 8 affairs of which 5 she acknowledged to our pastor because I have conclusive evidence to support my accusations.<P>I was told that snooping wasn't a very good way of saying I love you. Doesn't matter because I know that I am doing the Lord's will in spite of the errors I made in our relationship like slapping her to gete her attention. I did this twice in 14 years. Yet, I get no empathy when I have been stabbed in the leg, cut on the chin with a spatula, kicked in the shin, etc. just because she was frustrated with not being able to control me. Yet, I am the one who is accused of beig controlling. Her controlling behavior is associated with her being abused as a child which is the source of her behavior. It started way before I ever met her.<P>I still would marry her even knowing what I would go through. I know that she can't say the same because she is hedonistic.<P>Sorry for the rant. Got to thinking about the discussion I had with my pastor last night. He keeps vacillating on who he wants to believe. She trusts him and I know that God is on my side. The truth will be known.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

I have to go along with d&c's comments. And will add that there are often times when I have no idea what to tell someone! But if no one answers, may write a few lines of encouragement. We cannot relate to everyone's situations. I am not so sure it is a clique or inner circle, but I do think there are those here that relate better to a given situation. There are a few here that are sort of in the same recovery place as me, so naturally I id more with them. As I mentioned to Isaac, after awhile you will see some names that you know you will not read.<BR>Your points are well taken and we should all tyr ot reach out a bit more when time permits.

I think that possibly, from a psychological perspective.....<P>newbies to these boards, the betrayeds, like schizzo and myself, where the pain is fresh, are a little sensitive....<P>maybe we see the 'affairs' as a sort of rejection of ourselves by our spouses mixed in with everything else...self-doubt, battered self-esteem, etc..., and then come here to talk about it, and are, in our sub-conscious, terrified of even the slightest rejection here....seeing 45 posts to some, 5 to others, I think our mental processes are just a little too sensitive right now.......lol......who isn't, I know, I know.....<P>my 2 cents.<P>Dylan

In our case, my wife and I try to respond to those posts that parallel our situation. She doesn't post yet, but she reads all of mine. There is so much pain here and we all have felt it. All situations are different, but the pain is the same for everyone. It is difficult for me to reply to a post by someone who doesn't have love in their marriage. I know things change but if you have ever really loved the one you are with then how could you ever give up on trying to make it work. Love is a two way street. You have to give in order to receive. It hurts me to read posts where either party has given up because they now think they are not loved (because they were betrayed--NOT SO) or they now love someone else(they betrayed--NOT SO AGAIN). My infidelity was my way of getting back at my wife. I felt that she pushed me away by unflattering comments, etc.<BR>She had no clue at what I was doing. But, even so my non-communicative attitude toward her was what pushed her to her affair. Aren't we stupid. Thank God we have the wisdom and faith in Him to forgive and try to forget and try to make something wonderful from something that is so horrible. We love each other very much. We do not leave each other anymore without expressing our love for each other. That includes before we close our eyes to go to sleep at night. No matter how bad things may be during the day or if we disagree at night, we tell each other I LOVE YOU before we go to sleep. Life is no bed of roses for us (we both have setbacks) but, it smells like a bed of roses. All we can do is try with everything in our power to make it work. Thank God again we are both pulling in the same direction.

