Newbie intro and QUESTION: H and I have been married 6 years. All bad, but slowly improving. His abuse stopped after two years, verbal abuse stopped two months ago. I've been working on it one-sidedly by working on me all this time. He thinks he is in no need of work. My life seems to have been dedicated to fulfilling all his selfish demands and avoiding his wrath. <P>I rationalized staying in it for the sake of our daughter, and that this is penance for my failure in marriage #1 when I walked out on a good H and 4 children. Also needed to have financial support. <P>Now that the abuse has stopped the glare of that huge flaw has faded so the moon, planets and milky way panorama of other flaws in the relationship shine forth in all their vivid splendor. Too late? I think this is like when an alcoholic stops drinking, and then the spouse leaves! As long as the glare of the one big flaw is there the other problems don't seem to be all that significant. But when it's gone...!<P>Now I have monstrous guilt because I am getting emotionally attached to another man. This is not yet an incredibly intense romantic affair based on fantasy. So far just a really close friend, very comfortable, and really more intimate than a wife should be with anyone other than her husband.<P>Last night I again told H how lonely I am in the marriage and he said to go for it if I thought I could do better. He does not have any time to spend with me. Ever, unless I am helping him with a project of his own, like for work. He will not go with me socially to anything. He won't watch a movie with me. I don't know how to work on it any more. The problems look more overwhelming than ever. He won't read anything, or listen to tapes. But he often will negotiate a tiny bit on tiny issues now that his incredible insecurity has been rectified. But he does not want to meet my needs. He sure does demand that all his be met! He is willing to spend time with me only if it is really really good for him especially.<P>We really are a mismatch. He is a high school drop out construction worker. I have graduate degrees all over the place and am actually a practicing family law attorney. He thinks my ego is just full of crap.<P>Our daughter does not really love her dad. She no longer fears him, but she doesn't really trust him either. He has gotten much better with her though.<P>I don't have it in me to dump any friends.I feel totally alone in the marriage. I need human relationships. My first kids are all grown up and scattered around the world. My girlfriends are all married and working or busy with their own families. No one person really has the time to be my confidant and companion. <P>Should I tell H about the OM? Should I dump him and cut the loss? Should I go cold turkey and cut off my friend and force myself to rely on H for whatever crumbs may fall? I can't make this decision the logical way because my logic doesn't know how to credit the information of feelings. And I really don't have experience making sound emotional decisions. How do you all think I should decide or go from here?<P>------------------<BR>

Karenna,<P>Sounds like you should look into counseling. It would help to get an indepent third party take a look at your sitution. I think you also need to be honest with your husband about the other person you are thinking about. If you really can't stand your husband, don't just jump into another relationship to try and solve your problems. Solve your problems first and then work on relationships. <P>Not sure if this helps, but my two cents. Good luck and be strong.<P>

Karenna,<P>So sorry to have another newbie. I hate seeing new names here, because I know what that means. Sounds like you have a very unhappy marriage. Here are my comments...<P><BR>1. I agree with TimJ, you BOTH need counseling. Even if you H won't go, you should. Find a good counselor. Don't necessarily stick with the first one you see if you think he/she is directing you on the wrong track.<P>2. <B>DO NOT</B> establish an emotional relationship with someone outside your marriage. Either dedicate yourself to working on your marriage or (worst case) end it. But spending emotional capital outside the marriage is simply disaster delayed. You cannot seriously work on your marriage while you cultivate an outside relationship.<P>3. If your H is abusive or unwilling to work on improvement with you, then maybe a separation is in order (See Plan A/Plan B).<P>4. Keep reading and posting here. And be open-minded about what uyou hear.<P>Good luck, and God bless you.

Welcome to our world. Everyone is welcome--we are from allwalks of life here and do our best to support each other. I, myself, am fairly new , and have received some excellant advice. I agree with what has been said already, especially the counseling. /This is also not the time to complicate your life with another person, till you get your head together. I believe you said , you are a practicing family law atty-read your post again and pretend it was one of your clients--how would you advise them to proceed? Just approach things slowly at this point and don't make any major decisions.

Karenna, Could it be that your H has been treating you the way he does because he feels inferior to you? Does he say critical things to you about your work, etc? And, you make more money than he does, right? I'll bet he's trying to get you down so that he can feel like he has control, the upper hand, so to speak. Been there. <P>I'm also married to a dropout (well, actually Jr. H) construction worker,I have an extensive college education, have a career in the computer industry, and make more money than my husband. He has told me angrily in the past that "I'll never find a better man than him", he never would go to any of my work's social events because he said he didn't have anything in common with those "high rollers", etc. <P>Try to look at things from his point of view if you can, though it may be highly distorted. After my H and I reconciled, he told me that one of the things that really made him angry with me was that he felt that I "looked down" on his friends and what he does for a living. I did not realize I came across that way, and have asked him to forgive me. I have made a concentrated effort to be kind to all of his friends, and not say anything derogatory about him, his work or his friends. I love my H with all my heart, and since I have been doing Plan A along with a lot of prayer, his angry outbursts at me have all but disappeared. <P>There are a lot of wonderful, caring people on this board that will give you tons of encouragement, and a listening ear. Post as often as you can, many are here to help you.<P>Best wishes,<BR>MTAW<BR>

Kareena,<P>If the marriage is improving why do you want out? Is it the presence of the OM in your life? Is this something you have done before; left rather than work on the marriage? <P>You have not given too much history, but it sounds as if you have a daughter together. Isn't important to you to keep the family together for her sake if possible? <P>At this point I have many more questions than answers. As we hear more from you, I suspect you will get some very helpful responses. <P>One thing you can do, is read the material on this site. Not just in this forum,but the material about rebuilding and improving marriages that you find here may prove to be very useful.<P>Keep posting, you will definitely be getting advice and a place to vent.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thanks for all the replies. I've tried six times to post responsive replies and keep losing them, even the one I drafted off-line. Must be too long or just not meant to be. I'll try again later.<P>We are going skiing this weekend. Hope it goes well and can build something back up. Not fair to shut down when progress is still moving in forward direction. We usually don't see each other much on weekends except for family dinner Saturday night.