What if the sneaky OP is using all of the MB principles to try to take away my H (and I must say she is doing a good job since he moved out)<P>She spends a lot of time with him at work. I talk with him briefly about kids and see him when he gets the children.<P>What if I wasn't really such a bad wife after all, but she had incredible designs on my H and was able to pull it off because he is kindof naive and unsuspecting.<P>I mean you should have heard the things he complained about to me....very vague stuff. Things tha t i can't really do anything about....like I can't understand his work and she can...Well, I mean really.<P>I'm really getting suspicious aren't I???

Tootrusting,<BR>Sorry I don't see you as suspicious but maybe a little on edge. But other than that perfectly normal. I think it's reasonable to want to spend more time with your H to figure out what his "Vague" replies really mean and ask him to get to the nitty gritty reason he feels his behavior is acceptable.<BR>The other thing I would point out to you is that it doesn't matter what kind of behavior the OW does. Your no more tied to her actions than you are to your next door neighbor. You only have one person that you should be responsible to, yourself! Some people would say Plan A was created not only for the benefit of your marriage but used to work yourself into a goal of your own. It makes you stop and think about "HOW" you would like to react to things and how you as a person would like to see things. I would take a few minutes to review the Plan A and think about it. <BR>Anyhow, I hope your feeling better and don't let the OW get to you! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

tootrusting,<P>I know the feeling. Sometimes I wonder if OW is seeing if I am posting here. She has been trying to keep track of my online activities. Guess I am paranoid.<P>

<P>Maybe she is actually trying to use the MB principles but I doubt it. She is doing what anyone does when they go after someone. I know the OW did everything in her power to get my H, she flirted and listened to him and asked him for his opinions and a few other things that I won't write about. <P>I guess that is the problem and the bases for the MB principles. Now I am not saying the MB principles are based on what she did but the main things was she met his needs I didn't <P>Once we get married thing come into play-resposibllities, children finances you know the real world stuff. That is why we say our spouses are in fantasyland. Without responsibilites the OW can do all the things for our Hs that we did when we were dating and maybe in the begining of the marriage. <P>Even though it has been a long time since my H and I dated I can remember all the things that I did. I hung on to every word he said I made him feel important. I addressed every need he had and he did mine. I bult up his self esteem. That is what she is doing now building him up. <P>I know it is hard to do plan A when you hardly see him, but there is a way. I have been doing plan A long distance since I found the MB. For five months I had no contact with my H. So how did I do it. I send him cards and letters. No love ones but card that said I miss you (friendly ones) card of encouragement that said I will always be there for you and letters that told him things that were happening but I always ended them with I care I miss you and I love you. Nothing romantic just telling him I would be there for him that I thought he was important things like that.<P>I guess I started the little notes the begining of Oct. by Nov. he had contacted his parents for the first time since he left, then he contacted his children (adults) He made plans to see me when I took our son to the doctor (read profile) They always seem to fall through but at least he tried. Then all of a sudden in Jan he started calling me once a week. Yes it was to talk about selling our house but it has been on the market since Aug. I moved again and he tried for three days to talk to me just to get my address. During this time he talked to his mother and our daughter all he had to do was ask either one. BUt he called me now he has written me a letter (you can read about it on my post I posted about it last Friday.) <P>I am long winded but anyway it is working for me. Maybe it is something you can try. But don't espect results over night. Think how long it has been for me. I doubt that I will hear from him again for awhile but I won't give up hope I will continue doing what I have done all along. <P>Now that I have written a novel for which I am sorry. I just wanted you to know wha some of your options are and to answer your question which I hope I did. <P>------------------<BR>di<P><p>[This message has been edited by SDS (edited March 16, 2000).]

Tootrusting,<P>Hi. What makes you think this? Does she know of the site? If so, that is sneaky, but remember, you are the one with more history, memories and sacrifices to him. She can Plan A all she wants but for her to do it is more like a sneaky little ploy.<P>When you do it , its to save your marriage. Does your H know of the site? See I didn't dare show mine at the time, because then he would know my strategy and I'd lose my privacy as well.<P>Don't stress over it, she is not married to him yet and these principles are for the married couple. She is a fool, and she'll get what she deserves sooner or later.<P>I would suggest concentrate on you and forget her actions right now. You'll just stress out over it too much.<P>Good luck, Dana<BR>

