OK folks it's whinin time again at the old homestead!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <P>It's only been 12 days since H moved out and<BR>(I know what your thinking,)<BR>"HERE SHE GOES AGAIN!! Let's click over to Recovery quick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"<P>I just feel soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo<BR>I don't know?<P>H came over to show me how he does the banking statement on computer so I said come alittle early for Supper.<P>I was like a girl on her first date,<BR>made his fav. dish and an extra one for him to take back to Apt. All most said home but this is home!!! Got all gussied up, cleaned house really good too.<P>He came in and spent all his time with ourD's<BR>Oldest came to dinner too.(she lives on campus)<BR>We sat down at table, (been a long time)<BR>But the whole time he was focused on them. <P>Showed me what he had to show me, was very patient. Asked if I had cut the lawn, I said twice already, but didn't weedeat at all,<BR>he said there are two of those in shed. Well I'm not doing it all! (I said in my head)<BR>He thanked me for dinner and the extra but didn't tell me it was good. Said he be back Sat. for D and I told him if the weathers nice he could work on the "GARDEN" (the one he insisted on before he left) and maybe weedeat..........<P>He said OK. Bye, no hug or anything just left.<P>Well at least I didn't cry this time but come on I was so up and then boom down time.<P>"I was jealous of my own kids, I should be jumping for joy with the attention he's giving them but I was upset(didnot show it) that he paid no attention to me.<P> How pathetic is that! God I miss him but it's just so strange when he comes, it's like two friendly strangers.......<P>I know I'm being a whiney babie, but hey if I can't whine here where can I whine? <P>WHADDA MEAN IN DETROIT?????????????<P>Just how in the heck do you people do this all the time?<BR>I want him home so badly and I want him to miss me just as much, The counselor said with the length of his affair ,(6 yrs.) that he has probably establish a realtionship with OW and that he probly won't be coming home. <P>Do I shake myself and realize that that is true or do I continue on with my false hope in that he'll see the error of his ways and that his realtionship with her isn't what it's all cracked up to be?<P>What a state I'm in, no not Detroit! <P>Guess I just needed to carry on a (little) <BR>long bit. Thanks for reading now I will return you to the Recovery section.LOL <P> <P>------------------<BR>Peg

OK Peg,<P>I don't know you on this board, and this is really hard for me given what you've written.<P>First, I believe totally that each of us must do whatever it takes to save our marriages. I know for sure that most marriages survive affairs - the statistics are very strongly along those lines. And, I believe that those marriages that do not survive affairs don't primarily because we, the betrayed, don't do the things necessary to save the marriage. It's not fair that we should have to bust our [censored]*s to save our marriages when our spouses are the ones who dumped on us - but that is indeed the way it has to be. Some people just can't handle kissing up for so long when we've done nothing wrong. It's really backwards, but it works.<P>So, how do we do it? I can only tell you that in my case I know for sure that my wife love me dearly, even though in the past four months she's done everything possible to convince me that not only does she not love me, but she has never loved me. That's a bunch of solid stincky bull sh**. She love me dearly, and has recently told me so. As my mom says, sometimes we believe what we hear far more than what we really know. I have stuck this thing out by reminding myself daily that my wife is really ill - intoxicated by a drug that she doesn't even know that she's on. I wouldn't abandon my child if they were in this situation, and I'm not going to abandon my spouse. I love her and she loves me. I'll do whatever it takes, even if it means that I kiss up for years until she gets off the drug.<P>Now, having said that, your situation is very unique compared to most of us on this board. Is there a chance you can save a marriage that has been the subject of an affair for 6 years - yes, of course. The good news is that he stayed with you all of those years while it was going on. The question is why did he stay all that time and keep another woman. I'm praying that the answer is not your kids. If it is, and they are six years older, then even I (sorry) would advise you to move on very quickly and find some happiness in life without him. I'm really sorry. I have never said that to anyone on this site. <P>On the other hand, it may be that there is another reason he stayed. You!. He won't be able to admit this at this time. And, if he's been with the same other woman for six years then you will need to come to terms with the fact the he surely loves her dearly also. And, you can't force him to decide - this is not a three or four month affair, this is a serious second relationship. <P>Your counselor may be absolutely right - even though I hope not. God I hate this. But it's your life, not his. You love him, and can't imagine giving that up. Then don't, but that doesn't mean that you can't move on with your life. Ironically, that is exactly what might indeed save your marrige in the longrun. Move on! See other men. Look absolutely stunning. Be happy in building a life without him, without filing for divorce. If he sees that "YOU", then just maybe he will come back. But, if he never sees it, the at least you will be fulfilled and happy.<P>I'm really sorry for the position I've taken here, but I've vowed to be totally straight with anyone on this site. It's for the best.<P>SamH

Peggy...<P>You're still counting the days he left...<BR>Me too... 201 days for me...<P>You know what that means...<BR>...you still love him<BR>...there is enough of a reserve of love units in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> you have for him!<P>How long that will last...<BR>...as he chips away at it with all his negative actions towards you is unknown.<P>My W too... still remains adamently angry at me... and I know she is deliberately trying to take those love units away (wants me to "realize" her soulmate is "real" and "lifelong".)<P>I'd say keep to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> for a while longer...<BR>...in some ways it becomes easier with less contact... but definitely makes meeting his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> very difficult.<P>In time (it happens to everyone) the love units are lost... and then consider <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>.<P>Reread my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>...and...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/20000110-1-011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A> posts that I mentioned back in January on your first few posts.<P>Prayers to you for strength through <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... and when your time for <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> comes... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 16, 2000).]

Peggy yes 6 years is a long time. But SO WHAT! My H (before marriage) has his other relationship for 4 years. But in the end, he chose me, married me! Yes, I still get a little sick when I think of those longevity of it all. When I first found out, I kicked his [censored] out, and he went right to her. I refused all contact for 2 months. Yeah, he went to her, but who wouldn't go to the person that didn't reject them, and fed their ego, he thought that he could continue on, but it wasn't as easy as he thought it would be just because he had her their. Husband started making contact something like 6 weeks later, leaving me vm at my job how he just wanted to hear my voice. Sending me flowers, buying my favorite candy, emailing mail saying how he would just like to see me. I ignored it all for a few weeks. You see, the fantasy was wearing thin, and he was realizing that, I am not an easy woman to forget! = Of course we had our back-slides but now FINALLY we are dealing with issues that we should have dealt with long ago. It isn't easy and I get scared at times, thinking I am setting myself up for another disappointment, but hey I'm a strong survivor and I WILL get my happiness I DESERVE. With husband would be TERRIFIC, but if not then hell, LOOK OUT MEN, cause a GREAT LADY MAY BE ON HER WAY OUT THERE SOMEDAY!! = gee i sound confident today, wish I could bottle it and make a few million!!!

Peg,<BR>I hear your pain and know how difficult this is. Over time the pain will lesson. What you need to do is not allow yourself to stay down in the pit. You have to start making yourself the best you can be. You have only two choices, stay in the pit or dig your way out. It's going to take time. Find a friend that you can talk to that will support you 100% but not trash your h. Get your hair cut and colored, buy some new underclothes, take a class that you have always wanted to take, go to a Bible study, pray, pray, pray. Hugs during the tough days ahead.