I don't get it. How can a person that was once the light of your life, treat you so bad ? I am to a point now where I just don't care anymore. Either commit to the marriage or divorce. Make up your mind....<P>How is it possible that our spouses can be so cold hearted.... I continualy think that if the roles were reversed that I could never be like this toward my spouse... Any one else think like that ?? I just want to show my W the pain I'm in so she can see and have an idea of what she is putting me through. Should I ? or will that bring on her guilt more and push her further away.<P>On average, How long does the process take?? Either for beginning to rebuild or to decide to divorce. I'm not talking about when it's done I mean when you are just starting. It's been over a month now for us ( I know, a drop in the bucket compared to everyone else ) but we are still at ground zero.... No nothing from her.. It make me want to hate her. I'm getting angrier as time goes on. Even if she decides to come back, I may not want her because of how she is treating me right now.<P>I'm on the edge... Give up or be patient... I'm venting I know it but I'm just so tired of not having a direction to work towards. This limbo stuff sucks. Still can't sleep, Still losing weight, And still wanting to call her every minute of everyday.<P>Any ideas on how to get through this? How do you not call? How do you sleep through the night? How do you not think about every other minute all day everyday? <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Oh, Rutger......<P>I'm sorry you're feeling so bad and I also had the can't eat, sleep, etc's.<P>The way I got passed the worse of it was by realizing and truly separating my old H from the new "imposter" H. I really set it in my mind that this is just not my husband. PERIOD!!!! And that was long before I found MB and knew that there's somewhat of a pattern to all this!!<P>Another thing - and I know that you know it already - but you must really do it, is to focus on what you can change for yourself to bring you and the marriage to a happy fulfilling place to want to be. If you make yourself happier - your wife will notice and who knows what could follow .........<P>It's not easy and there's no specific steps to follow as a guideline for every relationship. Take this time of selfishness, confusion and chaos that she is experiencing and turn back and look at what the difference is now from the time when you two first began your marriage. What is different? Have you stayed true to being partners or a team? Or have you both sort of been at opposite ends on some things? <P>These are the only things you have some control over that you can get results on as far as moving forward. <P>Your wife just sees her need and is blurry when it comes to anything or anyone else right now. You, on the other hand, could succomb to just seeing your pain or you can keep your eyes clear and tackle your end of the root cause of the problem as you see it.<P>go ahead and feel the gutwrenching pain, the disbelief of how she could cause it, the loneliness, the uncertainty of the road you're on, the doubts of keeping your love intact, etc. Let them out!!!<BR>Vent away here. But not to her, she does not see, therefore she will get defensive and withdraw further. It will be used as fodder for justification for her actions in her mind.<P>When the time is right for some different approach - it will present itself. I know how hard it is - believe me I do!!!! But you'll get stronger and wiser, I promise!!! <P>Hugs and Strength,<P>Sheba<BR>

Golly I feel just like you! And it was my husband that cheated for 5 years..he doesn't waant a divorce.. and for me it just seems to move to fast and then nothing from him..My mind is moving and crazy. I realize htat he will never understand..so is this what I want to live with? Whaat are my choices? All are too painful right now. Just take care of you.. there will be good days and bad days..and yes I am so skinny!!!! The docs have me dead and buried! Glad to hear others get skinny too! I hate that Cancer word! Do we deserve this? Naw...so I guess we have to stop hurting ourselves for their crap. Someone said I was too nice and should be agressive but guess what I don't have the energy for that..why..he won't understand...so do i learn to live with it..find my needs..emotional in other arenas? I do't know...I diidn't think men felt the same way...mine woould love for me to have an affair...it would make him feel good and he would probably get off on it...go figure.

Hi Rutger,<P>I didn't believe it when I read your post, as I had logged on just to vent exactly the same thing! My H first decided about 5 months ago that he didn't know whether he wanted to be with me.(easier to read my profile and posts to see where I'm at than me repeating my story). Suffice to say, he has been in a "I'm leaving / staying cycle" ever since. This has been wiping me out emotionally, to the point where I feel exactly as you do - I'm beginning to question whether I even want him here if he decides to stay. My H says he loves me and wants to work things out, but won't do anything to help me believe this. In fact, he still tells me he doesn't really know whether he actually means the things he says, or if he just says what he thinks I want to hear!! I've almost had enough, I mean if there really were feelings there for me in his heart, surely a step towards trying (ie making some changes, sacrifices etc) might be taken. I feel like this could go on for years, and although I love him, for my own self worth and peace of mind, sometimes I feel like it would be better for him to leave, and deal with the pain that brings, rather than the yo-yo of feelings which comes with indecision. I mean, surely it does't take this long to work out where your feelings lie, and whether you really want to try. So Rutger, take heart that this is a normal feeling for us, what we should do about it is another thing!! I'll watch your posts for advice!! Cheers.

