I think it can be really helpful for all of us here to have a good understanding of the types of EXTREMELY HURTFUL things our wayward spouses say during their affairs, but later admit they really didn't mean.<BR>Just maybe this will help some of us not over-react, which is very easy to do.<P>I'll start with just one, please add to the list:<P>1) "I love you, but I'm not IN Love with you anymore".

I know a good one:<P>I've wanted to leave for 2 years!<P>So far he hasn't admitted he was wrong but I know how good things were most of those 2 years!!!

We are working on our marriage, but H is in withdrawal. About two weeks ago, when he wasn't sure he could stand this he told me:<P>I think I've learned a lot over the last few months...I think I can make somebody a better husband next time.

I don't know who I am anymore. I have no control over my life. <P>H said this the day he left, on xmas no less. At that time, he was an adulterer and had the control to save his marriage, he just was too selfish to think of anyone but himself. Guess what, 2 months later, he still doesn't know who he is, no he doesn't know me either.<BR>

I did it because I wasn't happy. (Totally implying it was MY fault he did it.) <P>Too bad he forgot to TELL me he wasn't happy and acted like the opposite!<P>The "in love" one is a classic though. I have heard that SO many times lately. "I love you, I am EXTREMELY attracted to you, but I don't think I am IN LOVE with you."<P>Does anyone have a definition for "in love"?

I thought of a really good one:<P>Me leaving had nothing to do with the OP<P>Then why did he move in with her????<P>The nerve!!!!

How about these:<P>I'm not sure we should have gotten married...(after 15+ years of marriage and two kids)<P>I love you but I'm not "in love" with you...(typical response)<P>I just want to be happy...(gee, what were we before all this started?)<P>If not for the kids we'd be divorced or at least separated by now...(gee, lets just forget everything else we've done and shared as well, I'm sure that would make you happy!)<P>I was just content with my life, I want to be happy. <P>I don't see myself being away from here (home), but I have feelings for OM.<P><BR>As you can tell I'm getting tired of all this and my patience is wearing thin. After all I've know for nearly 9 months and my wife is still undecided. I really believe that she will never tear apart our family and that is why I continue to try to make things as good as possible. It is just so much BS and they don't have a clue as to what they are doing. It really amazes me as to how much alike all of these things are and they way the involved are blinded. <P>Believe me, they all say the same stupid things. Hopefully the fog eventually clears.

My H told his mother this about me, "I love her, but I'm not in love with her." Her reaction was, "HUH??"<P>Here's another one:<P>"I don't think I was meant to be married" (this is after 6 years of marriage and 2 kids later)<P>

<BR>David Schnarch talks about that zinger, "I love you but I'm not 'in-love' with you" in his book _Passionate Marriage_. He argues that the in-love feelings reflect desire to be with the person (including sexual desire), desire *for* the person, and so on. In any event, that phrase usually means that a relationship is in a lot of trouble, and I personally regard it as a red flag for an affair.<P>Bystander

<BR> Great thread!! How about this one- "I care about you , the OW and I will even babysit for you so you can date"......gee, what a terrific guy.<P> I also heard "I've been unhappy for 5years." Then as things got worse it was 10 years, then 15 then the entire 21yrs. of marriage...... Lu

I forgot the BEST one!<P>"I'm doing this because it is best for ALL of us"<P>Yeah! My 6 year old is definitely in agreement! (haha LOL)

Hi Bystander,<P> What's your story? Unfortunately <BR>"I'm not in- love with you" can be a "red flag" for the relationship but most of us don't hear this until an affair is in full swing.....(it can be debated which came first, the affair or the "out of love" realization)......LU

<BR>Lu,<P>If you're interested in my story, email me at dis_interested@hotmail.com<P>Bystander

Nevermind Bad Sparkydog.<P><BR>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by Sparkydog (edited March 14, 2000).]

I got another one!<P>"the kids will get over it and see it was the right thing to do!"<P>How does he know the kids will get over it? And how can it be right for their family to be torn apart?

Anyone out there actually had their spouses say they didn't mean these things, after deciding to work on the marriage?

Here are a few I've heard. And, FYI, I know with 100% certainty that my wife loves me dearly (and that's not denial). She, like so many others, has just forgotten it for the moment.<P>She's said the following after the EA started: <P>1) I don't think I've ever loved you, it was all just the chase that excited me.<P>2) I made a big mistake from the beginning<P>3) I wanted to leave you in the first week of our marriage.<P>4) I was going to leave you anyway, several times before.<P>5) I'm only here for the kids.<P>6) No more sex, but kissing and hugging are ok (there was lots of sex later).<P>7) (second time) No more sex ever (again, there's been lots of sex since).<P>8) I do love you, and never want to be apart from you - I'm just afraid I might act on my feeling for sex with OM.<P>9) I don't love you, and I have to get drunk just to stand touching you (she then has sex that night without any drinking).<P>10) It's not you, I'm digging the hole in my heart against you myself (how very true).<P>11) I'm going to leave you no matter what (then she talks about our future for the following week - a wild ride).<P>I love my wife dearly, and it hurts to see her so up and down like this.<P>SamH

My Xh told me he *knew* I was having an affair when I had a miscarriage (I was NOT), he said he he *knew* this because he *knew* he couldn't have kids..... then why did he even bring up wanting a family?????<P>Anyway, he later said he told me that only to hurt me (he was aware how devistated I was/am about the miscarriages) and he also knew it would devistate me even further.<P>Now he is again saying I must have been involved with someone else. I have some comments for him about his defective sperm, and NEVER going for fertility testing!<P>Sorry, I'm still trying to deal with this and let go of the last of my anger. I feel he used this as "justification" for what he did to us.<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

hmmm.<P>"I'm physically repulsed by you. I think of you as a sister and not a wife. Your touch makes me physically ill. I care for you, and didn't mean to hurt you, but caring is not enough. I haven't been happy for a very long time. I realize I've lived my life for other people, and now it's time to live it for myself."<P>Sound Familiar?

Oh one more....<P>The killer....<P>I'd really like it for us to be friends.