What do you do when you are void of all feelings towards the people you are supposed to love most?<BR>I am new here, but not new to the subject.<P>I had an affair two years ago with my husbands friend from college. It lasted 9 months. I had the affair to end my marriage. I had wanted out for a very long time. The affair did not end the marriage, and we continued on. I really never recovered form the affair and living in a very small town, i see him everyday.( I have to drive by his house to take my kids to school.) <BR>Unfortunetly, two months ago, opportunity presented itself and I ended up with him again. The first time i felt so guilty. this time i have no feelings at all. I really don't feel sorry, (i should), I need to apologize(i cannot) I need to love(i cannot) I need to keep my family together(it is falling apart).<P>What do you do when you cannot feel anymore and is that natural?<P> I know that I want to love my husband, but, i cannot even begin to show it. I am constantly aggravated at everything he does, i do not want his love or kisses or concern, i am not sure at times i want this marriage to work. <BR> I realize that depression and withdrawal take place with ema's but this is crazy. Any advice? I am so desprete for answers?! <P> <P>

Mercy~<BR>I am not the betrayer so you may not want to hear what I have to say because I'm not the expert on this situation. I know that part of my problem with my marriage is that I was ignoring something I really believed in....First Corinthians, chapter 13 was my favorite all time chapter in the bible and there was one passage that I was neglectful of, "love does not take into an account a wrong suffered". I was keeping score....<BR>Everytime he dissappointed me, everytime he did something hurtful(even without knowing), everytime he pushed my buttons. Rather than say something to him, to communicate my hurts or angers, I would keep tally and built up a good case of anger and resentfulness. I think if he hadn't had the affair that I would have eventually.....<BR>Anyhow, it kinda sounds like you are hooked on this OM, but for what reasons? Obviously you want to rebuild your marriage, that is what Marriage Builders Forum is about and you wouldn't feel the guilt you do if you didn't still have some feelings for him. Take the time to examine exactly what it is that is affecting you. Maybe seek some outside counselling. Read "After the Affair" as well as Dr. Harley's books, especially the last chapter from "After the Affair since there is stuff in there that addresses your concerns precisely. Then decide what you must do at that point. Don't react in haste, you may regret what you do, but think things through very carefully and know (as you said yourself) that you really don't want to hurt your spouse, so you must have some kind of feelings for him. Remember that we are here for venting, screaming, questions, and other emotions and know that you are not alone, that this is a terrible disease but you can survive it. God Bless! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!