Hey Gang,<P>Just wondered how many of us are going to get our S a Christmas gift if we are separated? I still love her dearly, but, do not know how the present will be received. I don't want to send the wrong message. <P>Last year I gave her a diamond tennis bracelet and she said she couldn't accept it. If only I wasn't stuck on stupid, I could have probably figured out what was going on. Too late, too smart.<P>Is it right to send a card to the in laws or SIL when they know the situation? I was going to wait and see if they send one first. Man, holidays bite the big one!<P>I have accepted my situation and am moving forward. I only wish my beloved "Bunches" was here with me. <P>As my Father told me many times, WE WILL SURVIVE, COME HELL OR HIGH WATER!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P><BR>

can only relate how I feel about it by what happened last christmas. H was in affair last yr at this time. He was also gone for christmas. He returned shortly after with some very nice christmas gifts for me. In the past it was just a few small things, he feels christams is for kids. The gifts sent me into a total tizzy! What the heck was he doing? Buying jewels from asia, while he ws with her, and bringing them to me? Who were they really for? Was this to ease the guilt? Is he trying to buy my love? I was pissed purple to say the least. <BR>I vote for something small, simple and thoughtful. Maybe a beautiful vase filled with flowers? Perfume? Framed photo of ??<BR>I definitely do not suggest the tennis bracelet route.

Hi Cl,<P>She most recently , last 4 months or so, accepted the bracelet after I told her that it would only sit in the drawer because I bought it for her and her only. No one else was going to get it.<P>Val has been calling alot lately asking about my "friend". I do have feelings for Michele, but, I am still very much in love with my W. <P>Looks like we were both in the same situation last year. Just that I wasn't so bright! Can you say that I was "dumb as dirt"?<BR><P>------------------<BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P><BR>

I'm envisioning the bag of sand as we speak! <P>LOL, hehe, HaHa<P>Seriously though, I would see no problem with sending a gift or card. To me it just says you still care.

The answer to this is dependent on where you are in the process.<P>If you're in Plan A, you try to demonstrate your love without overdoing it, as you don't want to create guilt. So I think something modest and thoughtful is appropriate. Don't expect anything back, including appreciation or even acknowledgement of receipt, if the affair is still active. But you are building a track record of thoughtfulness and this is important.<P>In Plan B, I recommend the same approach.<P>For those few that have been doing this a very long time (a year or longer), are not seeing results, and are trying to detach and pullback somewhat, I recommend no present. I'll probably send a simple card that has no pressure and definitely doesn't get mushy. After a year or more of serious Plan A and Plan B, I think the job of restarting a relationship moves to the betrayer. At some point, there have to be some repercussions and responsibilities associated with failure to end an affair, but never any lovebusting. The ceasing of the apparently never-ending generosity of the betrayed is one of those repercussions. Just my opinion.

Not only do I have Christmas but his birthday is four days before Christmas. I just plan on sending a card both times. I don't think I will go the card to my H route though, but something nice. Hey Medic she is calling about your friend, a little jealousy, maybe??? This is definitely going to be a difficult Christmas!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

How funny I should stop by after awhile to find this thread just after having to explain this very thing to a coworker! I bought my stbx a Christmas gift - a computer game I think he'll like. Somehow I think it's important for him to have something from his kids (you know, mom always buys from the kids). I also gave him a birthday gift last week - nothing expensive. (I couldn't resist giving him the card I ran across: "It's your birthday. Let's see, in dog years you'd be... dead." He got a laugh out of it, too.) He gave me a birthday present, too(though a month late), and told me the other evening that he got me a "really cool" Christmas present. I was surprised - I honestly didn't expect anything.

I've been stewing over this for awhile. I've decided since we are divorced I'm just going to send a card with an updated picture of me and baby. Since I'm still in Limbo as to where I'm going to be living I don't expect anything from him.....however I was told by a reliable source that he is playing Santa at the kids christmas party. I'll be there with the baby I'm pretty nervous! If it goes well then I might buy him a gift send it from Santa! As far as advise for you I would keep it simple nothing too ritzy. I know maybe you can make her a headboard with lights and she will always think of you....just kidding! (I remember the one you just reassembled)

Does something ticking with TNT on it count ?<P>I'm am getting SIL her H and kids something since they invited us to stop at Xmas. My stbx said she had gotten them gift certificates, but apparently they are just from her. I also am going to get something for the MIL & FIL. I guess I'll give them my kids class pictures.<P>I guess I have to shop for my mother and sister and also for the kids from each other.<BR>My stbx alsways took care of all that shopping stuff. I don't know when I'll get time as the kids are always with me!

