When H came home this am, all his stuff was out of the closet. I said your stuff is ready to go and I would like you out of here today.<P>I think he was a bit shocked.<P>I think I am a bit shocked that I did this. <P>I have been reading Love Must Be Tough. Well, I had to do what I had to do. I did not give him a letter, nothing. I told him when I get the garage cleaned out I will let him know, then he can pick up the rest of his stuff. I told him if there is anything I will leave it out in the porch, that I did not want him stepping into this house again.<P>He asked if I was going to the wedding today. I said no don't think thats a very good idea. When he was getting his stuff out he would say "babe, where is this?" <P>I think he needs to see the reality of his situation and live with it. If it pushes him into her arms then we were never meant to be together.<P>It hard to believe that last weekend I had such high hopes. Obviously he didn't. Oh well life does go on. Somehow I will manage to get through this.<P>T<BR>

T,<P>Good luck! You just did one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Sometimes there is no reason to plan A. I know in mine there isn't. We have to do what we can to survive.<P>I do understand some of what you've been thru. My H is also an alcoholic. He likes to gamble but not to the extent that your H does. Mine is also abusive though (verbally and physically). <P>Just be strong. It is extremely hard to come to these decisions and even harder to stick to them.<P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

T,<BR>I helped my H pack some stuff too. God, it broke my heart. The girls were helping and you could see the confusion in their eyes. He couldn't do it while they were in school or when they were in bed......had to come right at dinner time. <P>I gave him dishes..pans....towels...sheets...everything he needed to get started. He even took the laundry detergent...left me with nothing but the old stuff we had since our wedding shower....11 years ago.<P>I just let him have it....didn't want him to upset the children with his words. He was drunk that night. I helped him carry stuff out to the car.....then he started screaming and yelling out of the blue.....girls standing right there. Threw me down in the grass and kneeled on my chest. Told me how he was so embarrassed of me and what a "mental" freak I was.<P>I'm glad he is gone....yes, I miss the "old" Kenny I married....but I really believe he is gone forever.<P>Nancy<P>

T,<P>It doesn't surprise me that Mitzi and Nancy responded above me. I know as well as them, that we all share your pain.<P>What you did was hard, but incredibly brave. I am not familiar with this book, but sounds good.<P>You have to take care of you. At first, this seperation will be hard. I have found that the more you focus on YOU and not THE MARRIAGE, THE AFFAIR and THE LOSS you feel, the better. Think of all the things, you always wanted to do. And get out there and do them!! They can be anything small, like getting a manicure to something big (Like me, I am getting a butterfly tattoo on my leg, a small one, but to remind me that its time for me to move on. I always wanted one, and H had some, just I never got around to it.) I can't wait. I just haven't had time yet to do it.<P>Well, just stopped by to offer some prayers and support to you. You just might get used to this time alone. Its hard, you always miss the old H (me too) but life goes on. One day you just get stronger and stronger, until you really can't remember the last day you cried. I am here for any questions you might have. <P>Dana<BR>

Thank-you Mitzi, Nancy and Dana.<P>Dana, one thing you said that really struck me was about remembering the last time you cried. I can honestly say I have not cried. I've had a few tears but the flood gates have not opened. I am in denial still but the anger is starting. <P>I am reading a new book "Codependency No More & Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie. What an I opener for me. Once again the denial thing when a friend said I was co-dependent, not me, well let me tell you I'm about as co-dependent as they come.<P>Today had to go to the store, had to H's car cuz he took mine, anyway the CD that he had in was John Berry, and the song was "You and Only You", it says "all I need is one more chance to prove my love to you" etc etc. He has played that for me in the past. Denial again?? Wishfull thinking? <P>Wonder when I get out of denial?? H told me about her on his b-day Feb 6, HELLO, TIME TO WAKE UP?? I still feel he loves me, he told me that yesterday on the phone, then goes and spends the night with her???!!! Oh well I feel I did the right thing.<P>My d who is 14 is pXXXed. She called him on his cell, he said he was in San Diego and hung up on her. This is her Step-dad, she overcame so much and finally came around and thought the world of him and this. She said shes is going after the ow. Told her don't do that. She said she was never coming back to this house again. She is at a friends house right now, very angry at me also. Told me "never let that man in my house again" .<P>I think back on this whole relationship and wonder why why why. Why did I do this to my kids, we were happy when I was single!! All hell broke loose when I started dating him. We went through alot. Now this, we are in a small town and word got around to her friends mom who told her friend who told my d, I would have never have told her (or my youngest) what was happening. <P>Well this co-dependency book is helping alot too, so I will just keep plugging away. Maybe I will find some answers as to HOW CAN I LOVE THIS MAN after all that has happpened?? <P>Wrote this to him, don't know if I will give it to him, feedback please!!<P>H,<BR>I didn’t want to write or talk or feel but here I am once again.<P>I have finally reached the point of anger. You know it wasn’t so much about us but what this has done to my kids, especially V. She is so angry. She called me and told me that she tried talking to you and that you hung up on her. Don’t you understand that this poor child is going through HELL!!!!! <P>We both know this was coming. I am sorry our relationship had to end this way, I have accepted this and now am moving on. <P>I have felt (most people do) that this has been my fault. I clearly am the victim of your irresponsibility, suffering the greatest pangs of guilt and feelings of inferiority. I allowed you to magnify my failures to justify your actions. <P>I feel that despite human frailties, I did value my marriage and tried to preserve it. It is not reasonable that I should hate myself for what has happened. I have learned that rejection by the one you love is the most powerful destroyer of self-esteem in the entire realm of human experience. <P>I guess after all of this I realize you are not the man I thought you were. You may rationalize your selfishness to yourself, but never again to me. In the beginning of our relationship I thought you were a strong man. I thought you could be someone I could share things with and grow with, in good times and in bad. How very wrong I was. I am emotionally drained. You are very selfish and will continue to be so. <P>I thought my love for you would be enough. I don’t think anybody’s love will ever be enough for you. I believe that you easily become distracted and look for a new challenge at every turn. You have found your new challenge and thankfully I am out of the picture. <P>I have nothing left to give you. I gave up so much to try and win your acceptance, your approval and your love. I realize now that I had an unobtainable goal.<P>Your gorgeous and you know it (as if you don’t know that) but you use your looks to hide so many insecurities within yourself. I wish you could understand that if you don’t change what’s inside you will never find true happiness and peace within you. You will continue to be abusive in relationships and once again justify your behaviors at another’s expense. I can hear you saying “abusive”, what the hell is she talking about?? The emotional abuse that we (meaning V, A and myself) have gone through. We all tried so hard. V overcame so much and finally accepted you. She looked at you as her father. Now you can’t even speak to her.<P>We had 4 years together. I have 4 years of emotional junk to get through to rebuild myself. No doubt it will take a while but I will be a better person because of this. I am a strong person, but have lost that person, she is still in there and I will find her again. I will no longer allow you to hurt me. I will move on with my life. I will grow as a person. <P><BR>“ In love addiction, the love object is felt to be god-like and thus fusion with that person brings rapture. In such cases one projects divine abundance onto another person and then depends on that person to validate one's own worth." <P>Kind of an interesting statement don’t you think?? <P>I think you had made a decision long ago about us. Today I helped you. Don’t worry, this is the last you will hear from me. I have stepped back from your life and what you are seeking. I will no longer bother you with how I feel, or what I may think. <P>T<P><BR>let me know what you think of the letter, got stuff from different places that applied.<P>t<BR>