My d came into the room and read the poem posted earlier. She has been trying to find a forum to express her feelings and felt that this post was a place. Hope you do not take offence here. It is the genuine feelings after over a year living with this mess. <P>I am a girl of 13 whose parents are going through a divorce and the OW was my dad's sectretary. I was good friends with her as she was always kind to me and i was friendly with her daughter whom she had at 16. She is 29 now and her life is still off tracks. Never can say no to a guy. Not only did my parent's marriage fall apart but I lost a good friend, her daughter.I battled through things like all children do and then my father told me they never broke it off. Over time I became used to the fact that he was with her and decided to see her. Things were fine on the saturday but on the sunday of my dad's weekend I blew up. I told her how I <BR>hated her and how I hated what she did to us. I tried talking to my dad and she was like holding him back. Then she sat there and told me how she lost a job and some friends. Paleeze, nice try I told hher I lost a lot more but like she cared. I was thinking later on in my head she did this to herself and she also did it to me but does she suffer in the end? no. she can't even have custody of her child cause she's so screwed up and i can see that this woman is going nowhere.i told them both to f*** off when i got out of the car and she held him back. My dad was angry at me for the disrespect but like...... I never should've said that but she has no right to come between moi and my pa.<P>here is a leter i wrote to her at the begining of my catastrophe on my own with my own feelings but was advised my mother and my therapist not to lower my self to her level by sending it<BR>not changed at all names included<BR>lindsay=daughter<BR>laurie=*****<P>I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M WASTING MY TIME WRITING THIS TO A B@TCH LIKE YOU.YOU ALWAYS SAY HOW I SHOULD NOT LIE, BUT YOU JUST KEPT LYING TO MY FACE.WHEN LINDSEY AND I WOULD ASK YOU WHO YOU WERE WITH YOU WOULD SAY "NOBODY" WHEN YOU KNEW YOU WERE DESTROYING MY FAMILY.YOU LED MY FATHER ON, KNOWING THAT HE WAS MARRIED TO A GREAT WIFE AND MOTHER AND HAD 4 GREAT KIDS WHOSE LIVES WERE FOREVER CHANGED DUE TO YOUR ACTIONS.IF THERE WAS ONE THING I WANTED IN LIFE IT WAS TO CONTINUE TO HAVE A HAPPY FAMILY UNIT WITH 2 PARENTS LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE, BUT ALL THAT WAS ON YOUR MIND WAS YOURSELF.NEVER THOUGHT TO THINK OF LINDSAY OR MY MOTHER.THEN AFTER YOUR FIRST MISTAKE OF BEING WITH MY DAD IN SECRET, YOU JUST COULDN’T HAVE HURT ME ENOUGH SO YOU STILL HOOKED UP WITH MY DAD AFTER MY MOM FOUND OUT WHEN YOU KNEW THAT THAT WAS THE LAST THING I WANTED IN THE WORLD.IF YOU WANT MONEY THINK AGAIN YOU’LL DO BETTER STANDING ON A STREET CORNER WHERE BIMBOS LIKE YOU BELONG.YOU ARE A SELFISH B*TCH AND CAN ONLY THINK ABOUT YOURSELF.I DID NOTHING YET I’M THE ONE THAT’S HURTING THE MOST BECAUSE OF YOU.YOU F***ED UP WITH YOUR DAUGHTER AND KYLE(LINDSEY'S FATHER) AND DESTROYED MY LIFE FOREVER.YOU NEVER THINK OF OTHERS AND YOU F*** UP WHATEVER YOU DO.I FEEL VERY SORRY FOR ALL THOSE THAT ARE IN CONTACT WITH YOU.AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, A GIRL LIKE YOU SHOULD GROW UP AND LIKE THEY ALWAYS SAY “STICK WITH PEOPLE YOUR OWN AGE”. NOT OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR DAD. <P>p.s. this is my mom's account and now I am friendly with this b*tch because my dad said if I want to see him it's a package deal<P><BR>

There is a book called "Second Chances" that follows children of divorce for 10 yrs after and the resultant problems they encounter.<P>I never finished the book because I had trouble reading the word stepfather.

RWD, I know what you must mean, my daughters would have a wicked stepmother if this ow continues her selfish quest.<P>Thanks Sam for the book recommendation.<P>I sure hope all of our sons and daughters can pull through this in one piece.<P>I will remember all in my prayers. I am not very religious as far as going to church but I still talk to him.<P>

