My W and I are now 3 weeks post-discovery. Still nothing from her on where she stands right now.<BR>She told me (after I asked) that she talked to the OM last Wednesday. She said she told him that I now knew about what was going on. He told her that it was her choice whether or not she wanted to continue talking to him. He said he would respect her decision...either way. She told me that she didn't know what she wanted to do. She said it made her feel good when she talks to him and that she didn't know if she could give that up. She still does not consider this an "affair." She said that since she didn't sleep with OM that it was not an affair. Mind you that she had been sneaking around my back to call this guy (over $1500 in phone bills and phone cards) and taking 1/2 days of vacation from work to go see him. When I use the word "affair" she gets very defensive.<P>Things do "seem" to be getting a little better. However, I am having a REALLY hard time believing that this is sincere! I guess it's my walls of protection going up. I don't want to get my hopes up and then get shot down again. I feel like sometimes she is making things "seem" better to throw me off. I'll admit, lately I have not been checking phone records and others things I did to discover the EA. I am trying very hard to trust her....but it is eating me up inside because she is still not opening up about where things are at. I don't expect her completely sort out her emotions over night, but I would like to know what the deal with the OM is.<P>She is the ultimate conflict avoider. To this day she has not volunteered one piece of information about anything. She says that she does not mind when I ask questions, but then she gets very defensive about everything I ask her.<P>The topper was tonight when she got home. The phone bill had come today and I opened it, which upsets her because she thinks I am checking up on her (which I am). There were two times that I used *69 to see where her calls came from. She says "do you realize that that costs us $.75 every time you use that!" This coming from someone who racked up over $600 in phone bills in the month of November.<P>Am I being too paranoid when things "seem" to be getting better???? Has anyone else had these feelings? How do I trust her when she will not open up to me???<P>Any advice or suggestions would help.<P>Doug<BR><P>------------------<BR>Don't give up...don't ever give up!" --Jimmy Valvano

Doug,<P>this is a hard one for me to answer. the knowledge is buried deep within me ... but for some reason I can't put together the words to say what I'm thinking.<P>I'll try again later, right now I just wanted to let you know that I'm trying to wake up my brain and get the words to come out.<P>dang, I hate when I go brain-dead like this <P>Keo

My H got very defensive when the counselour used the word affair to describe his emotional attachment to a co-worker. At the time, he was missing her so badly he cried in my arms about it, he would admit that maybe "emotional affair" was accruate...but he hated to hear that word. I think because he could've progressed to a PA and didn't, felt like he wasn't getting credit for that.<BR>It made me realize that part of the pain of all this for him may be having to face up to his weaknesses.<BR>It's been 2 months since I found out about his EA... He has never defended it as just a friendship, although, of course, it started that way. Even with him admitting he knew it was wrong and that he wanted to work on our marriage, it has been a really tough couple of months. At first, every time things seemed better, I got excited. Then, when they'd get worse again (with him withdrawn, pining away), I'd be very upset. Now, I guess I enjoy the better days, but expect that they will be worse ones. I try to look not at how things were a day or to ago, but back at the beginning. Over weeks, I CAN see improvement. If I just look at day-to-day changes, it just makes me dizzy...<BR>Hang in there--<BR>Kathi