Well, the time is drawing near for me to tell my husband about my affair. I really am scared. I'm so scared that this will be the end of life as I know it and life as my husband knows it. I keep thinking that he will want to end our marriage immediately. Because of one stupid choice (actually, a series of stupid choices) on my part, our lives will never be the same. <P>Last year, when I came home from having my weekend physical affair, my husband held me tight and asked, "Are you still mine?" I never answered. I think that in his heart, he knew that I hadn't been his for a very long time. I wish that I would have answered NO to his question on that night. Then, we would have already worked-out this whole mess (for better or for worse).<P>I realize that I've had a year of agony to sort through everything. I realize that my husband will need more than a year, if not the rest of his life to learn to handle what I've done to him. If he stays with me through THIS, I will be completely amazed and surprised and GRATEFUL. If he stays with me, it will be for ME...we don't have children (I've always heard of people saying that they stay in bad marriages for the sake of the children). I also feel like the fact that we are childless will make it easier for him to leave or to ask me to leave.<P>I can only hope that my husband can remember why he married me in the first place. I can only hope that he can remember SOMETHING good about me. I can only hope that he will remember that he used to think that I was beautiful and sexy. I can only hope that my revealing the affair to him will make him mad enough to stand up and fight for our marriage. I can only hope that when I reveal the affair that he won't flip out and leave me or cheat on me...I'm hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.<P>I'm really, really scared, but I'm not changing my mind about my decision to tell. I'm ready. My heart is prepared. I think that my husband's heart is being prepared. It will be okay.<P>I don't have any place to go or anyone to turn to. It looks like it's just me and my husband on this one. I am pretty sure that he won't throw me out of the house. The main reason for that being that he won't want to fork over the money for a hotel stay. Nothing like a little humor in a tense situation...heh heh <P>Anyone have an extra room for rent? That's NOT funny... <P>I've rambled. There was really no point to this post aside from sorting my thoughts. <P>Thanks for allowing me the space to ramble.<P>You all will be sick of seeing my name before this whole thing is over with! LOL <P>Jill

Jill,<P>I have a 1200 sq ft basement..its a little damp..lol<P>Your fear is natural. Try not to let it eat yuou up...<P>You a counceling with Steve H right?<BR>Did he have suggestions on how to approach this?<P>I have to get some sleep. I have some ideas for you. I'll post them in the am.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Hi Jill,<P>I have a room for rent! I want to keep my house and I need help with the house payment! LOL! Seriously though, I hope it all goes well for you when you tell your husband! I realize that this must take an incredible amount of courage on your part! I will be thinking of you!!! Prayers to you also!<P>~Woozy

Yes, I am in counseling with Steve Harley, but the last time I spoke with him, he was still under the impression that I was NOT going to ever reveal the affair to my husband. Boy, things sure to change quickly around here! So, no, I haven't spoken to him about how to handle all of this stuff.<P>Jill

Hey Jill, <P>Phoenix is lovely this time of year. You are welcome to stay here! <P>I hope and pray things work out for you and your husband. You seem like such a WONDERFUL person, perhaps he knows he'd be crazy to lose you despite the mistake you made. <P>Prayers to you tonight and each day until then. <P>Judy

Jill,<BR>The only advice I have is this:<BR>If you can, consult with Steve before you tell your H. And, when you tell your H, make sure you tell him you realize your mistake, that you love him and want to work on the marrige, and how truly sorry you are. <P>I just lit my candles, and an extra one for you.<P>My thoughts & prayers are with you. We are here for you.<P>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

Jill,<P>You will do fine Jill! I mean that in every sense. I suspect that your H has an idea about the affair, but was afraid to confront you. He did not want to lose you Jill.<P>I believe that he will not want to lose you now. I know of more than a few people on this board who have confessed an affair and then were amazed when their spouse stood by them.<P>It will be rough for you to face him, but Jill, the very fact that you did will tell him so much about you. You could have packed a bag and left. You could have continued the affair. Many things you could of done, but you chose the right thing to do and it is because you love your H and because you have self-respect. Please don't forget that you have much in you to respect.<P>Talk with Steve Harley if you can. I am sure he has some advice for you. But Jill know this, if you H didn't love you he would already be gone. He will be hurt, but he will survive and so I expect will your marriage. People are stronger than you think. You are and so is your H.<P>Jill, when you do tell him, do it with pride. Don't be crumpled up and meek. Be humble, be sorry, but be proud that you are strong enough to do this OK? I suspect that he will react to this favorably. Why, because you are telling by your body language that you want to make this marriage work but you don't have to make it work. <P>Does this make sense? You are a capable young lady and you can make it on your own, however your choice is to remain married to him because you love him. That is a powerful message Jill.<P>Take care of yourself. I am sure the waiting and anticipation is killing you, but hang in.<P>You have a lot of people rooting for you here.<P>God Bless You,<P>JL

