I checked my husband's work voice mail yesterday - guess who left him a message? He says he doesn't know where she got the number from. She said she hoped he had had a good golf game.....and then said she hoped our son's baseball tryout went well - how would she even know this if he wasn't the one to tell her? Well, I <B>exploded</B><BR>I also found a card in his car from her to his dad - hmmm, he says his sister gave it to him and that he never saw her. Plausible but not probable I would say.<P>It is the last straw - I know, again.....<BR>The strangest part is even though I know it is the end I still wonder if I really want to divorce him. No one really wants to get divorced (unless it's an abuse situation) do they? Part of me wants to get it over with, but my heart is still aching anyway. It's just so sad.<P>The worst part is that there was no way to keep it from the kids. My fault. I really blew it on that aspect. All I could do was apologize to them this morning. <P>I don't know what else to say

RCoaster,<BR>I too just found out that my h has been in contact with ow the entire time since discovery (8 mo). If I had not had everything covered, he would have continued to lie to me. He has said that the affair was dieing a natural death and his feelings for her are no long more than a friend. He was to the point where the conact was more stressful than rewarding. I truly think that when they are in this mess, they don't know what to do to get out. H even said it was like an addiction, which Harley says in his books. The pull is tremendous. Whatever you decide to do, take your time. Don't rush into anything. When I found out my h was still having contact, I didn't care if he did leave. That was the first time i had those feelings and it scared me. would not blame you for seeking a divorce, just don't do it in haste. Maybe try Plan B before you go directly to the divorce proceedings. Sound like you are not able to do an effective plan A anymore. Give yourself every opportunity to succeed. These men! It's just heartbreaking to have to go through all of this. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))

edited by claudia103<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Claudia103 (edited March 12, 2000).]

I don't know what happened to my story in my profile - it up and disappeared, then when I tried to go in to update it wouldn't post.<P>My kids are 13(he would say almost 14) and 11. My husband's affair began about 4 years ago. I had an affair after about a year. We have been the yo-yos and he has moved in and out about 4 times (I'm not really sure of the # anymore - it seems like more than that to me). I think I missed my opportunity to rebuild - I guess we both did. Neither one of us was ready at the same times - both had too much anger and hurt and whatnot stuffed in our ears and still can't hear what the other one is saying.<P>My H does not believe that he was addicted to OW. I know I felt like I was addicted in my affair though. Not to the person, but to the feelings. I was feeling again. Now, I'm numb again, not because of my H but because I'm afraid to feel. I don't want to hurt, but it happens anyway. My H also thinks this site is full of horse puckey, and that everyone here is just full of it.<P>And, now here he is to read over my shoulder.<p>[This message has been edited by RCoaster (edited March 06, 2000).]

Claire,<P>I know that I did not want to get divorced. Even with the abuse. It is the hardest decision to make. We don't go into marriage thinking that we're going to get a divorce, we think it will be forever. <P>Take your time and give your brain a chance to clear. Whatever you decide, I'll be here for you!<P>Prayers,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,<P>The decision has been made. I just said to my husband that I will never be able to trust in him again, and I won't be able to, as far as <B>our</B> relationship goes. I know that he will always support our kids - and that is a plus in this sad situation. And now, he's giving me hugs. Where were they before? I know he's sad about it too though. (I hope no one minds the blubbering)<P>Color me <p>[This message has been edited by RCoaster (edited March 06, 2000).]

Hi Honey,<P>Been there, living that... every single detail... almost, anyway... let's see... divorce, but not sure I want it, card in his car from OW, he keeps TELLING her to stay away, but SURPRISE, SURPRISE, she won't stay away!<P>I won't even delve into the messes in MY little life right now... it all just stinks -on ice, as Ed McMahon used to say... oh never mind... it just sucks! <P>~Sheryl

~Sheryl<P>Boy Howdy!!!<p>[This message has been edited by RCoaster (edited March 06, 2000).]

RC, <BR>I know how you are feeling...I have been there..but let me tell you one thing......IF you want your marriage....do all you can to save it....and, I know this will sound harsh and unfeeling, but you must try to forgive him, once again.....you must do Plan A as long as you can, then go to Plan B. If, after that, and the time frame for everyone is different....then you can leave the marriage (if that is what you want) with NO regrets. Had I not done this, I would always have wondered...............<P>------------------<BR>Susan

What now?<P>H just came downstairs and gave me a kiss!?!?!?!?!? Seems to think, now, that divorce isn't such a great idea after all. This is a turn around on both our parts in the last 8 hours. What's up? I know how hard it will be. Is it only that we've been together for so long that neither one of us will ever be able to let go? I don't know if I like this........<P>Am I happy? surprised? discombobulated? all of the above? <B>yes</B>

RCoaster,<P>I have to agree with Susan(Sue)...<BR>She went through tehe divorce...<BR>I am being pushed through one...<P>Try a Plan B...<BR>And if anything... a separation as opposed to a divorce.<P>Sue's pain through her divorce...<BR>Mypain through mine... is really more damaging than the affair itself!<P>Consider your options...<P>I'm praying for you. <P>Jim

I too vote for a separation as opposed to divorce first. I can relate to the Hug and kisses not coming until things are so bad your are ready to Divorce. I have talked to my H about the same thing.Why does this happen?<P>Sometimes I don't think that they will do any thing until they have to. If he does not want a divorce, then he must change and but at least he is trying by being more affectionate. However it is clear that you both need this to happen at times other than the end of your rope.<P>Only you know if you should proceed to Divorce and you certainly have a good reason to want one. If he really does not want a Divorce is he willing to move away from the OW? Can you move to another state?<P>Goood luck. I will be thinking of you.

RC,<P>No I don't really want a divorce either. Even now. I am going through a lot, granted, I make my own situation worse, by complicating things more, but, no I don't really want one either.<P>Part of me thinks, why can't H just come to his senses. But I don't think he will. SO with that in mind, I gave up. I still cry, I just don't feel so hopeless. I feel a little closure through it.<P>Be strong, and prayers are with you. Dana<BR>

RCoaster,<P>You really do live up to your name! Wow! I thank you for posting on my message last night, and yes our two situations do have so very much in common.<P>I do pray that God will work in you and your H's lives and continue to help you heal, and receive all the blessings that go with a spirit filled marriage.<P>Guard

I agree with other responses, first try separation or Plan B, before going into final solution. I know it is a rollecaster, but we all go through that. There is also one more option - an ultimatum.<P>(Real story) Friend of mine had an affair for about 4 years, his wife and him are separated for about two. She also had her affair after his, but both of their ouside marriage relations were going nowhere. Strangely enough, they did not divorced and been in touch through kids (2). About month ago my firend's W gave him an ultimatum. Etheir family or lover, and cut him from all the contacts with her and kids (extreme version of plan B). He wrote me few days ago that he also stopped all contacts with the OW. He wanted to have a clear mind before making a final decision. You know what, after few weeks of "zero contact" he could not stand missing kids and family. Recently, he gave up the OW and reconcile with his W. They have a lot of work to do, but it at least they are together.<P>Try plan B before you go to divorce. My prayers are with you, be strong. <BR>We shall overcome !!!!