I am new to this site and had been reading alot about what Dr. Harley has said. I feel that I am strong in what Ihave asked my husband to do about his infidelity. I recently found out that after my husband who is a Paramedic has had an affair for a couple of months with an ER Nurse. He states it happened and started as a friendship and a confidant in her trying to help him deal with seeing the death of a 2 year old little girl who was hit on the highway. This nurse has been in the field of emergency medicine a while and can see that my husband was having trouble with this call and tried to help him by talking. WEll, she helped him and he then began a friendship where she would tell him of her horrible life at home. My husband said it snowballed and turned into a sexual thing, but didn't want it to happen that way. He just wanted a frienship and continues to try and persuade me into thinking he can take it back to just a friendship. I argue and tell him that I can't do that and he is resistent and states that I am just telling himwhat to do. I don't know how to convince him that this has tostop. He has moved out and is living with his parents to whom I found out he is lying to them about still talking to her. He has escaped me hounding him by going to his parents where he can be alone to make sure she is ok and can talk to her. I don't know what to do. I toldhim that I was reading this website and told himthat I am movingon with my life. I am getting some counseling this weeek and I feel good. I just wish he could see what he is doing to his life. He has everything in his hands and he is blowing it away for his reconciliation with his friend. Friends come and go, but family is forever. Can anyone help me or him to understand why he needs to help her. I have tried to talk to this woman and tell her to stay away that we are trying to make things work and all I got from her was to have me tell my husband to stay away from her then. Today I have taken most all of his things and sent them over to his parents house. He works night shifts from 5 at night to 5 in the morning thensleeps most of the day if he isn't talking with her. On his nights off he stays up and plays on the computer and talks to her in yahoo while playing euchre. Meanwhile I work a 8 to 5 job. We never see each other to even try to make it work. What todo.<P>------------------<BR>

Hi Ems Wife,<P>I really can't help you out much here because I am having a similiar problem with my H. He is living with OW and feels the need to help her out with home improvements and such. This is the second time he has moved back to her. I keep asking myself why does he care for OW more than his own family and wife? He will tell me he is taking care of us but that is just paying bills and giving money for food. He needs to come home and care for us like he does her. Does your H say that he loves you at all still?<P>Last summer during our first separation I was very tired of covering up for him. The counselor told me to tell the truth to his family if they call. I did and it was news to them what was going on. My H would pretend everything was OK. Your H's parents much know what is going on if he lives with them. Do they know of the affair that has split the two of you? If you are close to them maybe you can talk to his parents and let them know what you hope for the future.<P>I wish I could have been of some help here, but I need help as well. <P>I will be thinking of you and hope all turns out well for you. <P>Pam

Dear EMS: Like I told Pinky, Take care of yourself. You come first. Do you have children? How long have you been married? In regards to the work schedules, my spouse and I have had different work schedules for the past 22 years. I work days, him evenings. Yes, it was difficult at first and because of our lack of recognizing that there was a problem. It took some major reorganization in our marriage to work out a plan. We still have different work hours, but, on his days off or mine, we will make it a point to spend time together even if it's working out in the yard. I have made a promise that I will not let our work or anyone else interfere in our marriage. It's alot of work I'll admit, but I feel that our relationship is worth the effort. We're not perfect and we do slip up and do our own thing, but we do our own thing 40 plus hours per week. So work schedule differences is not an excuse for him to not spend time with you. From what I hear, he's already made the decision to continue the relationship with the nurse. If I am right, then you need to heal yourself. Remember that you cannot control his behavior, but you can control yours. You can take steps in caring for yourself. You are seeing a counselor(step one). Life will be good for you. Good luck!