Hello friends,<P>I have been mainly lurking, not having a whole lot of enlightenment to give to anyone these days. Here is my update...<P>I filed for divorce today. In the past 8 weeks it just happened...the last of the love just died. The affair is still ongoing...13+ months now. Jim's lover, Chris, is moving to Atlanta. They bought a houseboat on a nearby lake to live on. He has brought her up from FL almost every weekend since Christmas and has taken her around many of our mutual friends. He squires her around like they are married and I don't exist. He did not honor our PlanB agreement and still popped in over here whenever he wanted. <P>I just woke up one day and it was all gone for me. I had been praying for a while to the Holy Spirit to put peace and happiness back in my heart and one day I just woke up and it was there. It was totally amazing at how my attitude towards Jim and our marriage did a 180 degree turn. I just didn't care anymore..about him or about saving the marriage.<P>In the past 13 months, Jim never did one thing to work toward out marriage. He did attend one marriage counselling session. The counselor advised him to put his relationship with Chris on hold while he explored whether he thought he could make it work with me. Jim refused and that was the extent of his counselling sessions. He moved out 7/5/99 and came home for one brief reconciliation of 2 1/2 weeks, during which he never stopped his affair with Chris. He considers these two things as "trying" and I certainly do not. <P>I have been in ongoing weekly and now every other week counselling sessions. I counselled with Steve Harley, too, whom I consider to be excellent for marital issues. I know we could have been a successful couple, if Jim would have gone to either the first counselor or if he would have ever talked to Steve. However, he chose to do neither.<P>I crashed and burned during the Christmas holidays, when he ignored all of us - me and the kids - and everything has been uphill since then. He has almost no contact with the kids. He continues to do things that I consider emotionally abusive. Any chance he can get, he tries to let me know about him and Chris and any plans. I just cut off any thing he tries to say in that respect. I also stopped opening any mail that looks like it has the potential to hurt me - joint bills that we are in the process of separating. He has no compunction at all about using our joint accounts to charge his trips, meals out and gifts for her, so I can later see the particulars on the bill. I just don't open any of those, now, and am in the process of getting my own credit cards.<P>He came by today and made me wait an hour past our scheduled time for me to serve the papers to him. He was somewhat snippy to me today. We have completed the property settlement and that went amicably. It took us three meetings to work it out, but we were able to do so without mediation. We are filing with one attorney (my attorney) and splitting the costs. <P>I am doing well through all of this. I am saddened that we will not be a success story. I had difficulty accepting "failure" here (Distressed....take notes!). I am most tenacious in all aspects of my life. I don't like to lose....not competition per se (although that ,too)....more on a personal level. I truly believe that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to do. It is only a matter of determination, planning and acquiring the education and skills to succeed, backed up by a large crate of elbow grease. So, this past year plus, I have been determined, planned, educated myself, acquired new skills and worked my fanny off. Yet, here I am...still getting divorced. Hard to reconcile... yet...reality.<P>My heart feels peace about it all. I wanted to have my family and marriage restored. I wanted to help Jim so much. I truly wanted his happiness. He was a fantastic husband to me before all this. I was truly happy, because he loved and needed me and I was so willing to lovingly give to him and take care of all his needs I possibly could. Then my Dad had the stroke and our lives together disintegrated from that point on. <P>I see now that we had a very lopsided relationship...one that consisted of me giving and Jim taking. Our relationship was not sustainabale when I was no longer able to give at the "zenith" level, because of my Dad's stroke. Chris will have to work triple time to keep Jim happy and meet all his needs, and she may still fall behind.<P>I am really doing AOK. I am happy because I see resolution to "this fine mess, Ollie!" I am trying to view the opportunity here...for me to continue to grow as a person, to find a more balanced relationship that can stand the trials and tribulations of time - the joys and the sorrows, and to open myself to trusting and loving again.<P>This ordeal almost destroyed me as a person. I lost so much self-confidence it was truly unbelievable. I bottomed out. My entire personality changed. I went from outgoing, trusting and gregarious to morose, unsure of everything and quiet. I was just flat. I have regained virtually all of myself back. I go around with my normal smile on my face, and laugh and joke with friends and acquaintances. I have been "welcomed back" by countless people who know me, lately. The peace and happiness in my heart has affected my outward demeanor in a most positive way.<P>Look out world, I am back and I want to experince life and love in the fullest of ways! <P>Desiree<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Desiree,<P>So sorry this happen for you. But you do sound like your head is clear. This is pretty much the same thing I went through with Carol. <P>The sad part is that I see her still acting the same. I was thinking today as I was returning from work, would I take her back if she asked me to ? I would have to say no.<P>I have nothing left for her. I don't find what she has turned into or what she may actually always had been as attractive now. I guess I thought I could change her or someway make her happy. Now I know she never will be happy.<P>I feel bad for her when the newness wears off this relationship, and then she will be back in the same boat she was with me, but she wouldn't even have the kids.<P>Keep on counseling and journaling it is a benefit.<P>I'll keep you in my prayers.<P>{{{{{{{{{{Desiree}}}}}}}}}}<P><BR>God Bless<P>Bob<P><P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

Out of lurkdom I come to say how sorry I am... this sucks.<P>I'm sorry he's hurt you, I'm sorry you have to go through this, I'm sorry he's being an idiot, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...<P>Just blech!<P>~Sheryl

Hi Desiree,<P> I'm so sorry for the crap you went through, but wow do you sound GOOD!What's that saying about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?<P> It's amazing what one person can do to your self confidence and sense of self(been there!)...I am so glad that you have risen above it and see that it is HIS problem and not you at all.<P>Please keep posting and let us know what's going on....it's encouraging to read "success" stories(yes, you are a success, your H isn't)....take care, LU

Desiree,<BR>First you didn't lose, Jim did. You can't lose when you did everthing you were suppose to. you didn't lose because you worked on yurself. There is no failure for you you won. You won yourself back from the hurt and pain that had brought you don't. <P>You followed the Harley principles because as the book says you win either way. You have the knowledge that you did everything possible. You gave it your all and my twin if that isn't winning I don't know what is.<P> Again Jim is the loser he lost you because of his choices. I think he is still to far into fantasyland to realize this but one day he will. But it will be too late. <P>You know I am here for you at all times. I am so glad you are feeling so good about yourself. And that is what counts!!!!!! <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi Desiree,<P>You are truly an inspiration! Thanks so much for keeping us updated. I've been wondering about and thinking of you a lot lately. I TOTALLY agree with Diana. You DID NOT lose; it is Jim who lost. And, boy did he lose!! You deserve so much more than a lopsided relationship. One way or another, everything happens for a reason. I know you will go on to have a very happy and fulfilling life. And, I have no doubt whatsoever that you will soon meet the man of your dreams. And, that my friend, will be a very lucky guy!!!!!!!!!

Desiree, <BR>So sorry to hear, but you have learned so much, you have grown, you are and will continue to be a true lady and wonderful person. I really wish there was a forum for those of us who love Harleys principles, but for whatever reason did not work for us. It would be great to have a place to go to for those that have divorced to talk, using MB principles..take care!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Desiree, <P>First and foremost, YOU are a success story. Your marriage may have died. But, you looked adversity square in the eye and fought the good fight. You have nothing to be ashamed of at all. You lived with no regrets for trying to heal your marriage. YOU did not fail at marriage - Jim did. <P>You have been given peace, a rare attribute reserved for those who have done all they can according to God's will. What a blessing that is. <P>I suppose I feel sorry for your husband. I'm sorry that he wasn't able to rise out of the pit of darkness to see the gift that God put by his side so many years ago. That is his loss. One that I know he'll come to regret. <BR>It's unfortuate it that Jim wasn't capable of standing by your side when you needed him most. A real man would have been there for you and comforted you during the trying times. <P>You're going to be OK Desiree. Blessed is the man who cathes your eye for he will have a lady whose worth is far greater than rubies, emeralds, and diamonds. You're a treasure!<P>God bless you Desiree.<P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

