I find it intersting that I read these posts almost everyday and I do not see much written (or i am unaware of some self stories) by betrayers themselves. I find that I myself am on a rollercoaster 24/7 and depressed and suspicious and fight constantly with the urge to make contact with the OP. I feel funny (almost) in posting to the betrayed with advice(is that wrong) when I really have no business saying anything to anyone when i cannot keep my own s*** together.<P>Do most betrayers not want help? Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. <P>We are moving 200 miles away to try and save our marriage. My H asks me "what is to stop you from finding someone else once we move?" Intersting question. Is moving so soon after an affair the answer or should self control be used in the current situation first? <P>I feel confuse today, my writing is confusing and i apologize. Right now I happen to be on the bottom side of the rollarcoaster. <P>If any betrayers care to comment i would appreciate it. <BR>Thank you.

Mercy,<P>I am a betrayer who had a very serious year-long EA with someone I had a good and decent friendship with for many years. I've been reading this board for over a year. At first I did go ahead and post a few times just to vent but I dont much anymore because I dont feel I can be of much help. Like you I am still tempted to contact the OM quite often but it has gotten less tempting lately. Also I feel like it is very hard on betrayed spouses when betrayers post anything because they are all hurting so badly. <P>I am so discouraged to still be struggling with feelings after a year since I confessed. My husband has been trying to treat me better and did fill out the EN questionaire and read the Harley material but I still feel like my heart is torn in two. I think you are so lucky to be moving away. The truth is that I have slipped and contacted OM even as recently as last month but each time he has made it clear that he does not want anything to do with me anymore. And all it does is make me feel bad. <P>I really want to be in love with my husband again and I am hopeful that we will be eventually. At least we are getting along and communicating better. So that is my sad story. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. As far as your husband wondering if you will have another affair after you move, maybe you could tell him that you couldn't cause that much pain twice... I dont know. Just focus on the positve part... at least you ended the affair. <P> <P> <P> <P><BR>

Mercy: I am a betrayer and have been posting here for awhile. What do you want to know? I post here so maybe I can help those betrayed understand the mind of this betrayer. Each individual has their own reason(s) for their actions as I am sure you know. I realize what I did was not the answer to the dysfunction of my marriage. However, at the time, I believed it was my only way to get what I thought I needed. We are human and humans do make mistakes. The difference is who learns from those mistakes and does their best to ensure that it does not happen again. But...if it does, it does not make us less of a person, just a confused one. There are issues for whatever reason we cannot clear-up, fix, communicate, whatever that causes us to look(intentionally/unintentionally)for someone/something to help us get through. I have heard several folks in here liken an affair to an addiction. It's what makes us feel good and who would not want to feel good. Sadly, that addiction is at the expense of others right to feel good. I don't have the answers to help those betrayed. All I can say is that I am truly sorry for your hurt. Mercy: Please feel free to ask me questions or express your concerns. I am pretty much open.

I'm going to put on my MB student hat and try out some stuff I've learned here. I guess the answer to that question is that the two of you will be working together to improve the marriage. If the marriage is improved and the needs that weren't being met before are being met now, there is a good chance that you will NOT find someone else. If the original cause of the affair, the unmet needs, are eliminated, the temptation to look elsewhere simply will not exist.<P>Of course, I'm struggling about whether I believe that 100 % (I'm an emotional betrayer), but that's what I've learned is supposed to be how it works.<P>(JL, K, did I get that right?)

I am the betrayer and I understand your rollercoaster ride. <P>I do post (mostly because I love to give advice) and because I do feel I can give some insight to what the betrayed spouses may be feeling.<P>So while you are "outnumbered" you aren't alone by any means.<P>Post, you will get great advice and support. <P>About moving.. that is a tough one, I can understand how it would feel you are just "running away" from the problem. And as you ask "what happens when you move"<P>I don't have the answer to that, but I think your marriage needs to be strong before adding the stress of moving, unless you have great jobs/house/schools all lined up.<P>But don't be afraid to post!<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Cat<P>catfrommb@yahoo.com

Hi Mercy-<P>I am the <B>betrayed </B> and just wanted to make a comment.<P>I think your feelings are normal-and one of my biggest problems when H told me of his PA was that he said there were <B>NOT</B> any feelings for the OW. That would be geat to know except I got pretty upset not only haring about his affair but thinking "who is this loving caring person that I thought I knew". I can't imagine just having an affair for the physical side of it. But then thats my humble opinion.<P>And................I tell you I have wanted to move away from here so very bad. It is murder on me to run into the OW and her family. Everyone says you can't run from your troubles-which I believe-but moving in order to have the space to heal is another thing.<P>You don't sound like you are sure about whether or not you want to try and work on your marriage. I hope that you do what is right for all those included-but you must do whatever your heart tells you to do.<P>Best wishes for prompt recovery when you move <P>[This message has been edited by fallen_angel (edited March 17, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by fallen_angel (edited March 17, 2000).]

