I met with my H last night at Burger King (someplace neutral). He basically showed up with a list of demands:<P>I pay him $2500 for 1/2 the closing costs he put on his credit card last summer (can he do this?) Only half of them are on his card...the other half are on mine.<P>I pay him $1500 for 1/2 the appliances that half of are also on his credit card. Same as above, I have already paid for my half.<P>He has "conveniently" forgot about the $3500 I loaned him when he was still in college and hard up for money. I had a student loan that I just gave him plus I paid for his rent and deposited money in his account on numerous occasions when he bounced checks. He wants me to "prove it" now. <P>He even asked me to pay for 1/2 of the divorce now.<P>When I asked him to sign a statement releasing my retirement to my daughter he said "no way, that's a bargaining chip". <P>This change in attitude is so odd since we actually spent Saturday night together. There is not even an OW in the picture! I don't understand at all. He says he loves me, he says he is EXTREMELY attracted to me, but he's not sure he's in love with me. <P>Why do they do this? I was doing so well too! I think he just wants to mess with my head because he saw me out last Saturday and he thought I looked good because I have lost weight etc.<P>He has this weird idea that we would need to get remarried anyway, so we should just get a divorce. He even has it planned out that we would get remarried in Vegas. <P>He also has this wonderful idea that we could "meet up" on the weekends for intimate relations. <P>Is this guy for real?

I think his head has been invaded by aliens...

TB,<P>Talk to an attorney if you haven't already just to see what your options are and what your rights are!<P>Prayers,<BR>Mitzi

Your H is living a crazy fantasy world!<P>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<P>If you get a decent lawyer...<BR>...just for advice, initially...<BR>...you might increase your chance of him backing out of the divorce! (this is by no means a guarentee)<P>My prayers are with you! <P>Jim

Would there be a chance he could get me to reimburse him for closing costs? I just don't see how that would be rational? It's not like it is equity in the home or anything.

Teddy bear,<P>I'm so sorry to hear that last night didn't go well. I don't know the laws in your state, but it would probably be wise to find out where you stand. <P>It sounds like he is hoping you will just fork over the money. I wouldn't give him one penny unless you are ordered by the court to pay him something. Since you are still legally married I don't see how you are obligated to pay him anything. <P>Even after I filed for divorce, my H still had the right to come into our home anytime he pleased because we were still married. I had to get a restraining order to prevent him from coming in.<P>Also, you might want to check the internet for the laws in your state. It might give you some idea where you stand. Good Luck.

Well I did it and I take full credit. I stopped going to individual therapy at Thanksgiving 99 and things got better immediately. I read 3 Harley books that told me that my views and actions had some validity and legitimacy--I had been living an non-validated life in the marriage (for years) and more recently in couple and individual therapy for nearly a year. She is moving back in June when her school term (200 miles away) ends. This was very unexpected, since she had already made plans to continue her schooling at the far away site. But I have been a good little boy, just right out of His Needs Her Needs, and the angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments are JUST GONE. (I was confused for a very long time, as I never did hit her, nor did I scream, nor did I ever ridicule her. But she broke stuff, threw various things, and hit me occasionally.) I was never hurt physically, but the therapist HURT ME BADLY, when my concerns about this were given NO validity. I will forever be profoundly suspicious of any psychotherapist, unless I do a great deal of background checking. Their percentages tell the story on just how bankrupt most of them really are. I will recommend most strongly against seeing nearly anyone in the field. <P>For me, this is an answer to many prayers.<P>Rejoice in the possibility, even if you're at the painful place that I was until last Saturday!<P>Be strong against all evil, especially when that evil is a massively misguided psychotherapist.

Well, I'm off to counseling! It might be my last session if things don't change. <P>Pray for me please!

