My wife is going through the withdrawal stage of her affair. We're communicating well and she has expressed that in addition to her guilt, she feels anger that I saw her inner most thoughts to the OM through my inadvertent discovery of her e-mail messages to him. Dr. Harley doesn't seem to address this particular in his books. I'd like to offer her some objective comments to help her deal with her anger. Please help !!!!<P><p>[This message has been edited by TomH (edited March 06, 2000).]

Just a question:<BR>Were you snooping or did you come across it. Did you continue to read it when you knew what it was or stopped reading. Did you throw it in her face or just tell her since you wanted to be open with what you had done?<P>Ask yourself these questions.<BR>If you were snooping, kept on reading after you knew what they were I think you were in the wrong.<P>Apologize for reading something that wasn't meant for you, and be sincere. You were wrong. Don't try and put yourself in the headseat here. <P>If she feels you are being sincere it should be alright in a bit. She's hurting at the moment and will latch on to some things to justify or not her situation. Be supportive and loving if she wants it, space if she needs it etc.<P>It will be ok. Just be there for her in what ever capacity she needs you. And forget you ever read the stuff... she is with you not the OM. (that counts for a lot)<P>J<BR>(my thoughts anyway)

Thanks very much for responding. Your comments were good.<P>We both new her AOL password; she never tried to hide it. I noticed her mail file started taking up so much space that I thought it best to review it before deleting old messages (she had stuff going back seven months she never deleted). My surprise to discover her affair (on October 31...trick or treat...guess which one!!!). <P>Yes, I read it all. Wrong to keep reading???Who wouldn't when they found their wife of 20 years was having an affair? You can't predict how you'll react upon discovery.<P>Some of her concern is guilt; how reading those letters hurt me. Actually, the content wasn't very graphic, which seemed to be some of her concern, and just as well (I don't need to reflect on any more images of W and OM). I really haven't dwelled on them at all.<P>Her bigger concern is my knowing her inner thoughts. Thoughts she had not intended to share. I was mostly interested in reading the messages describing her feelings; being taken for granted, ignored, not appreciated. It was certainly an eye opener and helped me focus on what I needed to do to improve our relationship. <P>I suppose I could apologize, but this soon in our recovery, I'm not sure how sincere I would sound either to my wife or myself. It is something to consider.

TomH,<BR>I found e-mail my H had mailed to OW as well. I told him I didn't mean to pull these things out (truth) and that I wasn't sorry I did so (truth) and I'm sorry if I hurt him by finding these (truth) and I was keeping a copy to protect myself in case of divorce (Have since had a wonderful burn party with these! )and that I couldn't find it within myself to stop after reading because I felt these told me things about OUR relationship that were vital to repairing anything we might have left.<BR>The key to this whole thing for me was to be as honest as possible and still not lovebust. There is such a fine line in this stuff. If she is sincere about repairing the marriage then her thoughts about the e-mails will change with time and counselling. I know my H's initial reaction to this was a little anger, not much anger but more guilt than anything. Maybe she's using her anger to cover up the guilt she's feeling. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Before I found out about my H's EA, I quite deliberately snooped on his computer. Later I told him of a poem I found that she'd sent him (altho I wasn't sure who it was from at the time). When I found out about her, I confessed to snooping, and asked him about the poem. We ended up talking about what the poem meant, why part of it expressed what he was feeling.<P>How about telling her that you are sorry for reading what was supposed to be private, but that what you read has helped you understand how she felt about your relationship? That you really feel badly that she felt so taken for granted, ignored, and unappreciated. That it is really important to you to know that, and that you want to talk more about how you can do better. <P>My 2 cents...<BR>Kathi

I agree with some of the other views expressed above too. <P>Best thing is to be open and honest. Tell her how sorry you are. If you were not before you probably are now. <P>What I would say is this: Honey I am sorry I read through the emails. It was originally unintentional and but I found myself reading since I was hoping it might help me to understand. I didn't think about how you might have felt at the time, now I have and I am sorry for the invasion.<P>What I should have done is came and got you and we maybe could have gone through them together.. maybe hoping to help both of us."<P>Be honest and think about what you should have done. But at least talk about it openly and not defensivly.<P>Hope this all helps<P>J

Thanks for all the excellent comments. I think apologizing for having read her mail and asking her if we can talk more about the what she was feeling is probably the best way to work through it.