Mercy,<P>I was a betrayer too. I've been here on MB since December. I use to post regularly, but for the last month or so I've lurked here and there. The fact that you are trying says alot! That your love is most definetely there, but it has been buried. Either by hurt pain and negelect and/or the fantasy of the A. <P>You must first love you before you can truly love anyone else. I've been learning to love ME more and more everyday. <P>You are in my prayers<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by jamie-lee (edited March 17, 2000).]

Mercy,<P>I just wanted to reply with some insights of my own.<P>Unfortunately I have been on BOTH sides of this awful situation. I have been both betrayer and betrayed. Both sides are filled with pain and devastating consequences.<P>When I was younger (and a LOT DUMBER) I had an affair on my first W. It devastated her and ended our marriage. Then my current/second W had an affair on me last year just 2 months after our wedding (although we dated/knew each other for years). Now a year later, we are doing well and have worked hard to make the relationship right.<P>But I wanted to say that betrayers and the betrayed here can help provide insight to each other. Last year while trying to understand the female perspective of my betraying W, I got a lot of great help/feedback from another betraying W on this board. (Thanks RJR!) Even though I understood how an affair could happen, it helped to get the opposite sex's viewpoint(s).<P>One word of wisdom to "betrayers", after experiencing both sides, being betrayed is FAR MORE painful that being the betrayer. I have felt (and continue to feel) the pain of regret for causing so much heartache & pain to my first W (and destroying our marriage & friendship) for years and years, but it so much worse to have it happen TO you! You just can't fathom the depth of the pain unless you've had it done to you too. The old saying of what comes around goes around certainly played true in my life.<P>Sad to say I now have even more regret and sadness for what I did to my first W since I have had "the shoe on the other foot". You do have to live with the guilt of your actions as a betrayer (for those of us with a conscience). But living with that "on guard", "I don't want to get broad-sided again", "not being able to trust 100%" feeling is even tougher! I mean my W has done and continues to do everything to reassure me she is back and fully committed to us. And I have learned to trust her again. But it is just isn't the same as before, nor will it ever. There will always be that little nagging feeling there that pops up in certain situations and makes you go "is there anything wrong here", "what am I missing"??<P>That bugs me more than the pain and regret of my mistakes with my first W. Maybe it is because I feel like, while I do feel the constant regret, there really is nothing I can do to change the past. But now a yar later, I still feel that nagging doubt and tiny bit of insecurity in the area of trust, and dang it, it should be something I can do something about! But yet I can not. Perhaps it is yet another punishment for my former mistake.<P>-knifed<BR>

The Beginning:<P>Due to unmet emotional needs, I had an emotional affair two years ago that was "almost" physical. At that time this man was married(we were all friends). After I spilled the beans to my H, and OM "dumped" me, it "was over". We spent two yers trying to get over this. Many good changes came about. BUT, I was not over OM! He stopped and talked to me at the car wash. I was elated. <P>One month later, OM and I resumed the affiar and made it physical. BAM! I was h*** bent on destruction.( i guess) <P>Do I want to work on this marriage you ask, UMMM, sometimes. I am still here. I feel some days it is not going to be worth the fix. I have told my H if it wasn't for our children, I wouldn't be here, but I do know that I love my husband. <P>The temptation to call or see OM is definetly overwhelming. Somedays it is bad others not. I just find something to do instead of fall into temptaiton.<P>Also, what I find very difficult is depositing love units towards someone that I feel angry at all the time. I don't know why I feel so angry and aggravated at him but I sure do. <P>Fantasy about the OM is definetly a hang up. I suppose all this will go away someday. Unfortunatley, withdrawl now is so hard what will it be like when we move?<P>Anyhow, thanks for all of your insight and comments, they do help a lot.

I am both betrayed and betrayer.<P>I posted beginning last August, on the heels of my affair ending, and years after my H's 2 emotional with oral sex affairs, and 1 emotional only affair. Then my H betrayed me again in January, and took it further than the others and slept with her.<P>My life is hell on earth, and I rarely post anymore, as I am far too bitter and/or sad to offer much hope. That isn't fair... I have good days and bad ones... but it's been very, very hard.<P>~Sheryl<p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited March 17, 2000).]

