My husband has not been meeting several of my needs for the past few years. I was not looking, but happened to meet someone I was very attracted to. He too is married. We hit it off almost immediately and have been having an affair. We both feel really guilty because it is against both of our morals, but on the same note, neither one of us wants to end it. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I feel as though I don't even love my husband anymore, yet how do you know when it is definately over and you should end things? Everything about him just annoys me anymore. Do I even try to work things out? The even bad part about this is that I haven't spoken to my husband about my feelings. I know that he senses them, but he doesn't even respond to that. I know he loves me and this will crush him. This is on my mind 24 hours a day, I can't sleep, I can't eat, it is tearing me up! It even hurts me more that it is tearing my lover up too! Obviously neither one of us were getting out of our marriages what we needed. What are the odds when an affair takes place that the relationship between the two having an affair survives? I would appreciate any advice from anyone who has gone through simililar circumstances. Thank you.

Rough times.... As it turns out the statistics for affair relationships working out is not very positive. I think it is because the affair is usually a symptom of the problem NOT the problem or solution.<P>I am not a betrayer, but a betrayed. I am sure that other betrayers will respond to you. <P>But I wanted to let you know that I can feel your pain too. Just as I can feel my spouse's pain. <P><BR>I think it is important to start to try to understand the BIG picture here. Which I think you are doing since you came to this forum. You will find a lot of great support and wisdom here.

Here is the deal. Somewhere in these posts are statistics about this affair stuff. I do believe I read only about 1% of lovers who marry stay together. Think about this, the newness of your togetherness(if i may) will wear off someday. Then you will each see the real you. It(lust?) will wear off. And I believe I have read that if you have done this affair stuff with each other, what stops you both from doing it to each other eventually? <P>What emotional needs are NOT being met by spouses? What emotional needs are you meeting for each other?<P>Continue reading posts there is a lot of wisdom here!<P>To feel that you do not love your spouse is very common. To be annoyed with him? I am not sure, but i know I feel exactly the same way. All he has to do is look at me and i am intensly annoyed. If I examine myself closely i find that he annoys me because he restricts my behavior. Such as wanting to go somewhere without company, phone calls without having to answer to who it is. I feel he is invasive of my life. He probably isn't really but that is how i feel.<P>are there any children to be concidered? How is your behavior in front of the children? Is there so much tension they are reacting to it? Can you not get along at all? Write a pro and con list perhaps to try and make a decision. But before all of this read the Basics from MB and see if you can make your marriage work. Surely there is still something there that you do love. <P>Good Luck.

Welcome <B>real tough times</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>You are <B>oh so</B> not alone on this...<BR>Please take the lead here...<BR>You've got to stop seeing the other man(OM)...<BR>The odds are so bad for the survival of any relationship that strats from an affair...<BR>... an excellent book that gives you the best perspective on this is... <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393307077" TARGET=_blank><B>Private Lies :</B> Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy</A> by Frank Pittman! Get it! Read it! Think about it!<P>Then act...<P>...give up the OM ASAP!<P>Check out the recent posts from <B>Jill</B>... <B>azhootie</B>... and <B>NoMas</B>... for a varitey of perspectives... see ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001425.html" TARGET=_blank>To Jill and azhootie</A> for starters! Let me not leave off onw of <B>Jill</B>'s early postss ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000144.html" TARGET=_blank>I'm the betrayer. Can someone help me??</A>!<P>I pray you see the real purpose of <B>Marriage Builders</B> is not to escape your marriage... but to build it!<P>Everything you've said is very much the "standard" things said by <B>every</B> wayward spouse(WS)... It is part of the fantasy world(you are denying) that is a byproduct of the addiction of you affair.<P>Please read all you can... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 18, 2000).]

There are no children involved. My husband and I lack intimacy and have for quite some time. Affection is low, I feel very little attraction for him anymore. Financial support has been a problem, he likes to spend and doesn't know how to save. We see things very differently. He doesn't see where I am coming from, and vice versa. We have had a very unusual marriage. We have had to conker more unusual cicumstances than most. I continue to read other posts and can relate very well. I realize cutting off the relationship with the OM is what I need to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do that. I see him everyday for he works in the same building as I. I feel attracted to him more than I have with anyone my entire life! I realize it is said that it is not true love, but it sure feels like it.

Real Rough,<P>I wrote something on another thread, and I think it might help you...<P>I work with my OM, and it is very difficult to end an affair when you see him every day, but try these things. First of all though, click on the sunglasses (see them up there?), and read my profile.<P>Here's what I wrote on the other thread about how to keep the closest thing to a no-contact rule while working with the OM... and that's what it takes to end it, NO CONTACT... Here goes:<P>My insight comes from the fact that I have worked with the OM since the affair ended, and have thankfully, been able to avoid rekindling the fire for nine months since it ended. That is not to say that it hasn't been a kind of hell on earth, that I haven't at times been tempted (especially when my H had a revenge affair in January, and the OM expressed an interest in beginning the affair again), and it also doesn't mean that it's the best way to go on with your life. I'd wager that it will be the most difficult thing you do! Far more difficult than ending the affair in the first place!<P>As a disclaimer: If I could have, I'd have quit my job. If there is no way for you to do it, like me, then read on...<P>How'd I do it? Well... here's a list!<P>1. I took ICQ, private email, and any other means of private commuincation off my computer. I deleted him from all friends lists. The only way we communicate is personally or on work email... which is monitored. <P>2. I stopped going ANYwhere, even staff meetings, with him alone. I took others with me when there were retirement parties, etc. Even walking out to the parking lot at night after work became difficult, but I planned my days so that I stayed later, even 5 minutes, or left earlier. Some days I ended up leaving at exactly the same time, and on those days, I literally put SPACE between us... I walked behind or in front of... never next to. I have to say that now, after all these months, I can walk out to my car with him... but I purposely park on the other side of the lot, so that we seperate immediately after going downstairs.<P>3. I talk about nothing personal/marriage related. I admit, I've slipped, and so has he... it isn't easy. But for the most part, it's work-related only.<P>4. He's been told that if my office door is closed he CANNOT ENTER- UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES- EXCEPT DIRE EMERGENCY. This is so that if my H or children come by, they won't have to see him in ANY way, or if I have a personal phone call of any kind, he won't hear it.<P>5. I tried to be not-so-flirty, funny, cute, sexy... all the stuff I flaunted in his face before... not that I was loose or a whore, but just that I was interested before, and there was no doubting it. I changed the way I dressed a bit, toned it down, not so tight skirts, etc. Again, not that I came to work looking like a hooker, but that I looked darned near perfect, and smelled really good too... so I also stopped wearing "his" favorite cologne, stopped using "his" favorite lip gloss (the smell of it reminded me of him) and threw them away, actually.<P>Again, I am not the queen of recovery, and I don't pretend to have been HUGE SUCCESS at this, but I do understand, and I do stand by what I've written here.<P>Hope this helps..."<P>I wish you wisdom in making the right choice. I understand not feeling in love with your H and deep love for the OM. So often, and it's sad to admit, it's all just fantasy though...<P>~Sheryl<P>