Wow, there have been some real insightful, and some real sad posts here.<P>I'm at the point where I have to decide what I want to do: stay married or separate/divorce. One of the main things that has weighed heaviest is what this will do to my kids (12, 10). I don't want to hurt them, yet I see that they have already changed due to the tension between my W and myself. Continuing on the current patyh is distructive, but what is worse?<P>My W seems to have no inteest whatsoever in rebuilding. I'm starting to lose faith. I don't want the kids to get caught in the middle, and many have suggested that I move into Plan B. But, I don't want to give them the impression that I am abandoning them.<P>I am very active in their lives. I coach them, we goof around, I try to attend as much school activities as I can (although, with work, it's few and far between). I have not been absent in their lives.<P>What do I do when I'm looking at how this will torment them for years to come? I'm particularly interested in Willbok99's viewpoint, since my daughter is 12. And, my D know the OM like she knows her dad's OP.<P>I'll try to check back later tonight. Otherwise, I'll check back on Monday am, PST.<P>Thanks,<P>--keystone

hi ws, not sure quite why I am here, or how I feel about it yet....okay, so I am in a reflective mood again!<BR>I do think your h can still make the effort to talk to your son abt the events. He needs to get the communication going with that kid anyway. Is he still coming over to your house for dinner a few days a week? If so, can you and mm leave the room and encourage them to just talk? It might be a good start...you could even talk to both and urge them to spend some time together? If both know how important it is to you and 'family' maybe a tiny step from each side could start building toward the middle again.<BR>Yes, I understand how angry, upset and disappointed you feel. Want to about strangle the two responsible for such a mess. If you keep your son first in your heart, you will do the right thing and help him toward healing this gaping wound.<BR>((((hugs))) <P>still cannot spell guys! sorry<p>[This message has been edited by cl (edited March 11, 2000).]

I question that if our spouses who betrayed not only us, but their children as well, knew what devestation their actions would bring, would they have embarked on their course of infidelity?<P>I also know that until they did they were not "fogged up" with rewriting history and had not so totally lost it.<P>But, once on this very destructive course, they have to justify their own happiness and insist that everyone else accept this with no responsibility for the resulting chaos. In my case, H has stated to all that the kids are just fine and if they are not, well they live with their mother and it is therefore her fault!!! <P>If the adulterous parent simply wants to sweep the whole thing under the carpet, the children will need the intervention of therapists...they can see things a lot more clearly. To tell teens that their father/mother loves them and is a parent to them when s/he is never there for parental things and does not offer unconditional love is unacceptable.<BR>Our children are a lot more perseptive than we give them credit for. We can only be there for them 100% and try to help them sort this out even if we have trouble.<P>Unfortunately, who the parent picks as their SO impacts on the kids and this is where it is frightening...they have no choice at all in being with someone who is a disaster (and I know many OP are not dreadful people, but H's OW is)<P>All my 4 teenagers have impacted from this, the 2 younger ones still at home have had a very hard time while the 2 at school have not been home for much of the craziness, but even though removed have not found this all that easy and this will impact not onl;y on their future relationships, but also on trust etc and their relationships with both their father and myself....and this should not be.....<P>It is this aspect that still gets to me, how much the kids are affected and the stupidity H has shown throughout all this mess in so many of his choices regarding the children and his dealing , or not dealing with any of this and leaving me to clean up his mess.<P>All he wants is it to be "nice" so he can be happy, and to h$!! with the rest and the kids have fun with him and show their happy side to him and this is therefore all he sees. They know that if they are not behaving in a certain way then he does not want to be with them...and this is one of the reasons he embarked on his affair of self discovery....he wanted to get away from living with teens which was not always so much fun and intefered with his enjoyment of life as he now felt he wanted which was to be unencumbered with any child rearing!

My older kids have coped by completely shutting their father out of their lives, but I wonder about the long term impact. They seem to have convinced themselves that fathers are unimportant in raising children. <P>Our son said months ago that he never wants to get married because he doesn't want to risk doing the same thing to his wife that my H did to me. <P>If the kids seem unhappy, if they are not perfectly behaved, he blames it all on me. He takes responsibility for nothing.

Think how I feel. Everything is being blamed on me. That is why I am losing the girls. Parent Allienation Syndrome. Some of these therepist and pshycologists need to get a clue. The wayward spouse leaves...treats his "previous" family like they don't exist....smacks and screams at the children....tells them stuff about their mother that they shouldn't even hear....tells people in front of the children what their mom never did. Lies and decieves and the children know the truth. Now who is alienating the children...me or him?<P>Yes my children have been affected. I see it almost everyday. I can only do so much...talk nice about their dad.....hold them....tell them I love them....listen....help them with their problems (be it school or social)....get them counseling...etc.<P>I have been a great mom.....they know it and I know it.<P>He sucked as a dad....and I think it is his guilt about this that has caused him to take the path he is currently taking<BR>Nancy

We found out about my mother`s affair on Dec. 17th and since then my life has been turned upside down. I DO NOT get along with her, and in all honesty I purposely pick fights with her. So she has managed to make me look like the bad person and she is always telling everyone how mean I am and of course cries making herself look like the victim. I hate how she treats my dad, you would think that he cheated on her. EVERY time they talk she yells at him and cusses him out! She says shes not sorry for what shes done and continues to be with him (they live together) That side of the family is so wierd to me, in fact my aunt a few days ago left a message on the answering machine saying how "mean and vicious" I am (I didn`t call my mom, and it was her b-day) She tells us that it is between my dad and my mom (which makes me wonder why SHE doesn`t stay out of it) But anyway, b/c I am 15 I can`t be on my own, but I don`t want to see her ever. Does anyone know what I should do? Or do I HAVE to see her? If you have any advice please e-mail me at anc21@hotmail.com and also I wanted to say this is a great board and I really love how so many people have turned to Christ for help, I`ve found that`s the only way to feel better.