Is it possible for people who are conflict avoiders to work through the problems of a marriage???????<P>My W is a major conflict avoider! When she was growing up, her parents made all of her decisions for her, even the decision on where she would go to college. She was never taught to make decisions for herself. This has also caused an incredible fear of failure. She has never learned to pick up the pieces and move on.<P>I know for a fact that this is true. She had an eating disorder when she was in high school and college. What I have read and what she has told me is that these are more of a control issue than a weight issue. She has always told me that her parents would not settle for mediocrity. So when things have been rough at work (she manges 13 employees), she does not know how to deal with the adversity. When things are bad, all she talks about is quitting...at work and now with her marriage!<P>Now, when things are going bad, she knows nothing else than to run. She cannot make a decision. A lot of times, she will try to ignore things (which is what got us to this point) and hope they will go away, hence the title "conflict avoider."<P>I feel she is doing the same thing now. She often tells me that she "would not blame me for leaving her right now" or she will say "that I don't know how you can love me when I am causing you all of this pain." It is like she is trying to put the ball in my court and let me make the decision for her.<P>I guess that is what frustrates me the most right now. I want to tackle the problem and get to the bottom of things, and she just "waffles" on all decisions. She can't stop her relationship with the OM and she cannot commit to working on our marriage! Ugggghhhh!!!<P>OK, enough of the psycho-analysis. Any comments or similarities or solutions would be appreciated.<P>Doug<BR>

Doug,<P>I totally identify with you! My h is a conflict avoider big time! He is now living with the other woman. He at least was able to make that decision. But he keeps coming over and being nice to me and I know he still loves me. The thing is, I think he expects that I will just go out and file for divorce. Well, when he was here on Thursday, I told him I am not filing for a divorce because I don't want one. He didn't say anything. The last few times previous to that, we didn't even discuss divorce. I don't think he knows what he is doing. I was just going to file for divorce and get it over with but then I decided I was making it way to easy on him. If he wants this, then he is going to have to go out and find his lawyer and do it all on his own! I will get my own lawyer as soon as he serves me with the papers. I think he needs a taste of reality. I quite frankly am getting very tired of being the only person in this marriage acting like an adult! He is coming over tomorrow too, I don't know how that is going to go at all. He called me yesterday for no reason. I asked him if he missed me and he said yes. He told me it was snowing out. We talked for 20 minutes. He said he would make me lasagna tomorrow when he comes. Then, he called me again this morning to tell me what I need to get so he can make the stuff for me. I am going to end up taking the day off from work tomorrow because I don't want him in the house without me here. I don't know what this man is doing to me. It sounds a lot like your wife, the confusion part of it all. All I can say is that I really feel for you! It is not easy being here. I never thought this would happen to us! My h adored me through our entire marriage and then wham! He has another woman! I was shocked! Anyway, I would take him back in a heart beat! Not many people understand that! I have loved him for almost 16 years now! That is half my life time! I can't just stop loving him. Hang in there and as soon as I figure out the answers, I'll let you know. If you figure it out before me, be a dear and clue me in on it!<P>Woozy

kinda blue,<P>I am married to a conflict avoider also. I don't know what to tell you. Is your wife open to counseling??? I really think they need to get to the pain before they can stop running.<P>I don't know if my h will stop running. He is still blaming me for his unhappiness and talking about running and denying any depression.<P>The truest thing I know is that we can't do anything about this situation. They have to.<P>I think they basically have to crash. I just don't know what will make them crash.<P>Woozy, my H seemed to adore me also. He told me daily how much he loved me. It was like a train hitting me one day. I am still reeling from it.<P>I have not been able to get my H to talk about anything. ANy problems between us are vague. Or they don't really make sense. I don't even know if it is a PA or an EA. All I know is that the weight of it is crushing the stamina out of me and our children.

Too Trusting,<P>My h maintains I did nothing to deserve this. He can't understand himself why he did it. I know there were things I could have done better but he is willing to take all the blame himself for this one. I am trying to improve on my housework and that sort of thing now. He isn't even living here to see it though. He pops in and out when it is convenient for him. Always returning to the ow. <P>I know my h was suffering from depression. He seems to be putting on a good front right now. He couldn't bring himself to face counseling. Unfortunately, he felt I was the one pushing him into it. The thing is, I love my husband and I wanted to make sure he was ok mentally. I know when he is here he is happy to see us. When he leaves he seems sad to go. Like last weekend when he said he had to go and got tears in his eyes. Then on Thursday when I told him I love him and he said it back and started crying. I think he has a lot of torment going on right now. But, he seems to be content living with the ow. <P>It is so hard to take I know! I remember when he was living at home. It was awful! Everyday he was gone, I spent the day wondering if he was with her or not. If he was five minutes late coming home I would start bawling. It really has been easier since he moved in with her. Now I know where he is all the time. Sad though. At least I can get on with things. Now though, I am just waiting to see if he springs divorce papers on me. <P>I am as confused by this as you are about your situation. In the mornings when it was time for my h to get up to go to work, he would hold me and tell me he didn't want to leave me because I was so cozy. He would say stuff like that to me all the time. <P>The thing is, I was just starting to get my life on track. I have a job I love, I was making good friends and going out and doing stuff with them, I was losing weight like crazy and then he did this! I almost feel like he was feeling like I didn't need him anymore. That was never the case! I have always wanted and needed my h!<P>I sure hope someday our spouses will remember that incredibly special love they had for us and start giving it back to US again! I have never been so hurt in all my life! <P>Take care!<P>Woozy