<B>Bob,</B><P>Thanks for thinking of me. Yes, there are definitely parallels between Jim's behavior and Carol's. I, too, feel sorry for them. There has been no growth or acknowledgement of the need to grow or improve.<P>No, I do no think Jim and I could ever get back together. I have zero feelings for him. I don't feel anger or bitterness...these are not normal parts of my personality. Yet, I do have some resentments that I am still working through. Like you, I have a hard time accepting his rejecting not only me, but also the kids.<P>Count me as another 44 y.o. single one (a comment on your earlier thread about age!). I have to tell you, I have not met one single person in their 40's yet! We must be a rare species! Thanks for the hugs, too. Back at you!<P><B>Sheryl,</B><P>No emails from you lately ...thanks for coming out of lurkdom to share a "blech!" HAHA! At least I got my sense of humor back. Thanks for your care and concern in the midst of all that is happening with you. I'm thinking of you, Oh Ms. Most Humorous!!! <P><B>Lu,</B><P>Thanks for reminding me that I am not a loser. Really, I do know that...I was more referring to the situation. Yes, I too am astounded at how much faith and trust I had put into Jim and how devastating this has been for me. You are right that one person should not be able to destroy our self-esteem like that. One more thing to work on in my ongoing therapy! <P><B>Twin,</B><P>Girl, you ALWAYS have the perfect words for my head and my heart!!! Yes, I am a winner because I have fought back to regain myself from the hurt and pain. Yes, I am definitely feeling good about myself again. Through all of this my "womanhood" was devastated the most. I kept thinking something must be wrong with me that Jim doesn't want me. I am well over those feelings. Of course I had improvements to make, and am still tackling those. I am a life-time learner in everything that I do and I will never be satisfied and keep on working towards my personal best. So you see...I will continue to need your friendship, support and guidance, Twin!!!! <P><B>sidney, </B><P>You and your H are in my prayers...I am praying for the best health outcome! Of course, your marital recovery is a part of my daily prayers, too. Thanks for all the emails and personal support you have been giving me. I really do feel this strong, sidney! Hey, I hope I find this wonderful guy soon...! HAHA!<P><B>Sue,</B><P>Yes, I am following in your footsteps. it would be great to have a support place for us who do end up divorced, although we followed Harley. I know for 100% certain that I will apply all that I have learned in my next relationship. Also, I would not hesitate to call Steve Harley about anything in a future relationship that might give me worry or concern. I do believe in all that I learned here. Too bad Jim didn't learn anything.<P><B>David,</B><P>Well, of all these posts...yours made me cry. They are tears of happiness. Isn't this what each of us want...to be considered special by that certain someone whom we consider special? My middle son came to me a few weeks ago and said, "Mom, the guy who ends up with you will be the luckiest man on this earth...he will be getting a real treasure!" See why your post touched my heart? I feel the same way about you, David. Your wife has a knight in shining armour!!!! Truly, I am so very happy that my prayers for your marital recovery, along with so many others' prayers, have been answered. My fervent wish is that marital recovery would happen for everyone here, but it just doesn't.<P>God bless all, Desiree<P><P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Desiree,<P>What can I say that hasn't been said. <P>It's not as hard to figure this anymore. Like you I crashed during x-mas when Robin left to go to LRBs. My Dad was right when he sais "Son, you need to move on. For some reason that woman doesn't love you anymore."<P>I had hoped that he was wrong, but like everyother time in my life he knew. I am glad that I did try to do what Steve told me, moreover it helped me get to this point that I'm finding myself. I am so much better as a person now, hell you know that. I have no regrets concerning my actions, and I know you don't either. We not only survived this but we have thrived as individuals, in spite of this adversity. It sounds like your Son is a chip off the old block, God his mom's wisdom.<P>You know what I'm trying to say.<P>Love Ya,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Desiree,<P>It is great to see the "veterans" you've known all along reply to you... <P>It makes me happy to know that you have so much support.<P>I too give you my whole-hearted support.<BR>Like Bill... you have found <B>your</B> time to be the success of being a better person.<P>So many have move into this stage...<BR>RWD... Sue... Nancy... Mitzi... Bill...<BR>This is a natural result of growth!<BR>It's important to remember... you are not at just and "end"... there is a "beginning" here to...<P>You have all my Love and admiration... <P>I will think of you often and check your posts!<P>Prayers my friend... <P>Jim/NSR

RMA,<P>As you may remember, I finialized things back in Dec., let everyone here know. You posted and I remember. Thanks. Right back at ya ! <P>One thing that is hard for some of the folks here (esp. the newbies), is to understand where posters like us are at. I know, I was new at one time ! <P>Previous posters are correct, we did succeed. Why? Because we didn't give up on who we are. We exhausted all avenues to maintain our values, our marriages. Once you we are satisfied with the effort, it becomes time. The divorce is not filed out of vengence, hurt or to manipulate. It is filed because it is simply time. Right? <P>Only we can know when that is. We decide. The gift is knowing that we can endure and suffer to maintain that which is most important... our values, ourselves. We made the decision to fight, we also make the decision to surrender. In my opinion, the divorce is a signal for surrender, not of ourselves, but to lay down the swords. Most folks who don't get to the point you gotten to, see divorce as the opposite. The divorce is the <I>begininng of the fight</I>. To me that's a little counter productive . You succeeded because you fought <B>for</B> something not <B>against</B> something. That's why we are successful. That's why this place works even if we can't save our marriages. <P>I will tell you that after the D, there was a very cool period between XW and I. Now, things are pretty OK, believe it or not. I don't hate her, I don't love her. I care what happens to her but it's no longer my responsibilty. I don't want to punish her, it's just not important anymore. Yeah, there's still some hurt there, but it little more than an occassional reminder now. I thought I forgave her before, it was premature. I think what I am going through now is that process. I don't know if you can really forgive someone if you're still allowing them to hurt you. I think you have to get to the acceptance part before you can forgive. The gifts just keep coming when you do what is right in you're heart. Truley forgiving him, will be another gift. In his life, will he be able to realize such gifts? I would submit; NO. Quite the opposite, I think. He'll most likely have to struggle and re-learn who he is, when you sacrifice so much, you question yourself. RMA, I am sure that is not work that you will have to do. You're on solid ground. You been there and you done that. My prayers are with you and in a happy way. Many blessings are still in store .<P>Take care,<BR>Eric

