Arik called me this morning and was very upset. Chrissie sent him an email stating she had been asked to not talk on the phone to him anymore and just correspond through faxes and emails. He thought I had done this...I would NEVER make any decision for him and did not. After getting off the phone with me he tried unsuccessfully to get in touch with her but she didn't pick up the phone. He sent her an email and tried to call her one more time. She answered this time(not realizing it was him because she was on the other line). She told him she was writing a letter to me and forwarding his email. He called me back to tell me it was coming. When I got off the phone I went to check my emails. In his letter he basically said that everybody is getting what they wa=nt except for him. That losing this last little bit of her was not worth anything...his job, his family, his sanity. What does that say about me? He has NEVER in this whole mess of things been willing to do the most important thing in ending the affair and that is breaking contact. He admitted that to me this morning. I feel so lost right now...how can even one small piece of her (with absolutely no future in it) be more important to him than his family and marriage? I have to go now, got kids to get ready, the eldest has to go to school and I have to go to work. I will check up on things when I get home tonight.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P>

This really stinks. I'm not familiar with your story(I should have read is) but I am guessing that your h is right in the middle of withdrawal. When that happens, their brains really do not work. The emotional attachement is so difficult to break, but is absolutely necessary. Be as loving as possible and tell him without demanding that this contact really bothers you. I got the book "Surviving an Affair" by Harley and showed my h the part about absolutely no contact. That was much better than me nagging him. Withdrawal is going to be tough and it takes a long time if you h and ow were emotionally close. You can make it. I thing your h does want to work on this, it just may take him awhile to get to all of the points. Hang in there and don't LB.

I think Derby hit the nail on the head. Keep your chin up. You will make it through this.<P>------------------<BR>To thy own self be true.<BR>*Viki<P>

Nicole,<BR>Don't feel bad. It is part of that feeling stuff that we erroneously think is more important than doing what is right. Feelings are important because Godmade them. However, feelings are so much better when we do what God wants first. Then the feelings are significantly better.<P>Yes, it hurts immensely. I still am suffering but she is incapable of seeing the pain she is causing me. I guess the sinful flesh can't see the perspective of the spirit (which desires to do what the Holy Spirit directs.)<P>MONDO HUG!!! Pay hard and be loving. God will take care of the rest.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

OK...I think I am missing a few things here, but basically are you saying Arik has kept at least attempting personal contact up until now? You said something in another post that he said the affair lasted through 11/30, which sounds like he was trying to maintain personal contact since he left on his later trip. Right?<P>It is also unclear what OW (name not nec.) role is. Has she been waffling or has she been consistant with non work contact?<P>She sounds like she is getting fed up with your H, which of course is a good thing. Do you think she is?<P>Unclear about the letter, too. Was it from Arik to OW then forwarded it to you or was it directly from Arik to you? Is she writing a seperate letter to you? I'm so confused.<P>Your H seems to be in some kind of denial and is showing addictive behavior.<P>OW seems to be on your side now, is that true?<P>So who do you think asked her? Her H or could something be brewing at work and a supervisor is trying to contain the situation?<P>You show incredible restraint, Nicole. If OW is serious and is really shutting H out, I would expect Arik to really crash and burn, then slowly start to see the light. <P>Hopefully as time passes, he will look back at his own actions like it was another person in his body. That's how my H described it. Hold on, the worst may still yet to come, but it sounds as though as the affair is really ending.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

PL,<P>I'm sorry to hear that Arik is having such a rough time with his withdrawal...however I understand it completely. I also understand the limbo you must feel like you are in. It took 2.5 months for my H to decide to cut all contact...he waffled back and forth, telling me lies about it the whole time. <P>I goofed during that time....I think if I had plan A'd him then it would have been over a lot quicker but I did some LB'ing and every time I did he ran back to her. <P>It's not fair, it tears your heart out and makes you feel like you are going to lose your mind...however...plan A works...it takes time (which is very frustrating) but ya' gotta keep the long term goal in mind. <P>I really hope he wakes up soon to discover what he stands to lose. Take care of yourself right now...is there anybody who can babysit the kids while you have a bubble bath or something else that will relax you? This is a time when you need to comfort yourself. You are grieving for what is lost and that is normal. Give yourself permission to cry. It will get better...no matter what happens....you will go on and be happy again. <P>Take care of yourself....<P>Jodi

