Just curious...<P>What things made the Wayward Spouses come back? <P>What could the "betrayed" and "dumped" spouses be doing to help the process along?<P>Success stories would be a great way to wrap up the work week. Tips, ideas, suggestions, etc. might help us all...<P>I know Plan A, Plan B, etc...but some more specific examples might help. Has anyone been successful playing "hard to get"?

My H and I are a definite success story! D was in Sept,we separated for 2 months from Oct-Dec while he decided if he still wanted to be married. While separated I made it very clear that I wouldn't wait forever for him to decide what he wanted. Mind you, I didn't LB or give ultimatums or even give him a deadline,I simply made the statement, all the while letting him know I loved him,supported him and wanted to work things out. I also told him that if I was going to parent three kids by myself 5 days a week that I was going to get support. I preceeded to go to Parents without Partners support group for separated,divorced and widowed parents. It's a pretty social based group. The first night I went(while H babysat)three men asked me if I dated. I told them "no" and proceeded to tell my H of my offers for dates when he asked how the meeting went.He was very concerned and asked if I was going back to more meetings. I told him I wasn't sure.It was not more than 1-2 weeks after this that he decided that he wanted his marriage and family and was willing to commit to us for good.My counselor said this in response to what I did.....We take loved ones so for granted. It's like a toy that a child has put away in their toybox for months even years untouched,then when another child finds that toy interesting and wants to play with it,suddenly it's the "that's my toy" response.Things of your own look more attractive when someone else wants them.

MTHRHBRD: I have seen a lot of responses similar to yours! It is surely a phenomenon! They want what someone else wants for some reason. <P>The only time my H seems to come around a little is when he sees me out..."lookin good" and knows other guys see that too.<P>OK friends...any other experiences! Maybe we will be able to document a REAL pattern from the board!

I think with my H, since I was his first sexual encounter, he never wanted to leave. He wanted to stay in the marriage and make it work. <P>He stopped the affair before I found out. He said that the felt that it needed to come to an end. (It took the OW to have a child supposelly from him to relize this.) He said that it was never a question as to if he would stay, but would I let him stay.<P>I felt that it was the unconditional love that he has for me and I for him. I never put him down, to him or anyone. I told him that I value my marriage vows, I forgave him and the OW.<P>Now two and 1/2 months, we have our ups and downs, but we are determine to work through it. <P>You have to want to make it work and your S has to want to make it work.<P>Hope this answer some of your questions.

I think that sometimes the WS's are on too much of a "high" to realize WHAT they want.<P>I have read about a lot of WS's on the board who "thought" they didn't want to make it work, but later realized they did.<P>OK...what was it that you magical people did to MAKE them realize that? Or should I say "gently help" them realize that. <P>I know some of you have tricks up your sleeve that have been proven to work over and over.<P>Fess up!!

I also have a success story. I asked my h to leave April 9, 1999, after he was caught seeing ow after he was supposed to be in no contact since March 1999. At that point, I was very uneducated about affairs, so I thought I needed to divorce my h and get on with my life. So my h and I discussed the divorce even made an agreement to the settlement. After h being out of the house for 2 weeks, he began calling me on my pager and leaving notes at our house. On my pager he would be crying and telling me how much he loved me and that he screwed up... He would tell me he loved me and he was sorry and he missed me. I didnt do much about it because I saw the tears before when I first caught him and he wasnt able to stop seeing ow.<BR> Then I bought the book SAA. For the first time i had a better understanding of what my h was going through, and for the first time, I actually had hope that our marriage could survive. I shared some of that book with my h,, (the addiction and withdrawal stuff, and how to break off an affair), and a couple other books... My h started telling me he did not want a divorce, maybe just a legal separation. Well, he had signed a lease on an appt. with ow, and I wasnt going to let him live with her and get his needs met by me also.. So I wrote him a plan B letter.. Told him I loved him, wanted our marriage, and would help him through the withdrawal. But I told him that I could not have him contacting me when he was still with ow, because it was too painful for me. H got the letter but still wanted to try to contact me.. He would try to come fix something at the house, mow the lawn,, anything to try to keep contact. <BR> Then I made a brave move, at the urging of my counselor and also would be in line with plan B. My h paged me crying again from our house while I was at work. It was the hardest thing to do, but he had asked me to call him there and I didnt.. He called again crying and I didnt respond. Hardest thing to ever do for a gal like me.. I am a very caring person,, everything in my body told me and urged me to call him,,, I fought it off.... Then the next day I changed my pager number so he could not page me any more.. Freaked him out worse.. He had tried to page me again and realized what I did.<P>He wrote me a letter at that point telling me about the bills and the lawn, and then he poured his heart out to me... He told me he wanted to come home.. He told me that he wanted what he had back.. <P>Well, I wanted to make sure that he was serious,, so in the note I did not even respond to his emotional part of the note,, acted like he didnt even write about it. I wrote him back and only responded about the lawn and bills...<BR>He panicked and wrote me again...... So Finally,,,,, I paged him and I told if and only if he was ready to make a serious effort toward ending it with ow, and repairing our marriage could he call me. I got the phone call I was praying for. He came over that night,, and we talked.. 3 days later while I was out of town on business to Chicago, my h moved home.. It was on June 8th,, our 3rd wedding anniversary.. It was 2 months almost exactly that we were seperated. <P>So in answer to your questions.. Plan B worked for me.. But it will only work if you are strong and stick to it.. If you give in they will be able to see through it..<P>Another thing I think was beneficial to our recovery. Although it pains me to think that my h lived with ow, and I allowed him to get closer to her that way.. (It was dangerous).. the one good thing that came out of it was the fact that my h will never wonder if ow and him could have been happy. My h got to experience what his life would be like with out me and with ow.. and along with that all the pain the stigma and the problems that would have went along with a relationship with ow. In his fantasy land,, he could only dream of how it could be etc....... Once he had a true taste of reality,, it woke him up.<P>I do want to say that even after my h moved back home on June 8th, he did suffer on and off with withdrawal and had some contact with ow over the appt lease, deposit, rent, etc.. This caused him to go through withdrawal longer and it was a really rough time for me. I started to see progress with my h finally in Sept.. but it wasnt until the end of Nov., that my h was through withdrawal enough that I knew he was gonna make it...<P><p>[This message has been edited by mickey65 (edited March 19, 2000).]

Does ignoring their phone calls, acting like you are getting on with your life, and being a "fun" person to be around work?<P>Just curious...<P>It seems like this is a pattern with other people I know who are going through this. The less one spouse tries, the more the other one does. Like a teeter-totter.<P>Any other experiences???