Hi there<BR>I am so glad i found this forum because i am beginning to think there is nothing left for me or H we have been married for twelve years. we have two children aged nine and six my H is 40 and i am 36.<P>last st patricks day my sister told me she heard a rumour that my H was having an affair. i was devastated but decided to to confront him and he denied it. The next day I made enquiries of my own and found out where OW worked and went there to confront her, she denied it and told me she was too busy to talk to me and to take a look at myself. I dont know how I left that place without punching her but I left albeit in a daze. I went to my sisters and my H rang me to say that he wanted to talk to me, he confessed to having an affair with her for three months but had finished with her because he knew it was wrong even though he found it very hard, she was crying and told him she felt like commiting suicide. He had finished with her in mid jan and this was march 19th <P>I was and still am just devasted by this, every day I wake up and wish it was a bad dream that would go away. The past that sickened me most is she was only twenty and he was thirty nine and I felt he had just thrown me over for a younger version. He cried when he told me and said how sorry he was and he felt really sick and depressed because of what he had done, but he also said he hadn't been happy for a long time prior to the affair. he said he blamed himself for everything and I didn't deserve what he had done and he still loved me that is why he finished with her but he wasn't in love with me like the early years of our marriage<P>He said I pushed him away and wouldn't let him near me either emotianally or physically and I have to admit to being at fault for this. After we were married about 3 yrs I put on a lot of weight I was 9st getting married and over the last nine years have put on 4 stone extra, not a pretty sight. I was very concious of how awful I looked but never could get the weight off after trying every diet there was, but looking back now i just didn't have the motivation.<P>I wouldn't take my clothes off in front of him and sex was very rare because I had no intrest in him or sex so gradually we drifted apart but this may seem mad but I never thought he would have an affair how wrong and stupid i was. when i found out i just went to pieces and have not been the same happy easygoing person i was. i am bitter and angry towards him most of the time constantly making snide remarks to him about the affair. <P>I think the reason I started putting on so much weight was out of lonliness because he had started working at a local nightlcub and he was working four nights per week thurs-sun so i just sat at home eating junk food and drinking beer and piling on the weight. He met her at this nightclub and would leave her home to her rented house, having sex with her and sneaking into our house at all hours of the morning. i knew nothing about it because he would sleep in my sons room on nights he worked in the club so as not to disturb us coming in and to get a better lie on at weekends how convenient i made it for him. I think he was disgusted by me by this stage and didn't want to sleep with me anyway.<P>He told me every sordid detail about the affair except about the sex bits of course but he did tell me he had sex with her sometimes twice a night and all in all about twelve times!!! what a lying, cheating, f;;;;; I could kill him for what he has done. We had nine months of counselling and it didn't do me much good or him for that matter. He told me he didn't love her but had he been with her any longer he would hav e been because he had very strong feelings for her i found this hard to take especially since everywhere we go not so much not but in the beginning she was there laughing at me and staring at us or just being a few feet away from us for the whole night. she would ring our house and then hang up this went on for a long time and even now if we go out for a night out and see her anywhere the phone will ring at all hours of the morning, we had the number changed 3 times.<P>My problem is i cannot forgive him, sometimes i just hate him so much and i just cant bring myself to put love units in his bank when i feel such contempt for him but in saying all that part of me still loves him and i just wish i could have my H of the early years back. I would dearly love to make my marriage wonderful but i cant seem to bring myself to show him any affection, he's not making any effort either but that's probably my fault. he has had no contact that i know of with her.<P>He gets really mad when I bring up the subject of the affair because I get on a roll and one question usually leads to twenty and I have asked all the same ones before i think its cos i dont trust him anymore. he says he wants to move forward and try to make our marriage better and he said i have built a wall around me and i wont let him through, well thats because she's sitting on that wall, i think i have become obsessed with her i cant bear to think of what they did together sexually it just eats away at me day in and day out and it cannot be good for me to carry on like this.<P>sex is non existant between us since this happened well nearly non existant and if it does happen its a quickie with no emotions attached. i dont want to have sex with him because i feel so angry inside but mostly because i think he is wishing it was her. he knows this and doesn't want sex either because he knows i will get upset and he doesn't feel comfortable and he said he is over her and doesn't want her he wants to work it out with me. why cant i believe him i think its because she's young and slim and attractive and i dont feel much of any of those things anymore.<P>i wonder if we seperated would these feelings of anger towards him go away, maybe its inevitable but whatever happens i cant go on feeling like this.<P>sorry for the length of this sorry saga but i had to tell my story to someone who knows what i am going through and maybe someone outthere can help me.<P>thanks for listning<P>gabe <P>------------------<BR>Gabe<p>[This message has been edited by gabriellec (edited April 21, 2000).]

