Okay, well, we've made some advances here but I'm not real sure where to go next. Some insight please. <P>A quick recap for those who don't know my scenario...H betrayed me (surprise!) by telling me in 97 he was attracted to someone but had ended it when in fact, he had not. Despite all of my effort to follow the MB advice and rules and suggestions for recovery and a good marriage, despite his cooperation with my efforts, he was still in contact with her. Only by phone as they are in two different countries. Anyway, the EA got to the point where the two of them wanted to marry, though he didn't want to divorce me, their religion would allow for this. Major yuck but these are the facts.<P>Did Plan A before and everything else advised back in 97. Obviously, we are now beyond that point. So I was about to move to Plan B when H decided he is no longer "undecided" as to how he wants to live his life but that he has decided to work on this marriage. (He did not know I was about to boot him out of the house.)<P>He is seeing a counselor, seems to be opening up, is making real efforts with me to be patient and understanding and allowing me to ask questions and express my hurt and even anger. He DOES seem to be trying to make an effort here. I, on the other hand, have refused to make any changes in his favor until he shapes up. I've even told the counselor I will not consider any changes at this time. <P>HOWEVER! (and you knew this was coming...) he does admit that he still feels he loves this other woman and that he loves her more than me.<P>I thought the best thing to do was to have him move out from the house, to continue working with the counselor until he reaches the point that he feels he no longer loves her, is drawn to her, and that he is ready to give his heart to only me.<P>I didn't think "no contact" with me or the children was necessary to follow because he seems to be moving along in a positive way rather than still trying to have his cake and eat it, too. And I want to support him but I also need to protect myself, straighten myself out given all the pain of his actions regarding the affair, and he, too, needs to straighten himself out given his own baggage before we can begin working together on this marriage. I just didn't see that this would be best handled by staying together. <P>I realize that if we were apart, he might be more prompted to actively try to work on it and move things along. And I also realize the reality exists that he will also have greater opportunity to call her given I'm in his life less but it seems to me I can't fight that one anyway. I mean, I lived with him and loved him and have given birth to two of his children during this affair and as it was he called her every week, more than once, for two years. So I can't possibly stop him from self-destructing. It seems there are just some things I can't worry about because I can't change them and it will have to be up to him to police his own actions.<P>SO! Am I on the right track here or what folks? I really don't know that having him move out is best for his withdrawal but I do feel it is best for me, emotionally. However, I think I am more capable of coping with things than he is in that he needs more support and I can work better under difficult situations. So if anyone has a good reason, aside from paranoia, as to why I should keep him home, please let me know. <P>Admittedly, I don't see that he really has a right to be here when his heart belongs to her right now. But that's just me!<P>Looking forward to all your thoughts! Thanks!

Is there hope?,<P>You have to be the judge of H's progress...<P>You have to say whether it is adeqaute...<P>If he has been "coming around"...<BR>If the contact with OW has slowed to a crawl...<BR>If he is really moving to the kind of H you knew he could be...<BR>...<B>BE MORE PATIENT</B>!...<P>If you see the progress as too slow...<BR>I series of fake steps forward...<BR>A way for him to just cover things up....<BR>...<B>Plan B</B>!...<P>No one real knows your H like you...<BR>No one understands what progress has been made...<P>If you've grown by MB principles...<BR>...you'll know when the time is right! for any Plan!...<P>I'd pray on this one...<BR>Listen for an answer...<BR>for yourself... for your kids... for your H...<P>I'll be honest with you.... my gut feel... <BR>...it's the "harder" path that is usually the "right" path!<P>My prayers for you... <P>Jim

Jim<P>Thank you for your reply. You are right, the "right" thing to do is typically the hardest thing to do. I've always believed that though I know there are exceptions. Your advice is good on patience or plan. I'll keep that in mind.<P>Is there stuff in the MB site that talks about the betrayed person overcoming fear? I don't know how else to describe it but to say that even though I want to try again, given how well he deceived me, I'm afraid that despite his alleged efforts and my true ones, it could happen again...that he could and would deceive me again and betray me again. I'm less afraid of being betrayed than having to live with the pain of all the deception. That must sound odd but it is true. I almost would expect him to disappoint me at this point but I don't know if I can be brave enough to subject myself to trusting that he won't do this Jekyl/Hyde thing again. <P>I know it's mental on my part, and with justification, but I've yet to find anything on the site about moving forward with this kind of an obstacle. Any thoughts?<P>Thank you for our reply!