Wow!!<P>It sounds like the three of us should get together and have coffee sometime!!! <P>Woozy--<P>I know EXACTLY what you are saying!! Do you feel like sometimes your H is "trying" to make you as miserable as possible just to get you to file for the divorce????? I don't know, maybe that's just my mind playing games on me.<P>tootrusting--<P>My W has seen a counselor once, about 3 weeks ago. She has another appt. for this Wednesday. I know (she told me) that her EA was never discussed. She told the counselor that we were having problems and she didn't know how she felt about me. Is that the ultimate conflict avoider of what. She can't even be honest with the counselor!!!<P>Take care of yourselves!<P>Doug<BR>

Doug, I like the coffee idea. I am glad you did not say diet Coke. Too many of my friend drink diet Coke in the morning.<P>My H is seeing a counselor. I have NO idea what they are discussing. He could very well be denying the "affair" since he won't seem to discuss "it" with me or his family etc. I know something is going on, because op's H told me.<P>The problems my H is having are deeper that this marraige and me. I at least know that.<BR>I truly love him though and hope that he crashs or wakes up or something befor it is too late.<P>He was a wonderful husband and father. He is actually becoming better as a dad lately. I was worried in the beginning because he seemed to have NO feeling. Now he is here more for them and doing more with them and seeming to understand the feelings of small children bette.<P>Now if I could only get him to fall back in love with me............!!!!!!!!!!!<P>ps. We used to love coffee in the am. He actually used to make it for me before I got up. Maybe he resented that. I sure hope not I really loved it and I thought I always told him so. He doesn't drink coffee anymore. I drink it constantly now, because I am always tired because I am always on this d*** computer talking to the countless other people in the same boat as me.... let's hope we don't all sink!!!!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tootrusting:<BR><B> <BR>The problems my H is having are deeper that this marraige and me. I at least know that.<BR>I truly love him though and hope that he crashs or wakes up or something befor it is too late.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That right there is the most frustrating part for me!!!!!!! I know there is so much else "there" that is causing this, but my W can't seem to see this!!! She thinks this is 100% a marriage problem. When I even mention about other things, she gets very defensive. She can't see that the 70 hours a week that she works, the sh***y job she has, her overbearing parents, etc., etc., have anything to do with this!!!! Does she honestly not see all of this!!! <P>Oh well, maybe someday I will understand all of this!<P>Doug<P>

I don't know if they'll ever see it. My H likes to run from it all. He always has and I've always known it.<P>I've excepted that about him. He has always blamed something or some job "out" there for his unhappiness. In fact, I seemed to be the only thing (and the kids before this) that made him happy.<P>I guess in the last 2 years, work has been stressful, and the children have been stressful and then there is that OP there making him feel real great about himself.<P>The one thing I really noticed when this whole "posssession" thing started was how normal he seemed at work, yet when he came home he seemed to be in a drug withdrawal.<P>I know, actually, we (his family) all know that WE cannot make him see it. He has to come to this by himself. <P>He has been in counseling since this thing started, but I have no idea what they are doing. Based on a few early conversations, I don't see him actually "getting" anything. But recently, he hasn't seemed too happy. And he is not living here so it can't be ALL me!!!! When he first moved out he seemed almost manic.<P>Now, I don't think so. It is so sad to me. Such a waste of a life. He is such a wonderful person. So giving, so intellegent, so wonderful a dad. I would hate to think that he would miss out on the really important things in his life to run away fromhimself.<P><BR>I guess that is where prayers come it. I'll tell you whaat... I'll pray for your W if you pray for my H. Take care. and good night.

KindaBlue, woozy, tootrusting,<P>You all are scaring me. I could have written your posts!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Do you feel like sometimes your H is "trying" to make you as miserable as possible just to get you to file for the divorce????? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>YES! Right from the beginning (my W's confession) I think she expected me to make the decision for her. I made a decision, but not the one she expected. Since then (about 8 months) she has been even colder and more distant than ever. I swear she is trying to drive me away - to find my breaking point - anything so she doesn't have to be the one to decide. She may eventually get her wish. The irony is that she will have made the decision by her behavior. Does she really think she can escape that reality by merely not being the one to verbally call it quits? <P>I am beginning to doubt such conflict avoiders have it in them to work out a bad marriage when it inherently requires facing up to issues and hashing out differences (i.e. conflict) to do so. <P>Boy, I'd hate to be one of us!

Hey all,<P>I definitely could use that coffee break but I drink Cappucino.<P>My h visited today. He came at 9am and stayed until 6:30pm. Right now, the way I see it, he is the one who is miserable and I am sort of liking it! <P>We got into a conversation about us. I asked him if he ever thought about moving home and he said yes. I asked him if he missed me and he said yes. I then said, "You still want me don't you?" He said yes and that he wanted everything. