Help!I am new to forum and would like to share my story and I seek advice. I have been married for 18 years. I have 2 children 14 & 16. About 6 years ago I began to pursue a career and become educated. I worked full time, and took classes at night part time. I needed a high grade point average, and I admit I neglected my husband. Currently I work almost full time and go to school full time. I will be done with school in dec. Last <BR>Nov. I was Very surprised when my husband asked me for a divorce. Later I found some x rated correspondence from a woman which he had saved.Later, I found out that he had been <BR>speaking to woman on a e-mail service. IN Jan <BR>he moved out for a few days,but he moved back in saying that he missed us.I told him ,he could come back if he would stop telling woman he was seperated, which is what he had been doing even before he moved out.Since then evidently he has been talking to only one woman who I will call the ow.After he came back he got a cell phone. He thought the long distance was free,but it wasnt.THe bill was 180.00 dollars. He also arranged a business trip in her state and took her out to dinner, ( denies anything else). I bought dr Harleys book Surviving an Affair.BUt I am so angry because he will not stop talking to her aand, he will not give me his pass word.Today I called the ow for the first time long distance.She knew exactly who I am. I asked if she knew he was married, and she hung up. I know everytime I bring her up my husband gets mad,I am so angry I cant stop lecturing him on how much he is hurting me.Any advice,prayers would be appreciated. <P>------------------<BR>

Have you tried to sit down with your H and talk honestly about what could have led him to this woman? I'm thinking he may have felt needs being unmet by your being out of the house quite a bit. I don't think that's a good excuse for him to use since he could have sat you down and discussed his discontent.<P>I'm really not one to offer good advise since I'm fairly new to this as well. I hope for the best for you.<P>This forum is my only outlet (I haven't told friends/family) and it helps get me through some low points as well as little steps forward.<P>God Bless.

If you've read SAA, you already have the basics. You need to be in Plan A now. Demanding that he quit contact is a LB and can easily backfire. Besides, if he wants to contact her, he will.<P>A really good post on Plan A: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html</A> <P>Hang in there!!!<BR>Kathi

Bethn,<P>Your husband is playing with fire and is already being seduced by the highly addictive drug of infidelity. Some comments:<P>1. You guys need counseling. <P>2. You are very likely correct that your neglect of your H made his outside relationship much more attractive - still he made a very bad choice to take that path. You <B>BOTH</B> contributed to this problem.<P>3. Your H is on a slippery slope where everything negative about you is magnified and everything about his OW is wonderful. Around here we call this "fantasyland". It isn't right and it isn't fair, but that's what you are up against.<P>4. Don't minimize the damage you have done. Neglecting the relationship for something else (in your case, school and work) puts your H way down on the priority list. That's a lonely place to be. He feels hurt by this, just as you feel hurt by his relationship with this OW.<P>5. Think long and hard about your priorities. <B>Sometimes you really can't have it all</B>. There is a cost to anything you give up - a painful cost perhaps. But that doesn't change reality - something is going to give way. Right now it sounds like your relationship. Maybe you can still change that (no guarantee), but if you don't change something, I can predict the result. Again, maybe it isn't right or fair, but that seems to be the reality. You may be able to do this on your own, but a good counselor would increase the odds. <P>6. No amount of moral indignation will change this. And the longer he takes the infidelity drug, the less common sense, logic and reason will help. You need to do something <B>NOW</B><P>7. Keep reading here, and keep an open mind.<P>Its late, I'm tired and babbling. Hope you find something of value in there.

bethn,<BR>I have to say I agree 100% with what 2sad4words said. You probably have a time line that you want to work on in your schooling so you don't feel like the old lady in the work force. The point your at right now is you need to make the decision if the "career" your working towards at this breakneck pace is worth the destruction of your marriage.<BR>Yes, Dr. Harley's plans are good ones but I would suggest you study up on them again for both of your sakes. If you don't really understand what you've read come back here and ask. Obviously your not doing any depositing of love units by lovebusting him about the affair. He is still with you? Don't you see this as a sign that maybe he doesn't really want to leave? This is the small thread of hope you have and it's time to change the error of obsessing about something you have NO CONTROL over and going on to something you do have control over.<BR>Plan A may seem like some deep plan to work on your marriage but I feel it's actually a plan to work on yourself. Only you can determine what your good actions will be and what you will view and the important things you need to work on, that's why I view it as working on yourself. Think about how YOU would want YOU to act in a certain situation and using Dr. Harley's suggestions play out that part.<BR>Counselling helps as well. Take advantage of the plans that they might have available at the school and see if there's something there for couples. I know I get mine through school and it's been extremely helpful. <BR>Obviously you do have something to work with here. He's still at your house, he admits to having missed you and he's willing to try. There are other factors that you need to be aware of. Some people, myself included, view infidelity as an addiction and the withdrawal is from the source of the addiction, the OW. She doesn't just walk away from this and neither will your H. He needs to be aided in ridding himself of this addiction and with the LBing your doing you could just be pushing him right back into her arms. Take the time before you speak to understand what exactly you want to say and if your comments are worth speaking and then talk. I'm not saying you can't be honest but there is more than one way to say something and have it's meaning spoken but not inflicted.<BR>Hope these tips help you and I pray you take the time necessary to repair this marriage. God Bless!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Plan A does mean that you negotiate a break with the OW. Demanding is an LB, but stating your position clearly as to his breaking it off with her is not. I told my husband that I did not think we could adequately work on our marriage with her in the picture. That she would be a distraction for both of us, and that to really take an objective look at me I thought he should distance himself from her. I also acknowledged that it was his choice, and I couldn't force him to do it. (By the way this affair was an EA over the internet as well, and I read the shocking sex filled email as well.) Then I set about avoiding the lovebusters and trying to meet his needs. In there I also concentrated on doing things for myself to try and avoid the clinginess something like this tends to bring on. In my case he broke contact without having to resort to plan B. (losing the computer helped. It was borrowed to begin with) Oh another parallel...He rang up 200 dollars in long distance charges to her. It took me 3 months to pay the bill because I was so enraged at the fact that some of my hard earned cash was going to pay for his affair.