Rutger -- I would like to say a lot of things to be able to take away your pain and helplessness right, but unfortunately, I don't have any time right now. I will come back later though. Hang in there Rutger.<P>God Bless

Primal scream everyone. One, two, three...<P><BR>Okay, now that we're all hoarse, we can go back to typing and reading.<P>Forget Hamlet the spouse for a moment, what do YOU want to happen? Are you familiar with the Harley principles...the success stories...the stages of recovery? If not, read a few.<P>Now, if you believe them and you know what you want, show your partner. Your partner has little knowledge and even less belief in concepts like "withdrawal is temporary, Love Banks can be filled in time, etc." You believe in Harley, so you have to get a grip. How can your warped, confused, totally out of character spouse possibly make the long hard choices if you can't convey the serenity of a Harley believer in the long term answers? If you are knowledgable and faithful and can't be patient, how can you expect your wayward partner to make an even greater leap of faith? Tough talk, but it's time for you to lead, not wait around in angst for a confused person to make a decision.<BR>

yes it does suck, big time. i try to read the psalms, and pray, and then i just try to go about my business. sometimes i sleep alot. sometimes i find a really good book to escape into (like perettis new one "visitation"). i wish i could say something nice, but being in the same boat, i can't think of anything. try and think of something that will give you even a momentary smile and do that, like a funny movie or something. anything to pass the time....<P>------------------<BR>

hi Rutger,<BR> Ms. Depression herself here, this is a long hard road, but as someone wise once said a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. Rutger this is going to take way longer than a couple of months to get past, heck you are still reeling from discovery after a month. It is harder when they don't show remorse, or worse yet that they don't care about your pain. But somebody has to be the sane one, right now in my marriage it has to be Bozo, I just am not able to be that anymore, oh I'm going to cheat but I have withdrawn, and feel pretty down right now, and it has been 11 months for me this time, live your life as best as you can right now, don't do anything that will make her be able to say "see , see, you always do or say that , thats why....." just do the best you can. I'm not up for this yet, I need my coffee, I'll be back. <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Sheba,<BR>Your right.. I must focus on me right now, but as you know it's hard. We have not been partners for some time ( looking back on it ) I was pretty much in control for some time. I feel bad for that but now I know. And I will vent my anger... but only here. thank you<P>Love,<BR>No, we don't deserve this. Skinny is good but not to skinny. My W would feel better if I went out and had an affair also, It would lessen her guilt but at the same tim hurt her... for that reason I can't do it. She needs to deal with her guilt without my help. <P>Sosad,<BR>I think you said it... A yo-yo, It goes up and down more than a rollercoaster. I do know in time this will work out... good or bad. It's the waiting that I can't deal with, And the loneliness.<P>Empty Shell,<BR>I egerly await your respone. You are where I want to be, I envy your situation with you W. Any advise, big or small will hwlp....Thanks<P>Cuckold,<BR>Thank you for putting it out there... I am a believer in Harleys concepts but puuting them to use is the hard part. How do I show her all these concepts without pushing her away.. I gave her my copy of SAA. Even that was a battle, I'm controlling her by giving her a book to read? gimmie a break, I don't know if she even cracked it open or put it in the trash.<P>Neen,<BR>I am currently the movie expert on my block. My Blockbuster gold card is smoking from so much use. Thanks<P>Bozos Deb,<BR>I've been reading alot of your stuff and I know you have been down. Sorry, thank you for helping this make some sense. I am trying to be the sane one but doing that is driving me insane... I honestly think I've taken a few baby steps allready but I may have fallen back a few as well. I am trying. Enjoy your coffee.<P>Again I thank you all, You do lift my spirits when I read your responses. I'll keep plugging away, The sun is finally up indicating a new day. One more down and about a billion more to go.....