When I think it cannot get worse it does.<BR>H and I had a huge fight last night, actually I would say he fought I said allot of nothing. I have stayed through an affiar, only to have to go through more. WHY> I feel so dead inside. My H has always looked away when there was a naked women on tv movies ect. I don't know where this came about he has just always done it, thats why the affair hit me so hard. Last night after having had a small disagreement we were watching a movie and a women was naked and after 6 yrs of looking away he said he had had it. He was gonna look cause he loved to look at women. And then proceded to tell me how good she looked, and reminded him of how I USED to look. Though this may not see like a big deal to some of you it hurt me so badly. He just kept going on and on. I have been married to this man for 6 yrs and suddenly I feel like I don't know him. I have always been insecure and not wanted him to look at other women (naked ones) but now even more so after a affair. SO for him to tell me all this blows me out of the water. How he had watched porn during our seperation. I feel like I don't know him, and all his hurtfull words feel like a knife. <BR> How much do I have to endure. I just don't know how much more I can deal with. I love him so much but how can I work so hard only to be hurt over and over. I am just feeling so dead inside today, I just only wish I had those wings I dreamed of as a child, so I could fly away. <P>------------------<BR>God is our refuge and STRENGTH,<BR>A very Present help in trouble.<BR>Psalm 46:1<BR>I sought the Lord and he heard me, <BR>and delivered me from all my fears.<BR>Psalms 34:4<P>

You are correct I DON"T get the big deal about watching a naked woman ON TELEVISION! I think you definitely need to deal with your self-esteem if you feel threatened by an actress that he will NEVER meet. I understand how you could feel insecure about the comment he made about how you used to look, but I think we are taking the looking at a naked woman a bit to the left here. Try and I do mean TRY not to taking his comment so seriously. Think of it like this. I want my H to look good for me, so if there is something that he wears or how he looks that I don't like I have no problem in letting it be known. If i am going to try to look good for you then you better try to give me the same respect. We all have ways that we want our spouses to look. If he is unhappy about something on your apprearance then try to change it ONLY IF YOU CAN! We all want to be proud of the spouses appearance. And WORK ON YOUR SELF-ESTEEM FOR YOU AND ONLY YOU!

I am sorry Trying 2 forgive but Obviously you don't understand. I think anyone would have a self asteem problem when there spouse goes out and cheats on them. Maybe I am wrong and if so I am sorry I posted something so personal.<P>------------------<BR>God is our refuge and STRENGTH,<BR>A very Present help in trouble.<BR>Psalm 46:1<BR>I sought the Lord and he heard me, <BR>and delivered me from all my fears.<BR>Psalms 34:4<P>

I would really appreciate some opinions on this because I really don't think that H looking at porn and me not liking it has anything to do with Self asteem. I am so very down right now I cannot eat or anything. Please someone who knows what I am talking about please respond.<P>------------------<BR>God is our refuge and STRENGTH,<BR>A very Present help in trouble.<BR>Psalm 46:1<BR>I sought the Lord and he heard me, <BR>and delivered me from all my fears.<BR>Psalms 34:4<P>

Secret,<P>If we are talking about Porn here then there is no question. Porn is demoralizing to any woman. I understand your hurt and agree that any man looking at pornography is not only hurting himself but his relationship with his partner. I think that is a given.<P>Don't allow yourself to be caught up in his sin. You are a person of value. You are a child of God. That is also a fact which you need to stand on. Your values may not be the same as everyone on this forum, so don't allow anothers opinions to shake your faith. Your self esteem needs to be based on your values. It is vital that you feel good about yourself, I think that is what the other poster was saying. It is very hard not to have your self esteem affected by an affair, but keep things in perspective. Yor H's decision to betray was just that......his decision. <P>I will not allow pornography in my marriage. That is based on my value system.<BR>.<BR><P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR>

But I am not talking porn all together. Yes that was an issue but also the fact of just constantly checking out other women. Am I the only one out there that does not feel comfortable with this. Yes I am sure it has to do with self esteem a bit, but I don't look at other men because I love H so totally. Is it so much to expect him not to be checking out every women and especially the naked ones.<P>------------------<BR>God is our refuge and STRENGTH,<BR>A very Present help in trouble.<BR>Psalm 46:1<BR>I sought the Lord and he heard me, <BR>and delivered me from all my fears.<BR>Psalms 34:4<P>

Men are different from women. You are being really unfair to your H to expect him to never look at a woman because you never look at a man. I am against porn. But I have no problem with my mate looking at other women. I alway say that it doesn't matter where he gets his appetite as long as he eats at home. Men are very visual. Really I will be worried about him when he stops checking out other women. I think this is more your problem then his, as long as we are not talking porn.

