My H and I have been getting along so well lately and I can't help but to worry about it (but don't want to ruin it either). We had a great relationship in the past and it feels that way again. He has to still be hurting from my betrail but shows nothing but love towards me. It is like nothing happened. Is he bottling it up? I don't want to bring it up or ask him 'to talk' because I know that he doesn't want to be reminded. I feel that he'd rather just shut it out and get on with life. He is really understanding but why isn't he reacting in ways that other betrayed men have? I think I am expressing my love for him and know that he is believing me when I say that it is over and I won't leave (loosing me again is his biggest fear). Some of the trust is coming back - I can tell. I don't ever worry that he will just someday blow up at me - is he too good to be true?<P>In feeling really loved after I crushed his world by telling him that I had an affair doesn't make me feel 'sneaky' at all. I don't think that "Oh - I got away with it and he didn't really care". I don't think this way and want to NEVER do this again. How can our marriage feel STRONG enough all of the time to stop my 'wondering'?<P>He is so amazing that I'd be crazy to give up the love that we have within our marriage. How can this be when I only ended the affair a few months ago?

hi brynn,<P>My advice to you is this: honey, be happy he's being so forgiving, but keep your eyes open for signs of depression or anger that seems repressed. Consider counseling for yourself alone to work on your "reasons" for the affair, and/or seek marriage counseling for both of you. <P>My H has said the words, "I forgive you" one time in the six months since the affair ended. He "took them back" by saying he could never forgive me, not ever. How I would love to have him treat me with love and respect. He can't. Or, he won't. It doesn't matter because all there is here at our house in pain and anguish right now. <P>Consider yourself blessed!! Thank God, and thank your H often for being such a good guy, and tell him often how much you love him!<P>You're doing great!<P>------------------<BR>The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.<BR>-Carl Rogers<BR><p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited December 02, 1999).]

New Beginning: Thanks for you words. Tonight my H read a letter that I wrote to him and he thanked me for what I said. I asked him if he was happy and he said yes...but that he is still dealing with things. I told him that I wanted to know how he is feeling more often but he said that he didn't want to 'know' anymore of what went on or how I felt about the OM. He also ended the conversation by saying that time heals things. I guess I can take that as a possitive thing.<P>Just one day at a time.<BR>Brynn

Sheryl's right, Brynn. Take the love he is giving you and double it right back to him!<P>But, his emotions and hurt will show at some point, so be ready and supportive when they do.<P>You're doing fine. Keep on working on you and that marriage. <P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

Back to the top for more responses for Brynn!<P>------------------<BR>The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.<BR>-Carl Rogers<BR>

brynn,<P>It sounds as if you are really trying. However, one statement sent up a flag. It was "I asked him if he was happy and he said yes...but that he is still dealing with things. I told him that I wanted to know how<BR>he is feeling more often but he said that he didn't want to 'know' anymore of what went on or how I felt about the OM."<P>I think you need to realize that while he may not want to talk about the affair and its details, he made need to talk to you about how he feels and how he is dealing with things. You did a very good thing by asking him, but don't let him pull away. He will need help processing. Make sure that he understands that you will honestly answer any questions, and your offer was for you and he to talk about his feeling and reactions to you and the affair.<P>It sounded like he was confused as to what you were offering him. Have you told him about the other affairs yet? Are you going to? Honesty, is what is required here. As for why you do these things, you do need to find the reason for it. Is it some need, that you don't realize and then someone fills ? I don't know but please try to find out.<P>You are right to worry about his reaction although different people take things differently. Does you H have some self-esteem issues? I ask this because on another post, a W who betrayed her H was worried because the H was not really reacting like she thought. It seems that people with self-esteem issues frequently take the whole blame for the affair rather than the giving the betrayer their fair share of it. <P>This is not a real good thing either because it leads to depression and other issues.<P>brynn, you have hurt your H terribly as you know. Please do your best to make it right and love him.<P>God Bless You and Your H.

Brynn,<BR> Your situation sounds similar to mine. I, too was the betrayer. My H lovingly decided to forgive me and we are doing our best everyday to make things work. The difference in our situations is this: H is willing to talk and wishes to discuss the issues frequently while I would rather remain bottled up most of the time. <BR> I feel so horrible everytime we discuss it, and even when we don't (in fact feeling horrible about myself is now a new exciting hobby of mine >:P ) He asks questions that I feel are difficult to answer - I don't want to cause anymore hurt than I already have. <BR> Also, we share similarities in that our H's seem to be "taking this all too well." For quite some time, I worried that he would just get to thinking about everything and decide to leave me or that he'd have an affair to one up me. Childish thinking on my part (I'm famous for it). It's like you wonder if and how much is boiling under the surface - if he's thinking about it all when you're being intimate, or when you kiss him goobye, or just antime at all. <BR> I'm sorry that I have no advice to offer - I feel I am the last person to be doing that right now - but I can say that I empathise (spelling?) with you. It's good to see I'm not the only one out there who feels this way. Oh, and I, too am extremely remorseful for my actions.<P>Sincerely,<BR>Khyra <BR>

Khyra,<P>Your H is probably thinking about it alot. However, he obviously needs to talk about it to understand what happened. For example in you history, you stated he did not want you to begin stripping and but he supported you as best he could. Then you say he really wasn't pay attention or something along those lines. He is probably still trying to see what he could have done to prevent this from happening.<P>As you can imagine that while he is grateful that you are back and he has been willing to make great sacrifices to get you back, he still has little faith that you will not do something like that again. The trust comes from talking to you and understanding what happened. It takes time Khyra. Just plain old time. <P>If you want to know if he is thinking about when you are being intimate, ask him. I would be surprised if he doesn't think about this often and is very hurt. But he have may of reached the conclusion that he cannot change the past and is dealing with it as best he can.<P>If you can read His Needs/Her Needs and see where you can help him. He will need to build up confidence in you and perhaps the best way is for you to be doing things for him. It will also help you with the feeling of worthlessness you mentioned in the other post. Once you are helping him, you will find it easier to begin the process of healing that you must go through.<P>Keep posting. There many here who can help with the various aspects of this. Educate yourself about affairs and the needs of people and you will come to understand yourself and your H.<P>Good Luck and God Bless

Dear Just Learning,<P>Hubby purchased the book you mentioned (the "Bible" so to speak). On your encouragement, I will pick it up and read some more. Hopefully there will be some good ideas of more actions I can take to make H know how much I love him and need him in my life. Thanks,<P><BR>Khyra

In my case I was the same way, I did keep it bottled up for awhile but in my case it caught up with me and in the beginning it was like it used to be a 2nd honeymoon so to speak but for me it ended and then I had to face the pain I had felt for so long and so did he.<P>Just be there for him if that happens. He has been there for you I am sure, now it would be your turn. I hope you are up to it and if you are you will come out ahead in the end and your marriage can be stronger for having gone through this believe it or not. <P>Genie