Well, I am new here and have only posted once before. But I would like to talk with you about what I think about your comments regarding "Soulless'exH" post about "schizzos" post. I myself, I would love to answer some posts. In fact, I have begun many replies to some... then I get ready to send my reply and realize, that I am probably not the one to be giving advice considering that I am a betrayer myself and perhaps the betrayed might take offense to it. I guess I figure that I really have no right to say what I think about someone elses affair, although I do have thoughts and ideas and opinions about them. I thought to myself, knowing that people will read my profile and perhaps think, "What nerve does she have giving her advice when she can't even take care of her own marriage?" Does that make sense to anyone? I am not trying to sound rude about it... I don't know.. I just think that we newcomers really do need help or we wouldn't be here. We are struggling.. all with our own problems. I am struggling with ending an affair and focusing on my marriage. It is extremely hard! I just read schizzos post... and I understand her need for help for all of you, for I need it also. I have gotten some interesting responses that really made me think. I did something yesterday that I feel truly helped me to begin my process of recovery. I told a very dear friend, one that I finally felt I could trust enough with my story. It was very difficult to shock them in that way. They had no idea! I took a big chance in perhaps losing a friendship due to the fact that I didn't know how they would react or what they would think of me after they knew what I had done. I was relieved that they were very supportive of me and made a committment to me to help me in anyway they could. So you all must realize... that there is good that comes from your responses! I know I have not done much yet.. but I can't eat the whole elephant at once! I am doing the best I can.... one bite at a time... Thanks much, everyone! Even though I am still scared and worried, I feel hope...

Lacee - I am a betrayed wife, and some of the best advice and help I have gotten has been from betrayers. <P>They answer my questions from my h. perspective. They sometimes tell me where he might be emotionally. The guy betrayers help me understand how I might have failed to meet needs. <P>The women help me understand the OW, who I am trying to forgive and not want to kill.<P>Please do not feel that your status as a betrayer in any way prevents you from posting helpful words. If you need time to get with all the MB lingo, just lurk until you see some post that tugs at your heart.<P>Watch for 'Betrayers' in the subject line, and go for it! Or look for other 'newbies' that are just reaching out for the first time.<P>You are welcome here (you just aren't welcome to mess with MY husband! )<P>Liz<P>------------------<P>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR><p>[This message has been edited by POGP (edited December 02, 1999).]

Lacee, <P>I wish there was something I could say to the new folks to help you realize that there isn't a clique here. I tried to explain that in Soulless'exH's post, but I suppose I failed. <P>Everyone has something to offer. If you feel inclined to say someting - say it! This is a forum. If someone doesn't like something you say then don't worry about. You wouldn't believe some of the threads that have been posted here. there are some extremely harsh folks that can lash out if prompted. You separate the wheat from the chaff. It's a privelidge to post here. <P>If you seek help, you <B>will</B> find it. It takes time to get know people and their stories. <P>We are all here (for the most part) to <B>rebuild</B> our marriages - betrayed and betrayer a like. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I just think that we newcomers really do need help or we wouldn't be here.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>If my marriage was rosey I wouldn't be here either. We all are struggling. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am struggling with ending an affair and focusing on my marriage. It is extremely hard!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I know it's hard. My wife is still caught up in the addiction of this mess. You will find help here Lacee.<P>God bless,<P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <P><BR>

Lacee-first off, welcome to the forum! I understand completely about your insecurities because it does seem or appear that people are clicking with each other, that was something that made me "lurk" for quite awhile on this board. It appears clicky because people are saying such nice friendly things to each other and it sounds as though we are all friends. In some ways we are. We are people who have decided to open up to others. As you can tell by the responses your getting, it doesn't matter weather or not your the OW, the Betrayer, or the Enabler of the Betrayer.<BR>We all need someone to talk to sometime and when you reach out that hand to make a friendship we shouldn't base that friendship on each others past, but what we know of them from that point of meeting. I care not that your a betrayer, so wasn't my H and my friend, his lover.....I am still with my H, love him deeply and try very hard not to let the infidelity seep into our new relationship! <P>I am glad you are here, you can give us insight. Sometimes, when there are betrayers on the board, we who have been betrayed learn soooo much from them, I know that I enjoy New Beginnings comments and she has walked down both sides of that street.<BR>Anyhow, please join us, we would love to get to know you! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Lacee<P>Please don't feel that way. I've learned so much from the betrayers on this forum and many are my friends.<P>We learn so much from everyone here. Those in all stages of rebuilding or recovery. You will add so much to this board.<P>Gotta run, talk w/ you later.<P>Lori<P>

Thanks Everyone! I was feeling a bit down, mostly because my H was treating me pretty badly in front of his friend tonight here at home. Sometimes, when he does things like that, I don't feel badly at all about doing what I have. And sometimes, it makes me glad that I had someone to make me feel better about myself. I think that must just sound rotten to some of you, but when you have lived what I have at times, you justify it that way. I hope you can all try to understand my side of things. But it is still wrong and I am not saying what I have done is right, it is just at times, that I feel like I would have surely gone insane had I not done it. Wow, I think I need to be locked away sometimes.... And yes, I still know I have to try. I handled the situation well tonight. I just walked away.. and out of the room when I started feeling humiliated in front of his friend. I guess I will need to discuss this with him later tonight. I really hate this... this whole entire mess..... I want to apologize if I made anyone feel badly earlier. I didn't mean it to sound that way. Thanks again and I appreciate your support.... extremely! <BR>