Hi, mercy.<P>I had an affair and my husband has also just recently (although his was not emotional or nearly as long as mine), but we both love one another completely, and are committed to working it out. It's tough at times, but you set that resolve, and you treck on..<P>I used to feel exactly the same way as you do. I was angry and irritated at my husband for everything, even my parents noticed it. My friends did too, always asking why I was so agitated around him. <P>All I can say is I'm now very happy with my husband, and that's because we have both chosen happiness. We are sticking it out, and we make time for one another, dates and stuff we did when we first dated. Things have to be new ya know? We don't ever take one another for granted anymore, it's something that has to be practiced, but it works. <P>Just remember that your marriage is worth it. Those behaviors can be changed on both ends for the better. <P>

Forgot one thing:<P>We live in a town that is soooooooo small, my children are friends with his child AND I see OM at the store, library, loaf n jug, grocery store, bank, post office and simply by driving into town! (that is all the businesses in town <BR>We do feel the move is definetly in order to begin healing OR it simply will never work, for me or for my H.<P>New B:<P>I am so sorry for your pain. I am emotionally turned off at this time and fortunetly, writing (any kind) is such a soother for my soul. Even if I do not make a whole lot of sense. <BR>I do not know how you could work with OM(OM or OW)(guess it wouldn't matter) I would have to definetly find another job and you need to find counseling, even if it is just here to hear other stories and others trials. That is why I am here. If I don't try to find a way to melt my cold heart, I will destroy everything about myself and family. <BR>God Bless you. I wish you well. If it would help, please feel free to email me or post here, sometimes just talking can help yoou out. <P>mothernature@ria.net

Hi Mercy,<P>Oh! I'm in counseling, and I have written 1950 posts/replies since I came here last August, so I totally understand the need to write, write, write!<P>Yes, working with the OM is hell. I am one of the few who are truly stuck there, for many reasons. I have nowhere else to go... and at this point, with the very real possibility of having to go it alone, the last thing I need is to try to support my family on a Taco Bell income. My job is VERY specialized, and I live in a smallish town... I've explained before, and it almost sounds futile now... but anyway... it is terrible. Amazingly enough, we have not begun the affair again, no matter what life has thrown us, and I am thankful for that, at least. <P>I'll hold on to that email addy... mine is nbeginning@yahoo.com if you'd like to talk...

do any of you have small children? my children have been acting out so badly. I think it is from all of this?

My son is a junior in high school. It was obvious to him that something was upsetting me. He had no idea that it had anything to do with the marriage. My relationship with my H on the surface hasn't changed much. We never fought (and still don't - one of the problems, I think, nothing gets resolved). We are civil to each other just as we always have been. My son has always had trouble with school. Since he noticed that I was upset, he's been trying harder at school and really doing well. He's my pride and joy. I think he thought that he was the reason for my distress. That it was his school problems that had me so upset. He finally realized that something was up when we were both home form work on a Monday morning (we had a couples thereapy appointment) and he asked why. I told him with as little detail as possible that my distress has caused a strain in our relationship and that were going to counselting together to try to work things out. I reassured him that it had nothing to do with him. I told him how proud I was of his recent efforts. He seems to be OK. I guess I'll know for sure when the report cards come out. For a teenager he is a really good kid. I always know where he is, he tends to stay out of trouble. (I remember me at that age. Thank God he's not like me!).<P>He is the glue that is holding my marriage together at this point. He graduates from high school next year and I don't know what will happen after that.

My kids are perched on the edge of the nest...<P>18,17 and 15, all halves... nearly 19,18,16... and our son (the youngest) has special needs. It's been a rough go, and these poor kids know EVERYthing. Our son is in therapy, our oldest daughter is waiting for referral approval for therapy, and middle daughter plans to go into the service to get away from us...<P>This kind of thing affects kids no matter what the age. <P>When my parents seperated (they did get back together) I was 38 years old. Might as well have subtracted 30 years from that age, I felt 8 years old... "why mommy and daddy??? NOOOOOO, don't do it..."<P>I'm serious. Hurts no matter what the age.<P>~Sheryl

Makes me sad. I lost my father when I was 8. I figured that it was easier that way. <P>My sister insists the Kids will get over it. But in my experience with divorced kids, they don't seem to get over it. I just hate the thought that we may screw up the kids worse if we are together and we fight, although ignore and be snappy is more like it. We are so consumed by this the kids have had to take a back seat to life for us. I feel badly. I wonder at times if it would be better for me to leave than to be causing all this ruckus?<P>My husband told me tonight, he doesn't know me. I am not the same person he fell in love with. I almost felt like saying DUH! He did say he cannot wait forever for me to get over this person. He asks me time and time again if i have feelings for this person. I think he is worried id fall in love, but i know that is not the case. I don't think i love myself much, never mind any man!! In a discussion today he and i discoverd that my mother made all of us kids emotionally dependant on her. soley on her. It is no wonder my emotional needs cannot be met?<P>Like I have said before, if it wasn't for the kids I wouldn't be here.