I have been married for 15 years. Married on the rebound. Was a virgin bride. Had been molested as a child. Love H but not inlove. I knew from shortly after the first year it was a mistake. Had 2 children to soon. H emotionally and sexually abuses me. He is a sexual wierdo. The relationship with other man started off as friendship. We worked together for several years before anything happened. He was a great listener and made me laugh. Nothing ever happened while we worked together. I never knew how he felt only how he made me feel. I had switched jobs. My last day was very sad for me because I was to afraid to tell OM but wanted him to know. As he was getting ready to leave for the day he said goodbye, kissed me and left. I was shocked. I went to work to get my last paycheck and talked to him then. He said he always felt very strong for me but did not think I felt that way. We started having lunch and talks on a weekly basis. We did this for well over a year before it turned sexual. He is a bit older and of status where we live. I know he will not leave his wife unless she found out. I am where I am and try to make the best of it. I have 2 kids that need their Dad. He is not a bad person just different. We do not talk much about problems but just tolerate. Any time I try to talk to him it gets better for a week then back to the same old thing. With OM it is not always sexual. We talk, laugh, he makes me feel like I never have. I know it is wrong. I know it is a sin. I just don't know what to do any more.

Right now your involved with another man that you may or may not love but deep down you know that you two will not be together. That pain is more tremendous then going through the withdrawl of leaving him. He has told you in so many words that he will not leave his wife. If you continue to see him your pain will never end. I know what I'm talking about. I too was involved in another man that I loved with all of my heart. Continuing with the affair knowing or thinking we would not end up together hurt much more then the withdrawl did when he tried to work it out with his wife. What I'm trying to say is that saying good bye at the end of a great day with him and having him going home to his wife and me going home to my husband when I wanted to be with the OM just about killed me. When we did stop seeing each other the pain was tremendous, just like you hear about on this board, BUT that pain was more tolerable then what I experienced in the ongoing affair. Also, please DO NOT kid yourself. You think the only chance that you have to be together in the end is if his wife finds out. Just the opposite actually. 90% of the women out there will not leave their husband because they had an affair. Just the opposite. They start to fight harder for their marriage. Her finding out may just be the ticket that their marriage needs to make it. With all of that said, you need to get counseling and move on. As painful as it will be you will come out of it a stronger person. If your husband is abusive then you need to leave your marriage because of that, not because there is another man waiting. You married your husband a virgin and inexperienced in dating (is my guess). Now you find another man that treats you the way you wish your husband treated you. IF you are in an abusive relationship, just about any guy that isn't abusing you will seem better. You also mentioned that once you talk to your husband he gets better for awhile and then falls back to his old self. If you really feel that your marriage is miserable then sit down with him, tell him he needs help (the two of you need help) and insist that you get it as a married couple or the marriage will end. Obviously because of past experiences with you, he knows he can fall back into his old habits and your STILL there. Why should he change when your not carrying through with your threats (get counseling or else). If he's a good dad and you feel that he can change then insist on that. Put all of your energy and cleaning your marriage up. If you decide to leave your marriage, do it for you, not for another man.

Picnic<P>My heart goes out to you. You have endured a lot in life. I respect you for that. I have had a rough life too and I really can relate to people who stay in a marraige for the wrong reasons. I did it.<P>I have a few comments. One about your H. I hope you are safe when you say he is a sexual weirdo and that he abuses you. Is it possible for a husband to sexually abuse his wife? I am not sure , this is an unfamiliar topic to me? That frightens me to question it, are you positive your kids (girls) will be safe? I may be reading into it wrong, and I am emotional today myself, so I don't mean to offend you in any way. I do know a girl whose boyfriend severly sexually abused her and in the end, he did it to her daughters as well. <P>Next on the OM situation, if you leave your H do it for you and the girls. If OM leaves his wife and you end up together down the road, let that be two different sitations. Don't accept less than you deserve in this life.<P>There are other men out there that will treat you well, I am talking to one right now and let me tell you, I never thought I'd meet one like him. You should have some freedom and date if you do leave your h. It sounds like you are still emotionally attatched to him as well.<P>I am sending you a big hug today and prayers that you find some peace. Welcome again and I am sure you will find much strength from this site.<P>Dana<BR>

After reading your background I feel different then my previous post.<P>First, as far as the other man is concerned. He has spelled it out to you by telling you that you do not rate more then his wife and family. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but dump him he really does love you like he claims to.<P>Second, If you husband has physical abused you dump him and don't give him a second chance. It really hurt what my wife did to me but I have NEVER hit her and would never think of it. You talked about "Sexual weirdo" I'm not sure what all that means but as long as he is somewhat normal you may be able to work that out. <P>I do feel for you and your situation. If for any reason you have concern about your safty of your kids you should leave. NEVER accept abuse of any kind from anyone. You have the right to what you want and he has the right to want he wants but you should do thinks together that you both are in full agreement about.<P> One last point, I was good at changing for only a week or two at a time but like I said finding out about this affair was enought of a force to motive me to change. There is nothing more painful then to have your spouse betray you so if anything will get him to change this is it.<P>Good Luck