Lacee -- You know, when I first came to this forum, I was very afraid of opening up to anyone. There were issues with my W's affairs which can and have very easily upset a lot of people. My story and my feelings have even caused some name calling matches before. . .<P>I tend to try and respond to those whose story is at least similar to mine. It is that bond which can sometimes get new people to open to up to what they are really feeling.<P>I have learned a great deal from everyone that I have encountered here during my time on this forum. Others who have been betrayed have helped me to understand my own feelings. The betrayers have helped me to understand my W better. An those who have the dubious honr of being bothe betrayed and betrayer have very unique insights into the feelings we all are having.<P>My W posts here ocassionally as well. Her name is hopeful1771. I think that she too has learned things from those in each "camp."<P>Please don't fear being here and talking about your story. There are many who have been where you are. There are many who will help you in ways you might never have anticipated. The more we learn about you, and the mo0re you learn about us, the better we can help each other.<P>WELCOME<P>God Bless

Lacee:<P>I read your profile, as well as your posts above, and I felt I had to respond.<P>First, please don't feel like you can't open your mouth and give your perspective. As others have written, we learn a great deal about <I>ourselves</I> when we listen to both sides of the infidelity issue. As a betrayed husband, I've learned from betrayers, like so many others here, much about the reasons why my wife chose to do what she did. Your input is as valid as anyone else's.<P>Second, I think the best advice you can get here is to <B>READ</B> alot about the subject of infidelity. Two excellent books that are NOT judgmental, but provide excellent insights into both sides of the issue are <I>Surviving an Affair</I> by Dr. Harley, and <I>After the Affair</I> by Dr. Janice Abrams-Spring.<P>Read these books. I noted a <I>hint</I> of justification in your profile when you reminded us that your H was taking you for granted. I know you probably didn't mean it that way, but I think it's a very natural feeling.<P>So often people coming to this forum for the first time are so caught up in the emotions of their situation (and rightly so), that they have difficulty putting aside their biases. We betrayeds are so concerned about being "the victim" while many betrayers are concerned about feeling justified.<P>We all eventually learn, however, two really basic precepts here:<P>(1) NOTHING justifies an affair.<P>and<P>(2) While the betrayer is solely responsible for choosing to betray, <I>neither</I> betrayer NOR betrayed is <I>completely</I> blameless for the breakdown of the marriage.<P>I urge you to read and post as much as you can. There are so many bright people here with insights you may never have thought of. There is a LOT of hope here, a lot of support, and most of all, a lot of love.<P>If you can learn and master the approach to marriage that Dr. Harley espouses, you can build an even better marriage than you had before your affair. My wife cheated over 8 months ago. Six months ago, I really thought I'd never get over it. I wanted her back, but I wasn't sure I could ever trust her again. Today, we have a happier, stronger marriage than ever before, and it's only getting better. We still have bad days, but there are SO few of them that it's completely worth the pain we had to go through to get here.<P>You and your H can build your marriage back up, but it will take work and effort. It will take commitment and strength. But it can be done.<P>You've made a great start by coming here. <P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<p>[This message has been edited by Lone Star (edited December 02, 1999).]

Hi Lacee-<P>I read your post and can't seem to kep my fingers off these keys. I have so many different thoughts running through my head and I want to share some of them with you.<P>First of all-welcome-and please stay and post! To repeat what others have already said-I too have learned much from the betrayers here. Where we can't get answers from our spouses-maybe they don't have the answers or maybe they aren't willing to share for whatever reasons-it helps a great deal to learn through those who have walked in the same shoes. I would love to kill my H's OW-mostly because she killed me. My story is a long one-and I don't know if I feel up to repeating it tonight but feel free to look back on my posts and read. As she was supposedly a very very good friend of mine-one whom I did many things with both as individuals and as families I feel doubly betrayed-and it hurts. I was told by my H 6 months ago yesterday and while I have gotten over the initial shock there are so many things that will prevent it from ever leaving my mind and allowing me to heal completely. I despise the fact that she was able to lure him into her clutches and I despise the fact that our friendship meant less than her screwing my H did.<P>OK-enough of that.<P>Secondly-you spoke of the treatment you get from your H at times. You spoke of the way your life has been that makes you somewhat feel as though you deserved to betray. Might I say that I can relate? I was married three weeks after I turned eighteen. My ex was a fine man when I first met him but for whatever reasons he turned to drugs and alcohol. This then changed his entire personality. I stayed married to the man for 13 years-and he mentally abused me the entire time. even if I asked him how his day was he used it as grounds for a good fight. I begged and peaded with him to love me-to work on our marriage and to tell me what was bothering him. Not once would he even think about talking or trying to work things out. Anyhow-what I was wanting to say here was that I don't think you are justifying your actions-I think you are trying to tell yourself that you have a right to happiness and YES you do!! I will probably get a whole lot of flack for saying this but you do deserve to be happy. The important thing is that you realize you need to go about it the right way. While I believe the most important step is to try and make a marriage work let me say from my experiences that it takes TWO and often they just don't work out! It is important for you to do what is best for yourself as well as what is best for your spouse and possible children involved.<P>I am sorry I am rambling. Today has been a long depressing day for me and I let it get to me.<P>I inivite you to stick around and share anything that can be of help to anyone!!!!!<P><BR>HUGS<P> <BR><P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<BR>"Loyalty Is A Two Way Street"<BR>