I do try to welcome new people, but sometimes I am torn because I want to ween myself away, rather than get more involved. We develop warm relationships here, and there is only so much any of us can take on.<P>On a personal note, it is much easier to respond to a person really looking for help and support rather than someone who is just wanting to vent or wallow in pain.<P>Also some problems are so "far out" in relationship to my cocooned little world, that I just shake my head. Some people need a lot more help than we can ever give them.<P>I have a hard time telling people things will be OK, if I am getting bad vibes about their situation. I tend to put more effort into those I see as hopeful, if that makes any sense.<P>Sometimes I think my own special talent is to define the root cause of the problems by asking questions and getting people to examine there situation and put it in perspective from more of an objective rather than subjective viewpoint. I'm not so good on solutions.<P>And I really can't relate to those in a long term abandonment situation or a ongoing affair at home. I haven't been there and I feel "funny" offering support.<P>What I am saying we all have different "gifts" and we are all at different points. If we each do what we do best, we should be OK.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I have to say I had no idea my thread would cause so much grief to so many. <P>If it's any consolation, of the 850+ posts I have made since coming to this board six months ago, I believe I have initiated about 15 to 20 threads. I spend most of my time giving. <P>I read many more posts than I respond to. I can't respond to everyone. There are so many. I tend to seek out men who have been betrayed because I have something in common with them. There also aren't very many men on this board to begin with. I also tend to pick the brains of female betrayers because that what my wife is and I need to know what she is going though. I hurt for betrayed women and understand their pain. I just don't have a lot of advice to offer them. <P>I was new also at one time. I thought there was this "inner circle" as was pointed out in another thread. What I found was that relationships are developed over time. You get to know people's stories and more importantly you get to know them individually, deep down. A lot of people here know me better than my wife does in many ways. I am grateful for the relationships that I have made.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...but we should keep in mind that the newer people here have the freshest pain.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Fresh pain and long term pain is still pain. We all hurt. I have been at this for a year now. The anguish that I have been through in trying to rebuild my marriage hurts as much now as it did at discovery. I know the intensity of it all. The feeling of when you get out of chair your surprised there isn't a pool blood on the floor - it hurts that much. <P>It takes time for people here to get to know you and your story. Get to know us, and I guarantee we will get to know you. We are all here to help one another. I'm here to help. I'm just going through a very difficult time right now. <P>SHA

Personal time is very important. I used to live on this board, many hours per day. I met some wonderful people that I e-mail. I have also picked-up a few "newbies" that I e-mail counsel, 3-4 times per day. I feel I can really help them in a very personal and intense manner. But I can only do a few.<P>So for me, I seldom post my own threads, but do comment and have particular interest in situations that are alot like mine. Once in a while, when I'm struggling with a problem, I put up a thread and get modest response. I think that's because my situation is advanced and few can really help me.<P>Overall, I think the board operates in a very fair manner. Those who give more, get more. Those who can really help and offer something new and different, do so. Sometimes some of us unintentionally upset someone and we try to fix it. A very few of us intentionally hurt someone, they're noticed and flamed. I don't see cliques forming, I see support groups of people in common situations with limited time available.

Hi, everyone. I'm jumping in because I remember when I felt the same way. I remember staying away for a week b/c I didn't think anyone "liked" me or wanted to talk to me!!!! In fact, if you'll go back through, there's more than one thread addressing this subject.<P>Everyone's covered all the reasons. I know a lot of the old-timers try to make sure that any thread w/ a 0 beside it gets a little attention, even if it's just to say it was read. <P>Like everyone else, I try to support or encourage as many as I can in the time I have online. Some days, I'm full of words. Others, I barely made it through the day and so I don't say a lot. <P>To all the newbies, just keep coming and talking. Timing is a lot too. I know that weekends are my WORST times emotionally and that's when I'm most likely to start a thread. But that's also the slowest time on the board. <P>Lori

It's funny, but I just came across this thread with my name in the title. Didn't realize I had started something and was away with my family when this ran.<P>I've actually thought since then that I was a bit oversensitive in asking if there was some kind of clique here. Sorry, guys, but I needed answers. My big question whether anyone had actually tried setting up their lives to travel with their h on his business trips was never answered. Maybe no one has tried. I've noticed even in the case of my h's coworkers who travel a lot and have no kids, their wives choose not to go. I want to go with him if he can't change careers right now. Just don't know how much would be too much for the kids.<P>Got off on what my original post was about. But I wanted to say, I've come to the same place in my responses. Mostly based on whether I think I have something to say. And I am spending too much time here. It's a beautiful day outside here in Florida, and I have a lot to do.