Prayers headed your way TB.<P>Have a good session. <P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

teddy bear,<P>My H was really nice to me before he blasted me with divorce papers. Maybe its a way they deal with guilt. Who knows. <P>From my trip to the lawyer, what he is saying is ridiculous. It comes down to this. You are both responsible for half the debt incurred during the marriage. whether its a sole or joint credit card. or debt, or asset. You also, shouldn't mention anything you really want (bargain chip) right now. Steer clear of him until you talk to a lawyer, get your OWN lawyer and give him NO MONEY towards one. Ask your lawyer to sue him for YOUR lawyer fees too. <P>It is entirely possible OW is still around, he could be masking it for upcoming divorce. Dont' know what laws are in your state, but possible he wants to keep it quiet? Just a thought.<P>Don't read too much into last saturday. It might have been a game to him. I know, me and H slept together once after he left. I took it the wrong way, he took it as closure. <P>SOme men just suck teddy bear. I hate to say it, I hate to be bitter, but where is this list of demands coming from anyway. He is up to something, so be careful.<P>Prayers are with you, Dana<BR>PS GO out next week and take a REAL night for you, NO H!!!<BR>

Well guys...here is an update.<P>Counseling went great! I have came to the conclusion that my H is either posessed or is an alien impostor! haha LOL<P>I looked through all my cancelled checks last night and found almost $5000 worth of cancelled checks that I either deposited into his account for him when he was low on funds or when he bounced checks. I also paid his rent for him etc. I gave him $3500 right before we got engaged with the understanding that he would pay my student loan off instead. I found that cancelled check too!<P>Anyway, he doesn't have a leg to stand on because he actually owes ME money. This all took place BEFORE the marriage and it can be proved. <P>I feel so much better. I wish I could be there when he gets copies of the cancelled checks in the mail. His memory is horrible. I feel so much better because he was making me think I was going CRAZY! He conveniently got amnesia about this situation.<P>Anyway, I agree with lonelymom...some men just suck! He is getting all of this "wonderful" advice from his parents. They are experts at it since they have each been divorced around 3 times. <P>He even wants half of the Y2K food we have in the basement! Unbelievable!<P>Anyway, he thinks he is being a great person by leaving me with the house. He house is only 8 months old and has NO EQUITY in it. <P>My pastor e-mailed me today and is going to try to get a hold of him to set up an appointment with him. I hope it helps...but I'm not going to hold my breath!<P>Thanks for all your advice guys! If you can think of anything else I should be doing, let me know!

Hang in there, I am reading the book that Cat recommended, it seems to be off to a great start. You might want to check it out. REbuilding when the relationship ends. I found that I am really quite farther along then I even anticipated. Email me if needed<BR>MrsDMBrown@mail.com

Hi Teddy Bear,<P>I agree that some men suck. <BR>I'm glad you found the proof you needed on the money matters. I have an idea about the Y2k food..... Have a "Y2K didn't happen, let's eat" party for some of (lots of) your friends! Eat it all up, and then send him the empty cans, boxes & bags... that can be his half!!! <P>My X tried to pull money garbage at one point just before we separated the last time... He had filed for bankruptcy a couple of years ago, and the only thing that saved us was that I didn't have to file (business related things). Well, all the credit, cell phones, etc were in My name, and he didn't hesitate to point that out. So, I got a lawyer to protect myself when I moved out.<P>I wish you all the best with this.<P>Thoughts & Prayers,<BR>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

Another update!<P>I found credit card statements that show he DIDN'T even pay for the closing costs! I paid for all of it!!!! He was NOT happy to hear that and I was MORE than happy to send him copies!!!<P> <P>Anyway, I'm feeling better and better every day. No contact again for 6 days! I haven't talked to him since I broke the "bad" news to him that if I were to be a B@*&^%, he would actually owe ME almost $3000. <P>Life is good sometimes! <P>The Rebuilding after the relationship ends book is GREAT you guys! I would REALLY recommend it!<P>Butterfly, thanks for the Y2K suggestion...I will remember that! I don't think he will be pushing this issue any more though! LOL<P>Anyway, I also found out that his mom and step-dad (they hate me because I am an educated, successful female) are advising him on all of these money matters. I knew somebody else had to be behind this because my H doesn't know much about these matters.<P>Every day gets easier I must say! Now, if I could just find a hot, handsome, rich man to show me a good time....life would be great! (haha) LOL

Good for you! Keep us updated.

Back to the top!!<P>Update...<P>Talked to H's step-mom and "real dad" last night (they actually love me) and my H is telling people I kicked him out. He is also saying he is the one who wants to work on the relationship and I won't. <P>Well... You all KNOW that I want to work on it and he refuses. <P>I also found out he will be filing soon. <P>Anyway, they are talking to him this weekend to see if they can talk some sense into him. <P>This feels like a soap opera sometimes!<P>1 week no contact!!! <P>I hope this 180 thing works.