Nicole,<BR>This is interesting. If I understand you correctly, someone sent an email to Chrissie asking her not to speak by phone, only fax and email. Who would do this? And more interesting, why limit only phone calls? Something fishy there...<P>Arik assumes you sent it. Chrissie also thinks you sent it and is responding to PROVE that HE is pursuing HER. Whoever sent the original really opened a can of worms! Don't get caught in the "ugly"...ie. don't respond to her email.<P>But it seems that what bothers you most is his feelings about that last bit of her being more important. Sound like withdrawal to me also. He's in real deep. Can't add to what others have already suggested on dealing w/withdrawal. My prayers are with you.<P>God Bless,<P>Enlightened<P>PS. I thought more about this and the "only fax and email" just sounds fishy. Do you know who asked her not to talk on phone to him? OW's H seems like a good candidate. (We were posting @ the same time)<P>[This message has been edited by Enlightened (edited December 02, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Enlightened (edited December 02, 1999).]

PL - You're doing ok. Everybody's right. Sounds JUST like withdrawal. And like FHL says, it's gonna get worse! But.....that'll be the beginning of it really getting better.<P>Glad OW can take control of the situation even if Arik can't. Try to roll w/ whatever he says for a while. He will get past it.<P>You hang in there. The ride is gonna get tough, but you can do it!!<P>I'm pulling for you!!!<P>Lori

I'm home from work now and it's been a day. When I got there I was at such a high stress level that I called my doctor for an appointment, then went directly to my supervisor and told her that I was going to need some time off(stress leave). I just feel I can't cope with everything that is happening right now, plus take care of the kids, plus take care of the house, plus go to work and have to worry about babysitting as well. I really need a break. The doctor gave me a form and I am going on unemployment insurance fo a while. I think I need to take care of me a bit. <P>Now for some of your qustions.<BR>FHL: Yes Arik has been trying to maintain personal contact until she ended that this week. OW I think has been waffling somewhat until this week. I think she does want him to stop and is probably starting to get upset that he won't listen to her. Arik sent the letter to the OW and she forwarded it to me. She wrote me a letter as well explaining why she was forwarding his letter. I am not entirely sure if she is on "my side" but is really making an honest attempt at making her marriage work. I think it might have been her husband who asked her to end ALL conversations-they(Arik and OW) fell in love over the phone listening to each other's voices.<P>Thanks everyone else for your responses. I think FHL covered pretty much all the questions asked by everybody else.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited December 02, 1999).]

I hope the leave is everything you need. I only work part time, and it was a slow time, but it was sooo hard to talk and walk and act normal. I was always surprised each morning when a normal voice came out of my mouth. It hurt even to breath.<P>Nicole, the lying is the worst, at least it was for me. It sucks when your H is attracted to and has a relationship with another woman. But knowing your H can lie to you, deny, make promises and then lie again is what does the long term damage.<P>I mean once you get past the "threat" of the relationship and your H is remorseful, trust me, you will remember that he can lie.<P>My H said a gem. "I only lie about the affair"<P>That I think was the truth. I never caught him in a lie in 16 years, and I haven't caught him in a lie since this has really been over.<P>But for three months (one month affair, two months phone contact) he had lying down to an art form. That's my demon. That is what affects the present.<P>The affair is no longer a threat, but I still consider what he says instead of just believing it. <P>I'm sorry you have had to deal with his deception (most of us do, of course). <P>But it does get better...but you may have to go through the depths first. You can get support here and YOU WILL MAKE IT!!!!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13