Jill,<BR> Plenty of room in my big house with the W gone!You had one weekend with the OM,and when you came home your H asked if you were still his?My guess is he already knew.Why else would he say such a thing?Even if he only suspected,he still stayed with you.He obviously loves you.If he has half a brain,he should realize that this has been eating you up inside all this time.You are trying to be honest,and want to come clean about a terrible mistake you made.When you tell him,you should expect him to be very angry,or scream,cry,throw things,take it out on you(hopefully not physically).He will need to go through this.You need to stay there to comfort him,and tell him you want your marriage.I really hope things work out for you.Take care. --Murph

Good advice given above, talk to Steve first, and I too think that you husband must have suspected something. <P> We're having a heat wave in Toronto and have a big house, you can help me paint!<BR>Seriously you are going to be fine, there is a good probablity that your husband will be relieved as much as anything, at last he will know what the problem has been.<P>Best wishes to you.

Jill,<P>As the moment approaches you are giving in to your nerves. Relax. Remember you have given this a LOT of thought under better conditions (less stress) than now. Trust your decisions and conclusions you made before the fear arose.<P>You did a bad thing before, but you are doing the right things now. You have so much in your favor- just hang in there.<P>I see NSR has already put out the welcome mat for your husband. We're all here to support you both. Trust God to pull you through.<BR>

Jill - <P>We have never met (through the forum that is) since I haven't posted for so very long. Many of the old(er) timers may remember me...I started posting last summer after my wife left me for another man. I stopped posting in December or so since my marriage stands NO chance of reconciliation (despite my efforts and willingness).<P>I was compelled to reply to your post because I sense true remorse and deep regret over what you have done. I have joined the legions rooting for you behind the scenes! Nobody in their right mind would ever want to be informed that their beloved spouse had betrayed them. You don't need to hear it from me just how devastating that news is to receive. You are a very brave person who is willing to own up to mistakes made and deal with the consequences. I really respect that.<P>I would give anything for my soon to be ex-wife to exhibit even 1% of the remorse, love and character that are so clearly demonstrated in your posts. You see, my wife prefers to be cruel, vindictive and spiteful, despite my kindness, understanding and love for her.<P>I'm not sure if my profile is still listed under the sunglasses (I haven't updated it in 6 months) but if it is, you can read just how I came to discover my wife's infidelity. Don't follow my wife's lead! Trust me when I tell you Jill that your confession will be absolutely devastating to your H...but your willingness to recommit will mean EVERYTHING to him. I never had that chance...my W figurtively gave me the finger when she told me (told me in a cold voice to get over it) and then proceeded to move in with MARRIED Mr. Wonderful THAT NIGHT. (I'm trying NOT to be bitter.)<P>As silly as it sounds, I'm very envious of your position. You made a serious mistake, but are clearly repentant. You understand just what your affair did to your husband and you and are willing to do what it takes to recommit to your marriage. God bless you Jill...I wish my wife was ANYTHING like you.<P>I'll be watching and praying for you. Best of luck.

I'm confused. If the affair is over, long over, and it meant nothing to you, and you aren't in love with him, why tell your husband?<P>While you purge yourself of the guilt, you hurt him. Why do you need to do that? Isn't there any way to just put this episode of your life away and move forward knowing what you know?<P>Not everything has to be shared, the pain that this will cause, it's almost impossible to recover the trust. <P>Is it possible for you to realize what you have right there in front of you, feel the love you felt the very first time his smile warmed your heart, and go forward putting paid to this chapter in your past?

SpandauBallet,<P>FYI: This has already been hashed out in a previous thread. It was a lively debate with your point of view well represented. You may want to do a search on Jill's name and peruse that thread. <P>This thread is one which follows her carefully considered decision to tell her husband in the hope of eliminating the poison of deception from their relationship.<BR>