I can well understand your pain after your H made such a thoughtless comment comparing you to other women. Yes men are more visual but that does not excuse his comment. You are fragile right now after your H affair and then for him to say something like that there really is no justification. It was just plain hurtful. If having an attrative spouse is one his emotional needs then he needs to approach you in a loving manner.<P>Your H sound like a former BF of mine.The constant looking and letting me know I did not measure up. Eventually he decided not " to eat at home" as another poster put it.

*SecretuvmyStrength* -- OK, I'm a man, and in my opinion what you H did was not only uncalled for, but also very disrepectful to you.<P>I told my W when we first started dating, that I would always look at other women. Then when I stopped looking, that it was time to bury me. I was not being disrespectful to her at all. I was simply stating a fact. YES, I look at other women. I don't go out of my way to do this, but if I see a good looking woman, I will look at her. I have enough respect for my W however, that I do NOT stare at other women, especially when we are together. That is simply rude and disrespectful in my opinion.<P>The porn issue is something entirely different. First of all, if the two of you chose to watch porn together, then that is fine, but the man should never use that as an opportunity to belittle his partner.<P>You are entirely correct when you say that living through infidelity can cause some major self esteem problems. It does not matter whether you are male or female, your partner chose to be with someone else. You then find yourself evaluating and re-evaluating <B>everything</B> about yourself. I know I have had to deal with this, and I am sure to some degree or other, most of the members of this forum have felt the same. For some, it is just much more intensely felt.<P>*SecretuvmyStrength*, I don't know if I have accurately interpreted your feelings or not, but from what I have read on this thread, I hope I have at least touched on your concerns.<P>God Bless

.<p>[This message has been edited by Isaac (edited December 02, 1999).]

Empty SHell<BR>Yes you did help and thank you. I wonder sometimes why I even come here when reply's sometimes can be so heartless. We never watched the porn together. He did that on his own. !!!!! And this has been very painfull for me, to be compared in this manner. This may not be nothing to someone else but it is to me.<P>------------------<BR>God is our refuge and STRENGTH,<BR>A very Present help in trouble.<BR>Psalm 46:1<BR>I sought the Lord and he heard me, <BR>and delivered me from all my fears.<BR>Psalms 34:4<P>

Hi, Secret. I felt compelled to answer here, because I feel so much the same feelings about my own marriage. I betrayed, but my husband just recently told me that he had an affair before my betrayal. I am in shock to say the least. <P>Didn't want to deviate, but I have been feeling the same as you. I feel like a married couple should cleave to one another, that's what marriage is about, isn't it? The replies you've gotten here are not what I've seen on whole on this site at all. There are some very caring people here. I feel so much for your situation, because I can understand and empathize so well. All we want is our husband's love. Is that too much to ask, really? Isn't that why we marry? Why is it that the man can look around as much as he likes and that's just fine? Doesn't this lead to something else, (as in my case with my husband?). I'm so sorry you've gone through this and received replies (except for Empty, his was great!) that were less than sympathetic. I understand, and if you need to talk, let me know.

I can't believe I missed this before... I guess because of the subject title... I also feel like I'm dying inside and just didn't want to deal with another persons pain. I'm sorry about that.<P>The way you feel is difficult, because on one hand, you and your H are adults, and looking at and/or admiring a naked person isn't that big of a deal, especially if you both agreed to watch a movie that might have nudity. On the other hand, there is the infidelity to consider, how he has acted in the past, and the remarks he made to you. Tough place you are in.<P>I think you should avoid watching movies with your H that might have nudity (sadly, that's just about every one!). Also, try to find a way to tell your H how his words made you feel. <P>I'm no prude, but I have to say that when I watched the movie "Titanic" I never expected to see a full on boob shot like the one where Kate Winslet was posing for Leo. I was honestly embarrassed and wished the scene would just hurry up and finish. I wasn't jealous and I didn't care if my H found her beautiful or not, I just didn't see why I had to see a 20 foot breast on the screen. I liked the old fashioned "implied" romance of movies like "An Affair to Remember" myself. Go figure!<P>Best wishes to you, secret... just wanted to reply, although I probably didn't help much. <BR><P>------------------<BR>The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.<BR>-Carl Rogers<BR>

COnnor, THank you so much!!!!! I think since all this begun today was one of the worst days and then with this post I was beginning to think I was all alone. I agree 100% I believe if you are constantly looking at others it is inevitable that you would wish your spouse was more like that or in the end wish you had the person you were looking at. And that leads to why we are all here. INFIDElity. THank you so much.<P>New Begging, Thank you also and I too enjoy the old movies where it was more left up to the imagination.LOL. But I guess some don't have much of one.