hi Medic,<P>I am getting H something he's always wanted - a station clock. I guess it will really be from the children, but I will put my name on the card also.<P>I did buy for the inlaws (outlaws), a subscription to National Geographic. That present will be from the children only, not me. I can;t stand FIL, and they have shown me no support at all. I didn;t expect them to take sides, but a call asking how I am would have been nice!! I'm also buying for BIL and wife, they have been very supportive of me and the situation. And I love them dearly anyway.<P>I wasn't going to buy for H, but when he visited at beginning of Nov. he mentioned that he had been thinking about what to get me for Christmas. I was stunned. I didn't expect anything - thought all his money would go on her - you know - first Christmas together etc etc. He'll be here with me and the girls tho.<BR>What does it all mean.<P>That's my input for Christmas gift buying.<P>It's good that your Valerie is asking questions about your friend isn't it??<BR>Hmmm.........<P>All the best to you, and take care of you<P>Jo

As a person who buys for about about 60-65 people (Beblieve it - it's true!!!), I buy gifts all year long for Christmas. <P>I already had gifts for my H and plan on giving to him anyway. Since I had almost all the shopping done anyway, we are giving "joint" gifts this year and that's it. H is getting:<P>1) diamond earring - lost the one he had on a motorcycle ride<BR>2) Signed, first edition book "A Soldier's Report" by General Westmoreland<BR>3) stainless coffee thermos mugs for the car<BR>4) a pewter alcohol flask with his motorcycle club insignia and road name ingraved on there. I had to have an artist do computer graphics work for the isignia for the store to put in the computer to be able to program the machine to do the graphics engraving. Cost me $50 extra bucks for that!<P>H is getting a good Christmas that he doesn't deserve, and I am NOT buying him a card.<P>Roll Me Away<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Medic238:<BR>My inlaws are all getting cards and small gifts. My H will get something small too, signed by my D and I. Nothing lavish, but something nice and that could only be used by him, not the OW. Hmmm....maybe undies or something for the car. <P>My H still hasn't commited to where he is spending xmas; with us, with her or with his folks, but either way, at least he won't be forgotten, and if it happens to be with the OW, then maybe our gift may cause a few problems to come between them. <P>Good to see Val is thinking outside the circle she lives in and is taking an interest in you....!<BR>

Hi Guys,<P>Well I just got back from Pizza Hut. Val called earlier today and wanted to chat. <P>We talked about the last 11 years, the good, the bad and the ugly. She asked a lot of questions about my friend. Tonight was the first time that she actually said to my face that she wanted a divorce.<P>Yikes, that one hurt. We both cried and hugged for the longest time. Parting words she said she still loves me and always will.<P>She's definately NOT getting a present now.<P>I have to see what tomorrow brings.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P><BR>

Medic,<P>Zinger...doesn't Val care that she's zapping you at holiday time??????? A dozen long-stemmed coal lumps for Val's stocking..... <P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hey RMA, <P>It was kinda like a kick in the ding-ding. We'll have to see what happens yet. The papers wouldn't be ready until mid January anyway. Alot can happen in that time.<P>She still cares, but, is having problems with resentment. I'll have to work on that. It's not over yet.<P><P>------------------<BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P><BR>

Oh, Medic - what a nasty thing to bring up during the holidays. Although, gotta admit, my H mentioned it again a couple of weeks ago too. But the week before he was talking about coming back. Waffle king.<P>Yup, gettin' him and present. And my wonderful in-laws. Actually making something for them.<P>Lori

Medic,<P>I am really thinking now about filing myself in January. I do feel so torn - one-third of me says this is the most disrespectful thing ever - H is gone and NO EFFORTS to get together - file for D; one third says I am an enabler and H will never come back or file for D as long as he can be married to me and sleep with her; and the other one third says - wait a little longer, girl. I feel conflicted. I want to be a good role-model for my kids, but heck, I don't even know what's the best way to end all this?? <P>I AM strong and I KNOW I will survive. I AM happy, too. Not all the way there, but I'm really geting back my normal exuberance and upbeat "sparkle". Just can't seem to find my way out of this resolution maze. Do you have a plan and a timeline - loose or firm for either? If Val was not asking for the D, would you have been the one to file??<P>Anyone who can share some insight, please feel free to join in....<P>Thanks, Medic!<P>Roll Me Away<P><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Hey RMA,<P>I filed because I thought it would shake her up and that she would see the light of day. That kinda backfired on me. She could never before say that she wanted a divorce. But tonight was the night.<P>She read SAA and said she got absolutely nothing out of it. Doesn't see how we would be able to get back together with all the resentment. Brian seems to be a major factor.<P><P>------------------<BR>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P><BR>

Medic,<P>I would never file in that spirit. I would file because I felt it was the way for me to go. I do not see my H coming around - he is spending more and more time in FL. Wouldn't be surprised if he just moves there or has her move here, eventually. <P>Only consolation for us on the long run is knowing that chances are pretty d@mn slim that they will make it with the OP they are currently with. <P>I would hate to see my H alone or in another failed relationship, but it WOULD give me some satisfaction for him and the OW to not make it! <P>Roll Me Away<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>