I am 52, my H is 56. We have been married since 1993, been together since 1989. Since we met, I have worked over 100 miles from home, staying in a travel trailer 4 nights a week and at home 3 nights. I blame our apartness for part of the cause of the affair. Another part was my temporary disinterest in sex...that has been corrected by hormone replacement therapy. VIVA LA TESTOSTERONE!!<P>Discovery was 12/24/99. I had been feeling less and less comfortable with his friendship with the OW, both face time and online. She would also IM with me and was asking increasingly private and personal questions about my H and our marriage and about his family. I finally asked my H about it after we went to bed Christmas Eve (on an airmattress on my mother's living room floor) Because of the location, I could not/would not rage like I wanted to when he admitted the physical affair. I was forced to control my anger. He held me tenderly while I cried quietly, and told me "I have never stopped loving you." We talked all night,and, finally, made love just before dawn. I really feel that having to hold down our voices and emotions enabled us to talk rationally instead of angrily. <P> Christmas Day we started a 3 hour drive home. Shortly afterward, he said "you have always been my best friend. I wish I could talk to that friend now, but I don't want to hurt you." Well, of course, I sucked up my bravery and told him to go for it. As the story of his affair spilled out, one of the first things I realized was that he was quite depressed in spite of the fact that he was taking Prozac. I convinced him to go see his Dr who changed his antidepressant and suggested counseling for him. My H was very open with the Dr, telling him that he felt some of the depression was due to the affair and his guilt over it and that he could not seem to bring himself to end it. He started counseling the next week. We have been up and down since. He resists the no contact rule, and I do not feel that Plan B is appropriate for us. We have had too much apartness in our marriage already.<P> I retire March 24. The OW is as scared as I am sure, that when I am at home all the time, the affair will die. This week, she is really pushing his buttons, trying to make him decide to leave me. This he has promised me he will not do, not now any way. He cannot/will not promise forever now, but he has promised he will stay through April and tht he will tell me after that if he is thinking or leaving (before he makes up his mind) We are going to a marriage encounter in Dallas that has been recommended by his counselor, she thinks it will be a big help to us. That is March 25 and 26. OW knows about that, too. I hope she is so scared she pees her pants, but in reality, she is tougher than that. If you want to know exactly how the affair progressed, read Dr. Harley's description in HNHN. She has not read the book, my H told her tath the progress of the affair was exactly like the book, so she brags about her 'textbook affair.' <P>In ways, not using the no contact rule has been beneficial for us...he has not lived with her and was seeing only her 'good' side. Since he has told her that he wants to try to mend our marriage and remain her friend only, he has seen more of the side of here that I see. She tries to control him through his fears and insecurties...things like "I will start seeing someone if you don't want me anymore." Someone being a person he doesn't like who is known for using women. OR, yesterday, "the brakes went out on my car, when I get a chance to look at it, the lines better not be cut!" (thank goodness, I was with him all day and we were 100 miles from home!) Either I or her H are probably going to get blamed. She filed for a divorce a couple of weeks ago, but is still living with her H. She told my H, "There is no hurry to leave as long as you are still with Cat." But she likes to imply that her H may get violent at any time. Lots of buttons to push. My H is crazy, not STUPID. He sees what she is doing. Sometimes he chooses to go along with what she wants but he is not as in her control as she thinks. She has told him that 'when' he lives with her, she will not ALLOW him to have women friends like I did. That if he slips up even once and does anything to make her think he is being unfaithful, he is 'history.' She says to him that no woman could forgive him like I say that I have done. (And that she is a woman, so she would know) I am thankful that he knows that I do NOT lie to him and that she does. She has also told him that if she decides to have an affair 'when' they are together, she is so good at deception that he will never know about it. Now that really makes him want to move right in, doesn't it? hehehe He has told me that he cannot envision living with someone he would never be able to trust. (Yes, he admits he is a hypocrit. )<P> So, right now, we are doing our version of Plan A, his addiction is still alive, but he is beginning to see it as an addiction instead of 'real' love. OW is getting desperate and the harder she pushes, the more he backs away. I am trying to be a supportive, loving wife. Sometimes, as his best friend, I point out some of her errors or ploys. He is accepting of this and does not seem to resent it or rush to her defense. He does still like talking to his 'best friend.' He is reading HNHN, too, and has really taken to heart the part about giving affection and conversation to your wife before and after sex. I can't wait till he gets to chapter 13!! Hope he takes to that one, too. <p>[This message has been edited by nobeswax (edited March 15, 2000).]

nbw,<P>Sounds like you are doing a bang-up job of plan A and as long as it works for you and your H then more power to you. <BR>It also sounds like the OW is doing her job of showing your H what a fantasy life the affair was (good for her- she deserves a pat on the back for that one).<BR>Just wanted to send my well wishes to you and your H. God Bless and many prayers to you and yours. I hope your retirement does the trick for all of you.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

nobeswax,<BR>Sounds like your doing well in Plan A. Whoever said that because Plan A he decides to not leave OW means to move directly to plan B. You don't really plan b until you think Plan A isn't working at all. I wouldn't worry so much about it right now, just keep taking those little baby steps towards recovery and you'll do fine! <BR>Bless you!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Keep up your plan A and don't give up! Let the OW self destruct!! It sounds like you are on the right track at least, don't give up!! Prayers are with you, Dana<BR>

Nicole, Dana, Bren, thanks for responding. I had needed to tell my story to someone. Since my H is still at home, we are not telling anyone about our problems. I am sure some know or think they know that we have trouble, but I do not want all the "dirty details" known and talked about among our family and friends. <P>Pray for us today, my H is getting very near the "no contact" point, IMO. He is having a face to face with her this afternoon and I am hopeful that he will do it then, altho he has not made any promises about that to me.<P>Thanks again, everyone.<P>------------------<BR>Cat<P>I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

Cat,<P>Prayers are being sent your way.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Cat and H}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Well, he didn't do it. He still isn't able to try the 'no contact' stuff. <P>He did talk to her about it and told her that he was thinking of doing it to see if he really was just addicted to her. Of course she loved that!! He said she told him that it wasn't FAIR if I got to see and talk to him and she didn't. Like it was FAIR to me when she was seducing my husband and I didn't know anything about it. GRRRRR I told him that the next time he talks to her he should tell her that it is OUR marriage, not hers and that WE will be the ones to decide how we want to try to save it. I could really learn to hate this woman. <P>Other than that, he says that he is even more sure that he wants to work on saving our marriage and that he would NOT want to live with her if we were divorced. So, some good and some bad today. And, next week he is going to come with me to where I work and spend the week here before we go to Dallas. After that I am retired and at home all the time! Things will get better then, we both believe that.<P>------------------<BR>Cat<P>I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.<P>[This message has been edited by nobeswax (edited March 15, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by nobeswax (edited March 15, 2000).]

Hurray for you! Things sound good. I would say to you that you can be the same way you want her to be, that your not involved in their "affair" any more than she should be involved in your marriage! You know what your doing! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!