Years ago, my boyfriend kept commenting on how nice women looked and it began to bother me. There were also a few comparison remarks amd they did more than bother me. Don't know how, but I found a way to deal with it. <P>I began to comment and say, that's a good looking woman. As I kept on, I realized that often I noticed before he did, or at least, commented before him. That took the sting out for me. And if he was goading me, (not sure) it took away the edge. <P>It really did make things better. I didn't get so hurt and he wasn't commentng so much. He has been dead for more than 20 years now but I can still see another woman as attractive and simply see that fact without feeling threatened. It gave me insight into how they simply appreciate outward attractivness.<P>You have to try it to see benefits.<P>Kinda like, I can look at a man, and think, WOW, he looks good. But don't want for myself. Similar to: that is a great dress, but not for me. OR that is a great dress but I already have one. Your noticing first takes the edge off. AND they do look for the looking. <P> The comparison comments are ugly but take that away by pointing out another female first. Again, try it before you knock it.<P>Melissa<P>------------------<BR>

Hi,<P>I am here. I understand. I have died a couple of times too. I don't know the reasons for feeling this way inside. I have felt it many times. I wrote something 8 years ago when I was in high school. I just found my journal. I don't know what the meaning of it was suppose to be at the time. I hope you understand it. This is how I once was and heading there today.<P>A typical conclusion of what matters. Provisions in sight transform into utter reality. Dependent upon the light of day, only to fall apart in the darkness of the night. Look up to the sky and see reflections of a dream that burns as hot as the sun. A reality only know by heart and mind. A single soal is present here. Here not is the end, but only the beginning of a long road. Continue on to a greater place than this. Do not need to understand the clarity of reason. Just hold close works of meaning and sights of reality. Because someday the prudest of all will try to cut your hopes and dreams away. Hold on Hold on<BR>Hold on.<P>Here is another one I would read this everyday to myself.<P>The best of all to myself. Accept my tasks and challanges of my life. I will run and I will walk..And no I will never stop, for I know if I do, I shall fall, only to be run into the ground by others who will try to break me down. Sooooo... To my self I believe in reality of self acceptance. The emotional balance of my gratitude and honor of self image. Good luck god bless you!!

I don't think there is anything wrong with you feeling insecure.I feel insecure when my husband makes a comment about how I look.He will tell me that I'm fat while we are in a fight.And I know I'm not,because I'm 5'5 & I weigh 135lbs.But coming from him makes me feel pretty dead inside also.When he says it I feel in my mind it must be true.And we are having a very hard time right now.We are really broke, we just had a baby 2months ago& we are living at my mom's.There are 6 of us all together in the house & money is tight for everyone which makes fights occur a little more often.Be glad you have your own house & you always have yourself to count on- don't ever forget that.<P>------------------<BR>

Ok I just got through reading the bible and in there, there is some scriptures in Job and my bible explains everything and this is what it said. <BR>Job 31:1 This is right out of my bible word for word:<P>Job said . I have made a covenant with my eyes; why then should I look upon a young woman? That is, he had committed not to lust after women with his eyes. In our day with it's "anything goes" attitude, Job's commitment may seem old fashioned but it is one mark of a godly man. Jesus commented on this in Matt 5:27, 28<BR>Job made an inner commitment to avoid staring at women so that his life would be righteous before God. Sexual sin and temptation can be avoided by God's people " making covenant with their eyes" not to lust. Your eyes are a gateway to your mind, and what you fill your mind with will eventually be lived out in your actions.<P>I think those last few lines say allot. If my H had not been looking in the first place when our marrige hit a rought point he may not have fallen into the trap of Infidelity. I know allot will disagree with this, but I think some things should not just be accepted as that is how men are.<P><BR>Jordon, Thank you for your response. It is so easy when you are hurting to even realize that it could be worse. Thank you for reminding me and I will keep you in my prayers.<BR> <BR>Camjon, Thank you for sharing your letters or should I say beautiful poetry. Very wise words and did you say it was from High school>?<P>------------------<BR>God is our refuge and STRENGTH,<BR>A very Present help in trouble.<BR>Psalm 46:1<BR>I sought the Lord and he heard me, <BR>and delivered me from all my fears.<BR>Psalms 34:4<P>