I know I am fairly early in my situation. Maybe 2-3 months from discovery. My H is still in somewhat of a fantasy land, and he still works with OP. He is even trying to say that now he justs wants to work with her.<P>The problem is, she is meeting his needs, and I am not really able to. We spend very little time together. He is doing things with our two children, but avoiding me.<P>He really hasn't said too much about what the real problems are anyway. I haven't pressed much, because it appears to be a total LB. Even friends and family can't get anywhere when asking him what is going on.<P>Most of what he has said makes no real sense anyway.<P>I'm so depressed and I'm losing my hope, because I am not getting any needs met myself. My life changed so dramatically, as if a lightbulb went off and created total darkness.<P>I know I can't make anyone change or see things until they are ready. But it is so sad and frustrating. How can a person really believe it is right to be so selfish. That it is "true" to be doing what he is doing. Defending the OP whom he has known much less that half of the time that you have been together.<P>It seems like he has been brainwashed. That he feels like he can live like a single person, having all of his needs met at work, yet remain a part of his childrens lives while I simply stay home and take care of things. I'm very sad today. And I no longer know what to do to let him know that I love him in a way that is not too pushy.<P>Any ideas?????

To the top for Too Trusting....<P>I like you, feel like my h has been brainwashed! He is not the same man I knew 8 months ago. I discovered the affair on December 3, 1999. He has been living with the ow since Valentine's Day of all days!<P>The approach I have been taking with my husband is to just be a friend to him. I don't know if this will help in your situation. Is your h living with the ow also? Anyway, when my husband comes, I don't bring up any of the issues. I know that seems impossible to do! It may seem unhealthy too but right now, my main goal is to make him see that I am by far a better person than his trailer trash bimbo. I don't know if I will ever reach him. He is too busy having too much fun with the bimbo. He works with her also. I feel our situations are quite similar. It is very hard I know. <P>Right now, my h should have gotten to the trailer from work about an hour ago. He is with the bimbo. I am sitting here typing on this thing wondering why this is all happening. My boys are watching Cartoon Network. He is having his fun, I have to do the dishes. I have to make sure I read another chapter of Harry Potter to the boys for bedtime. Make sure we have some good conversation before going to sleep also. My h is with his bimbo and her 16 year old daughter pretending they are a family. Meanwhile, we, the forgotten family, sit here and wonder why. <P>I am feeling a little bitter today. I just found out yesterday that my h only has to pay $431 a month for child support. I make $600 a month. I need at least $1,600 a month to barely make ends meet. So far, he is paying the bills. SO FAR! He is off in fantasy land having his little fling with his new found love. His standard of living is going up up up! Mine is going down, down, down! I didn't even ask for any of this. I was just an innocent bystander. Yet, the boys and I are the ones who will suffer by far the most. Of course everyone tells me that someday my h will regret what he has done. Well, if he has a heart that may well be. I may see some regret already. But, it sure as heck doesn't help my kids and myself right now! <P>I am sorry! I went off on a tangent! I just can identify with you. It is so hard I know. I hope someone has better advice for you! <P>Woozy

