Update: H and I started to date Christmas time. Things were going well for us. OW was still paging him and stopping by his place (we are still seperated). H told me that affair was over.<P>Then two weeks ago, H who use to call at least 3 times a day, started calling once. No visits on the weekends (had to work). I got this funny feeling. Thursday, I asked him if he was still seeing OW, he said sometimes. I asked if they were still intimate, he got furious. Answered that question. I was/am hurt, mad, confused. I feel like such a fool, falling for this again. I haven't been handeling this very well. <P>Here's the bad part. I had to get things off my chest last night. So when he calls, he asks me what's wrong. I try to explain to him. He goes off (mad). During the conversation/fight (he was yelling, I wasn't) he says he wants a divorce. He asked me if I was going to file. I really don't know what to do. A part of me could file right now and not look back. But there's another side of me, that's just not sure what to do. <P>I am so confussed. How do I know that he was just saying that out of anger and not because that is what he really wants. He has asked me to be patient. Don't you think 9 months is pretty patient? Somebody please help me, what do I do? How do I handle this? I can't sleep, eat, I can't think clearly. Help me!! <P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them!<BR>Viki<p>[This message has been edited by Viki (edited March 15, 2000).]

Viki,<P>I am hurting for you right now. I am so sorry to hear that things are so bad. I wish I could tell you what to do but I am not sure. I don't think you should file. The fact that he asked if you would is a possible sign that he isn't ready to do it. <BR>Maybe Plan B is the way it should go for right now. Maybe if you weren't there meeting the needs that OW isn't meeting he may realize what a big part of his life he would be missing without you. Just a thought...<P><BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{VIKI}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{VIKI}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited March 15, 2000).]

Vicki,<P>So sorry you are having to go through this right now. <P>If you can not go on like this but not sure what to do maybe try plan B. It will give you time to regain your balance and have your H see what life would be like on his own without you. Most importantly you can work on yourself and pamper yourself.<P>

It sounds like Plan B may be the way to go after 9 months and he is not making any attempts to have no contact with OW.

You guys might be right. It's just so hard to think that I will have to go there. It always seemed like such a last resort to me. I really wish my head would clear so I could think straight. Thanks for the replys, you are the best.<P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them!<BR>Viki

Viki,<BR>I am so sorry...I have no real good advise for you. You are not a fool....who wouldn't do what you have done. You love your Husband and you thought everything would work its way out.<P>I think you had every right to question his relationship with the OW. And he had no right getting mad. But he did...so now you have to deal with that. The pain, the frustration, the anger, the confusion. Dealing with that is the hard part. First of all...take a step back and take some deep breaths. I agree, that plan B is needed. Believe it or not...plan B really is a life saver when you feel the way you do right now. I wished that I would have done it alot sooner. My marriage is over. But it would have saved me months of grief...unnecessary grief. <P>It will get better.....with or without him. Once you quit hearing that voice....you know the one......that makes you ache inside....makes you cry yourself to sleep. It really does help to disconnect yourself from him. It doesn't mean that you have to stop loving him.....it means that you have to learn to love and respect yourself.<P>It will be hard...but we are here for you. I and many others will help...the best we can. We are all here....some have been there...some are just starting....but we are all the same. We have all felt that pain you are describing...the frustration.....the guilt....the anger.<P>Nancy

One of the best pieces of advice I have ever been given is : When you don't know what to do, don't do anything! Nothing has to be decided immediately. It doesn't sound like you want to file for divorce at this time, so don't unless you know in your heart that is what you want to do. Many things are said and done in anger. Slow down and give yourself all the time you need to make a rational decision that is best for you.

Thanks for the advice. I know you are right, but Plan B sounds so final to me. I did speak to H last night, first time since "the phone call". He told me that he misses me and that he loves me. <BR>I have at least made a decision on what I want. I want my marriage. There's that old saying, if it's worth having, it's worth working for.<P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them!<BR>Viki

Viki,<P>Do check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>...and...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A> posts that I reference on the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post...<P>...for more thoughts on staying in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> or moving to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>!<P>Prayers to you...<BR>... and a Happy St. Patty's Day!<P> <P>Jim