Gabe<P>Welcome to the site. Sorry you have to be here under these conditions.<P>First I want to say that I believe your H truely loves you. <P>He could be with the "young and slim and attractive" bimbo if he wanted to. <P>But he's not! HE'S WITH YOU, because he loves you.<P>Second, if you continue treating him like this you will kill his love for you and you'll drive him to her or some other bimbo.<P>I think you know that or you be here on this site asking for help.<P>So, now what you need is to find a way to overcome the aversion you feel and get back into the "early years of our marriage" feeling.<P>It sounds like you might have read some of the concepts of Harley. Have you read very much? Have you bought the books and read them? If not, then do so immediately.<P>This holiday coming up is a great opportunity to renew your marriage. It sounds like that's what your H is hoping.<P>NSR will be along with the official welcome post. (he may be posting it as I write this) Click on the links and follow his advice. <P>If you have any questions, come here and ask them. Read everything on this site. There's some powerful healing in the Harley method. <P>Keo

Thanks Keo <BR>I really need to talk to someone and i do know he loves me but not in the way that he should and that hurts. I have made this past year pure hell for him i know that but sometimes i just cant help myself i want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me but then i feel sorry for what i have said like tonight. I rang him on his mobile ten minutes later and told him i was sorry for abusing him i dont mean to do it but this anger really takes over me and at the time i really feel like hurting him so much<P>thanks for your message, i appreciate it i need to have some guidance<P>gabe<P>------------------<BR>Gabe

Gabe<P>I totally understand what you are saying. <P>I have made the past 10 years pure hell for my H. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>sometimes i just cant help myself i want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me <P>the anger really takes over me and at the time i really feel like hurting him so much</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sometimes I do a perfect Plan A, then sometimes I turn into the raving b*tch from h*ll. <P>If I would have had the MB principals when it started and done the Plan A thing like I should, then H's EA would have died a natural death and we'd be the happy, healthy family of my dreams now.<P>Even now that I know all these facts I can't keep myself from turning into the raving "B from H" every now and then. It's hard to control emotions.<P>One thing I've done that helps... <P>Sometimes I pretend that I'm a actress playing a part in a movie. When I disconnect from the emotions, I can do a perfect Plan A. <P>OK, maybe it sounds crazy, but it keeps me from kicking his a$$ when he walks in the door. LOL<P>One thing I'm sure about. Our Husbands must really love us completely or they would have ran far and fast a long time ago. <P>You didn't answer about if you've read the Plan A and other information on this site. Also, you really need to get the book Surviving an Affair, by Harley. <P>If NSR don't post his welcome page with the links, I'll go find it and copy and paste it here for you.<P>His page has links to some pages you need to read. <P>Keo <P>

Hi Keo <BR>Thanks a lot for your reply<BR>I have read a lot of Dr Harleys stuff but I'm not altogether sure how to use the fourm or how to find stuff on it, so i would appreciate your help.<P>i dont think i,v read the plan A or B so i will try to find it.<BR>i,m off the the st patricks day parade now so talk to you later.<BR>again thanks so much<BR><P>------------------<BR>Gabe