Early Nov 99, Wife says after the holidays, eithier I'm moving out or she is. Reason is "emotionally drained" from my heavy drinking (progressively worse) over last 10 years of our marriage. She had confronted me about my drinking and said she was going to leave 3 years ago, but didn't. We have 2 boys age 6. A few days later I went to AA and quit drinking. A few days later wife says divorce is what she really wants and she plans to leave even if I quit drinking. Early Dec, I start to suspect affair. Mid-Dec, wife seems to try again a little. Nice holidays. New years eve catch wife sending e-card to OM. New Years morning wife says she is going to hang in there with me for awhile longer and explains that she has been flirting online w/OM, but nothing further. Early Jan 00, I discover that wife had met w/OP as far back as Aug 99 and it was both emotional and physical. I hint around that she is not telling me everything about OM. Secrecy and lies from wife. Also, wife finnally meets w/councellor. Early Feb, I convice wife I know more than she is telling me and ask that she stop talking with him and be honest with me about it. She says she is not seeing him anymore and shares with me that her new councellor (she had met with one last summer when I was drinking heavily) had agreed with last counsellor that marriage was over and she had to decide whether to leave me now or when boys are older. I am obviously disappointed. Next appointment counsellor has wife buy co-parenting book (guess we know her decision). A few weeks later, wife states, "she wants to do what we talked about in Nov, how do we do this". I lead discussion about divorce/seperation issues and we agree to a few things (joint physical custody, friendly divorce/seperation, etc). She also agrees to go to 1 marriage counsellor appt. Following week, we meet with SBT counsellor and she has to decide if she will continue. Next week, she decides to move forward with divorce. She is planning to move out begginning of May. We continue with making arrangements. I'm open to ideas. I am 4 months sober and working that recovery. Wife says I am not doing anything that drives her crazy. Home life is quiet and good. Wife and I sleep in the same bed, she puts up with a kiss and a hug a few times a day from me. I know she is still in continual contact (electronically) with OM, but it is just emotional. (I know him and I'm sure he will not leave his wife and 4 kids. I also believe wife ended physical portion and meeting with him, prob mid Dec.)<BR>Very wierd situation. We are both Conflict Avoiders. Wife is a perfect model of modern woman. She makes 50K a year and obvoiously does not need my 50K a year to live. She admits I'm a great father. Her love for me has just dried up. I realize she has had to put up with my functional alcholic behavior for last 10 years (I withdrew into myself when I drank and did not emotionally connect with her), but I really want to save this marriage for the sake of our boys. If not save it, at least give an attempt to save it. My wife doesn't want to work on it anymore. I'm open to any and all ideas.<BR>

C&T:<P>Your wife could make it easier on you, but your path is pretty clear.<P>1. Stay sober.<P>2. Remain in a "Plan A" effort---avoid lovebusters, meet the needs that she will allow you to meet, in the way that she'd like them met.<P>3. Continue with marriage counseling. Either with the SBT counselor, or with one of the Harley's here. You need to learn new behaviors to benefit your marriage.<P>4. Continue with being a great father.<P>While it would be great to have your wife going along with this---you've hurt her too much with your past behavior. It's up to you to show her a consistant track record of new behavior (including no drinking), and to demonstrate that you're willing to work on the marriage even if she's not.

C&T,<BR><BR>I agree with K's post entirely. I just want to stress the part about staying sober. My hunch is that the one thing that will destroy any hope of saving your marriage will be you starting to drink again. It sounds like your wife has given up, and I'm sorry to hear that. But staying sober with NO slip ups might, just might, convince her to stay after May. And that's when you can show her through actions, not words, that you want to heal the wound you inflicted.<BR><BR>Good luck,<BR><BR>Bystander