Husband has been a computer junkie for years. Has slept on couch for a number of years. At one point no sex for a year. I snoop (I know an LB -- been reading boards for several months) Got his password and read where he was complaining to another woman about me and kids. No sex stuff. He was livid when I confronted him. Always signs of porno stuff on computer. About a month ago, he admitted that he'd had phone sex with a woman, but that he was disgusted by the whole incident and I should just forget about it. I see by the "cookies" that come up under clubs for Yahoo clubs like Women Seeking Married Men, Men Looking for Discrete (something or other) and some porno stuff. When I asked him he said he did not belong to any clubs and that I was blowing all of this out of proportion and that since I cannot stop my snooping and won't let the phone incident go away he is thinking of leaving because he cannot live like this anymore. Our life has not been perfect but until I started checking out his internet life it was okay. He has been withdrawn for about 6 years (since computer) and tells me anything he does "is never enough." I love this man and don't want him to leave. I need help.

<P>I'm having a bad day and don't have any advice right now.<P>I just want you to know that I read your post and I'll be thinking about it. <P>If I can get my brain to working I'll post a answer later.<P>Keo

Well, sounds to me like he has an internet addiction, and his responses to you about leaving are designed to protect that addiction. It's a classic symptom of any addiction/affair.<P>My wife has told me on many occassions over the past 4 months that she was going to leave me. I just kept Plan A'ng, and made sure that I was not the one to leave. She never left, always finding excuses why she couldn't - kids, money, no where to go, etc.<P>Just the past weekend she committed to us staying together and going back to counseling to learn to meet our respective needs. Chances are that he won't leave, and even if he does chances are it will be an eye opener for him and he'll be back.<P>You've got a lot of work to do, like getting into Plan A so that one day he will open up and start to talk to you. Six years is a long time to be in withdrawals. <P>Just a thought, but if he loves the computer so much, have you tried joining him in his computer passion - even if it's not your passion? Remember, men like women who share with their recreational activities. Sounds like the computer is his recreational activity. If you are asking him to give it up, that could be a huge matter. Now this is going to sound really weird, but if you open up and actually listen to his fantacies without getting outwardly angry or sad, he will start opening up to you.<P>I did that with my wife. She wanted to sleep with other men, so I opened up and listened to her talk about that - including what she wanted to do with them. It's like being their best friend, no matter how much it hurts. It will still take time, but it can work.<P>SamH

Thanks Sam. See the problem with the computer is that it is all secretive. I know I need to Plan A. I've tried, maybe not hard enough. I need duct tape for my mouth. When I try, he just goes along and nothing changes with him. How long do I wait? Course I guess I can answer my own question.....since I want him...I wait. Well maybe if I keep hanging around here, I can get the support I need and it will make it easier.

Two other sites you might find useful.<P>Netaddiction.com<BR>Onlinesexualaddiction. (not sure about the address for this one)<P>Both address this specific problem.