I am so sorry to hear that it has come to this. We all know that you tried....we all know the pain involved in that.<P>I am nowhere near where you are....wished I was. I am happy...but a different kind of "happy". I miss him...but I don't. But I have moved on......guess I was moving on since the day of discovery....but sometimes in the wrong direction. But I found the map...changed direction and has been somewhat smooth sailing...with only a few detours.<P>Yes I still hurt...I would be lying if I told anyone I am completely over him. But I have learned to accept that that will take some more time. Different for everyone.<P>We are strong RMA...we are going to make it.....and one day we will simply look back and wonder what all the pain was about. How we could have let someone hurt us so bad.<P>Good luck.....you sound so good....you are an inspiration to me. <P>Nancy

<B>Bill,</B><P>Your Dad is a wise man. Isn't it amazing how everyone can see us and our situations clearly, BUT us??? Yes, I know what you are trying to say. I can only say this...I must be a slow learner....it has taken me 13+ months to get where you have gotten in less than half the time. But, I will agree with what someone on this forum posted yesterday....women who move forward seldom come back without a miracle and that is probably true in my case. I will never have a relationship with Jim, again. I feel fairly certain of that. What wonderful thing did Abbey say or do today?<P>Luv ya, too, friend!!<P><B>Jim,</B><P>How are you feeling? How are the blood sugar levels? Do take care of yourself, friend. You are much too important to so many of us to let yourself get sick for any period of time. I guess you too will be joining the rest of us int he ranks of divorce. Are you feeling any sense of peace about it, Jim? I don't mean throwing the towel in and giving up; I just mean a sense of peace that if things don't work out, you will know in your heart that you can accept and move on. <P>I do wish that for you...if it is not going to happen that your marriage is restored, that you can accept and find love and happiness at another time. I think of you daily and wish you and the kids the very best!! I appreciate your love and admiration, and know that it returns to you two-fold from me! <P><B>Eric,</B><P>How nice of you to remember me and respond. Yes, I remember the day you got divorced and was thinking of you that day and posted asking how you were. Mid-December, if my fried brain serves me well. I have followed your other posts since then, but there have not been too many. I remember the ones about her inviting to to the New Year's party and then sort of univiting you. You seemed to have done a really better job of accepting the divorce after that particular fiasco.<P>I can really relate to what you posted to me, Eric. I do feel like all along I fought for my marriage and not against Jim in any kind of way. I know I did alot of things wrong, and Steve Harley helped to show me what those were in accordance with the Harley principles (thinking I was helping when in fact I was not!). Yet, I never felt hate for Jim at all, except once - when I crashed and burned at Christmas. God knows I felt hate for both Jim and Chris at that time. Yet, it seemed to me that at that point I hit bottom and had nowhere to go but up. I did the best I could. All along I thought I was being a great wife. I have learned alot and know I can be an even greater partner to the next man in my life. One thing is for certain, I will continue to work very hard to keep learning as I know I would never want to experience any of this again! <P>I appreciate your thoughts and experiences on forgiving. I have some room to go in that department. I am harboring some resentments about the kids who are being ignored. I still have more personal work and growth to do, but certainly do feel grounded as you point out.<P>You sound really wonderful, yourself, Eric. May the blessings you ask for me also touch you and yours..... <P><B>Nancy,</B><P>You have travelled a much harder road than me, so don't beat yourself up about not being where I am now. I have continued to follow the saga related to the custody of your kids, the bills he isn't paying, the Mustang, etc. Your troubles and woes have far surpassed my own. In perspective, there is always someone whose suffering exceeds our own. <P>Despite all that has happened to you and continues to happen to you, you continue to fight for what is right, what is fair, what is best and are doing so with much diginity. I admire you for trying to put your girls and their needs first in this most horrible ordeal. Time will help all of us, Nancy. We will never forget, but the improtance of these events in our daily lives will definitely diminish in time, as they are replaced by happier and more fulfilling events. Keep the faith, Nancy. Happier times are surely in your future!<P>Thank you to each and everyone who has prayed with me and for me.....Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>