Okay you guy, listen up. Now that I have your attention. I know it is hard and it all seem so bleak, but there is hope. <P> I think you both know my story but just a little refresher. D-Day was a year ago to day, he moved out on July 30,1999 no contact with anyone until Nov. when he called his parents. Slow he has started having contact with both of his children and finally on Feb 27 he saw his grandchildren. On Jan 17, he started calling me and a week and ahlf ago he wrote me a letter. <P>One whole year. That seems like a life time but it isn't. Since Nov I have seen progress, and I am very hopeful. I grant you it has been very hard and alot of those days I was very depressed. <P>WHat have I done. Well even though there was no real contact I would forward his mail to him. I started out by putting a sticky note on one just saying I care and I love you. Then I progressed to short busy letters. Nothing much then I put in cards of encouragement and those that said I miss you nothing lovey. I have kept this up all the time. It seems to be working.<BR>So given time they can eventually come around but it takes a long time.<BR> <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I wish I could tell you for certain that any one thing would work, but of course, every situation is different. In my case, discovery was September 5, 1999 and my H dumped me off 3,000 miles away to live with a stranger on October 3, 1999. He had started his affair in fantasy land at the beginning of August. I never gave up, even living 3,000 miles away I stayed in his face with telephone calls every day. Sometimes I think that if I had been more brave and told him to get the hell out when we were still together that he would have come back to me sooner because it would have forced him to FACE his fantasy land and see it for what it really was. We got back together On December 11 after a lot of back and forth via telephone and airplanes (physically, but he kept telling me the whole time that we were going to be back together and that he had broken up with the disgusting OW). He has since told me that as soon as he dumped me off in California and went back to Massachusetts and started seeing and sleeping with the OW that he discovered it to be the truly disgusting relationship that it really was. He missed me and started to see that the grass wasn't greener, but he felt trapped. <P>So, basically, I think sometimes you should just let them go and force them to see what they're doing in real life terms, instead of the fantasy land it is while they still have YOU at home to take care of them. But, I also don't believe that the no contact thing is a good idea because then you're out of mind too much. It's a hard call. <P>Mare

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Having done it to my wife I know how much pain you’re in. I myself acted like a child who wanted the best of both worlds and got it. Being selfish and trying to get your own way is the way a lot of men are, unfortunately. It seems like your husband is in a very comfortable situation. He gets to see the OW every day at work while you’re at home taking care of the kids and the house. I’m sure he feels in the back of his mind he can say I’m sorry and you’ll run back into his arms. I think it’s almost like a power trip sometimes. It certainly is an ego booster. I did the worst things imaginable to my wife mentally. When we talk about it now I can’t even believe what I did. It took her finally after many times of me playing yo yo games with her for her to say that is enough. She did something that completely shocked me, she went to the nightclub we met at 13 years earlier, picked up a guy and went home with him. She called me up after she got home crying and yelling at me telling me how terrible it was, while the OW was standing next to me. It bothered me, but not to the extent that it should have because it was such a terrible experience for her. The next night she went back to the bar, called me on her cell phone from the bar, and the OW answered the phone. This completely threw her and that’s all it took for some scumbag to weasle his way into having her spend the night with him. The next morning I tried to get a hold of her all morning and couldn’t. Finally, she called me just after leaving the guys house and told me how wonderful of a time she had, how wonderful HE was, and how great it was because I was yelling at her. That night the other woman came to my house right after I had talked to my wife again on the phone. I threw her on the bed trying to prove to myself that I wasn’t inadequate. But as I looked at her naked on the bed I realized that this was not what I wanted. That night, lying in bed, I got up several times and didn’t get to sleep until 5 in the morning, because all I could imagine was my wife looking into someone else’s eyes with the look of desire that she used to show me. It drove me completely crazy. The next day I asked her if I could go to California and get her. She said yes and we’ve been back together for over 3 months now. I have more love and respect for her than I ever did. There is no more lying in our relationship. What it may take is for your husband to realize that you are looking in someone else’s eyes. The hurt and the pain he may feel from that may kick him in the head enough to realize what he’s done. The funny thing was that it took me about a month and a half to get over the thing between my wife and that guy, but that was just one night. I had months with the OW. So, I can just imagine the pain my wife felt because of that. That is one thing I can never make up to her. All I can do is be the best man I can and the person that she knows I CAN be. Sometimes it’s hard reliving things every day, but I think it’s the only way you can get through things. You just can’t put it away in a closet. If you two do get back together, just remember that the truth is the only way you can get through everything. Remember right now, he’s in his little fantasy land, but once he realizes you’re not sitting back waiting, it will knock him into the real world. Again, I’m sorry for all the women and men who have to go through this when they are betrayed by their spouses, but believe in yourself and you will get through it. Never hide things, always keep things out in front.<P>Mare’s Husband<BR>