Hello again, <P>I know that I posted above that I felt the same way at times, but one improtant thing to remember is that you are practicing the MB principles out of true love. If OP is practicing them it will eventually catch up to OP because since he/she is obsessed and infatuated with S and will not be able to play that game forever. Your S in time would notice the difference. At least I would hope so.<P>In reality I doubt that OP is thinking of such things. They really don't know our S's like we do. I am sure OW in my case is bad mouthing me which is a big LB. My H started talking to OW online at first and since H was mad at me at the time he told OW lots of bad things about me that I am sure he regrets, but OW is working on these things alone and probably does not have the smarts to do it the right way, if there is a right way to break up a marriage. If your H shows any feelings toward you, it will show up in his relationship with OW without him even telling her. She will get nervous and start LBing real bad. At least I hope. Still kinda paranoid here, but I have tons of hope.<P><BR>Good luck and hang in there.<P>Pam

Me again <P>I just had to say I love your name, tootrusting. That was my problem when H came home last time, I was too trusting as to his whereabouts. Just wanted to add that in.<P>Have a good day!

If this OW really has strong designs on your H, how pitiful. If it weren't so disgusting I'd feel sad. Most of all, though, I just wanted to express appreciation for the comments here. The OW for me was 18 years old when the EA began ... as you can imagine, her attention and flattery pump up a 35-year-old guy's ego like mad. I try to tell myself that she's too young and naive to realize what she's doing. <P>At any rate, it's so easy for a guy to find all kinds of little faults with his W when he's gotten the addiction -- the OW seems perfect. Just remember that almost always these things are like shooting stars ... they burn out relatively quickly (my H's EA has been going on since last April or so, but since D-Day it has had its ins & outs and, I'm trusting, will eventually flicker out for good -- seems like a very long time, of course, but compared to seven years of marriage ...). <P>"Slow and steady wins the race"

Your post really made me think. When I was in the affair and very depressed over what I was doing, I read every thing I could get my hands on about adultery. I also went to therapy. This is what gave me the strength to end the affair. If you don't know my story, I was an OW who did end the affair. The man I was involved with and I didn't see each other for a year and a half. At that time he did leave and contact me, but he had no way of knowing if I would even be available because we had had absolutely no contact at all. Back to your post. I did read MB while I was still involved with him. I saw right away that our top needs were met very much by each other. I knew what his needs were before I even asked him about it. He and I did to the EN survey. I have no way of knowing if he did it with his wife but I assume he did since they did counsel with MB. I guess my point is that I didn't use MB principles to try and get him away from his W. But I think we both did see how compatible we were without even having to work at it. Also I do think that an OW could use the MB principles in a negative way. Having your needs met, espeically if they have never been met or not for a long time is a very powerful thing. Even if there is a history with the W, it would be very hard to give up. You have to trust that your W will be able to do it and you are not sure. But you know for sure about the OW. I'm just describing how I know my fiance felt. I think he would never have been able to separate from me if I hadn't done it but I insisted. It was the hardest thing I ever did. So I think it is something to think about. Do you have any reason to think the OW might have read MB or know about the site? <P>In the time we were apart I renewed my connection with my church and I do feel I did the right thing in walking away from him. I also feel he has a valid reason to divorce which is not about me at all. Cheating is always wrong and a sin but there can be reasons for divorce. When he contacted me again, he had already filed for divorce. He knew I would never have even talked to him otherwise.<P>Just some thoughts because I do think that some OW might use the MB ideas and it would be smart to know it if they were.<P>Del

Thanks for all of your replys. I don't know if the OW is using MB principles, but I know she is manipulative and unfortunately my H is extremely naive. <P>Chick's reply helps. I know that I am only responsible for myself. <P>Also, I was not a bad wife. My h has some other issues, depression being one of them. She is definately meeting some of his needs, but not necessarily in a healthy way. I guess if he wants it to continue, he will lose out on my love and the true love of his children.<P>My H comes from a close family and has a pretty strong value system. Everyone has urged him to slow down because he doesn't seem to know what he is doing. I think he has slowed down.<P>I don't know where it will go. It won't go anywhere good if he contiues to work with the OP (and he is not willing to give her up yet). And it won't go well if he lives away from me for too long. (because I will make a life of my own)<P>I facillate between thinking that He, maybe this is Mrs. right for him. That she is his soulmate and doesn't he have a right to be trully happy. <P>Then I remind myself that a relationship based on lies and deceit and hurting so many people.... ONe that is based on getting, getting, getting, and not giving is not really love. <P>I do love my H. If he is too dumb to end up real;izing it it is his loss. <P>It is my loss too because he was a great H before he became this other alien person.<P>He just spent too much time with her, while I was at home with the chaotic household.<P>She was working it big time. <P>What a really sad pathetic situation. <P>Thank goodness for this site and people like youall!!!!!