To what extent will they really go. Are they capable of watching their spouse go through tormenting pain just to keep their fantacy world alive? My W tormented me for 6 months having an affair with my boss. Every single day I begged her to just be honest with me but she claimed complete innocence the whole time. She watched me shake and cry and tremble and take nerve pills and struggle at work simply to protect him. She slept with him one time but the rest of the time was trying to get him back to bed. Said she just wanted him to talk to her and she was prepared to use the sex to get the conversation. Says she was in love and could not leave him alone. He kept telling her that they had a future even though he would not see her again because of my suspicions. My suspicions came true with a phone recording. He apologized to me, said nothing to her, and left--quit his job too. When I asked her if she loved him, she replied yes, plus she replied no to loving me. Now that he is gone and dumped her, she wants to reconcile and claims she does love me but it needs to be stronger. Is this normal behavior, did she just wake up, or am I being used a safety net cause he's gone. I want to reconcile but just dont know now what she is capable of. Can conversation needs really lead to an affair with sex, lies, and everything in-between? Should I even consider this marriage, could she really be for real wanting to fix things, or maybe she is just waiting for another time? Says she would leave me now if she did not want to try. Could she have been able to hurt me that bad, yet love me now? Are some affairs somewhat trance-like?<BR>One last thing--we have agreed to be totally honest with each other--so honest that I confessed to an affair 9 months ago that she had no idea about. She listened, she cried, but she stayed with me. Could this mean she does love me and is sincere about starting over, or that she really just does not give a damn anyway? I will try to reconcile in a heartbeat but how can I know she is not lying now to protect her net?<BR>LHC

Welcome <B>LHC</B>...<P>The answer to <B>everyone</B> of your questions is... <B>YES</B>!<P>"Are they capable of watching their spouse go through tormenting pain just to keep their fantacy world alive?...YES<BR>"Can conversation needs really lead to an affair with sex, lies, and everything in-between?"... Yes<P>"Should I even consider this marriage, could she really be for real wanting to fix things,...?"... Yes<P>"Could she have been able to hurt me that bad, yet love me now?... Yes<P>"Are some affairs somewhat trance-like?"... Yes... most are<P>"Could this mean she does love me and is sincere about starting over"... Yes<P>"...how can I know she is not lying now to protect her net?..." <B>This is an unknown!</B><P>This is were you need to evaluate yourself..and her herself...<P>Read up on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... as much as you can...<P>...and consider getting into some counseling...preferrably along the MB lines...practical marriage skill development is what <B>both</B> of you will need.<P>Now... I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>Don't give up the ship yet...<BR>We're here to support you!<P>Jim

LHC,<BR> When my H was denying that he had cheated (despite the fact that he brought home an STD--thankfully, it was curable!), he would accuse me of being the one cheating and getting the STD from a "boyfriend". That really hurt, since my H is the only man that I've ever been with.

"To what extent will they really go."<P>Apparently "they" will have an affair 9 months ago, lie about it to his wife, then call HER the betrayer and ask why SHE lies.<P>No offense, but who is calling who a betrayer? You kinda snuck in your affair there at the end, ya know. Tell me, how come your lies are justified and hers are not? Search your own soul, look in the mirror, and you'll find the answers you are looking for.