I deleted my profile, because I was embarassed I guess.<P>Living with my BF for 6 years, I left him about 3 years ago, to much fighting and drinking.<P>He got a new GF, and I got interested again.<P>The last 2.5 years have been a hell of my own making. I moved back in almost 2 years ago, and he has never stopped seeing her.<P>He says she has a new BF, but he still has those late nights and mysterios phone calls. We can't talk about it, he accuses me of b****ing, all I want to do is have a talk.<P>Yesterday I found an empty wine bottle in an odd place. A receipt for some clothes that I didn't get. And I read his cell phone bill. Dozens and dozens of calls to a number, that I connected to her (dontcha love the web). One minute each, I concluded she has blocked our home number. He also he called an old GF in Aspen. It will never be me, he's talking about taking a train trip, I'll bet he wants to go to Aspen.<P>We aren't intimate (once in 6 months, intiated by me). We can't communicate. We aren't married. No kids. I'm afraid of his temper. He has been very depressed, talked about not living. Next day he is on cloud 9. The household revolves around his moods. I pay most of the bills. <P>Why am I "afraid" to leave him? I pay the rent, the insurance, the gas, buy the groceries, I'm afraid he will fall apart if I leave.<P>But aren't I entitled to some happiness?<P>I've planned-A him to death. Started Jan-99. It's pretty bad when friends call you to tell you where he REALLY was last week when he said he was with them.<P>He swore he hasn't seen her, no he admits there were a few "incidents".<P>The window of my car was smashed out the same week.<P>I just don't want to live this way anymore, he thinks everything is great. I cook (love to), do the laundry, shopping, everything is there but he doesn't/he isn't IN LOVE with me.<P>I'm his support system and that is what he loves.<P>He would leave in a minute if the opportunity arose.<P>He doesn't want to get married, all my friends and family dislike him. <P>I just feel very bad, I disagree with his politics, everything. He yells at the TV.<P>I just turned 40 and have too much gray hair and probably will never have babies.<P>I don't know what I'm writing all this for, maybe it's by farewell to MB, I faked it for so long that we were "just like" married and the principals would help.<P>I cannot trust him, he will never open up, and I am afraid of his temper.<P>There is really no reason to stay is there?<P>How can I be afraid of hurting someone like him?<P>Help.<P>

(((((((((((((((((((((JT))))))))))))))))))))))<P>You deserve and can get alot better. Get out while the getting is good. Was that to blunt! Just typed my first reaction. <BR> <BR>Fourty is not old. I started my life as a WOMAN at 40. (Not that i had a sex change operation or anything) Hear me roar! You don't need kids. Borrow someone elses occasionally. You certainly don't need a mooch who is using you and abusing you. <P>He is described in Pitman's book. He will never be what you want and need. Free yourself. <P>Good luck.<P>Beth<P>P.S I hope I am not being too harsh. Sometime I just blurt and this is one of those. If I think of something more helpful to say later I will comeback. You just deserve better.

jt,<BR> You probably would be in the same position whether you were married or not.Maybe it's better you didn't marry him.Why do you even want a relationship like this?It sounds like a dead relationship,with you giving him all the support.Don't worry about hurting him,he doesn't seem to have a problem hurting you.Get some self-respect and lose this bum.You can do better. --Murph

jt,<P>I was in basically the same boat as you. I was married to a very abusive man for 10 1/2 years and had 3 sons with him. He started having an affair in October 1999. I found out on December 23rd 1999 and he left the same night. I waited and tried to plan A for 2 months and then one day I woke up and wondered why I felt so good. It's called freedom and being worry free. <P>For 10 yrs, I loved him and did anything for him and it was never enough. I never wanted to divorce him. No matter what he did to me. I was afraid of being alone and of leaving him alone. He had never been on his own and neither had I. <P>I am seeing a lawyer tomorrow about divorce. I don't want to be in a destructive relationship anymore and I think they are the hardest ones to get out of. You are not too old to start a new life. And it would be so rewarding! I'm slowly finding that out. <P>Since you aren't married and have no children, it may be easier for you!<P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi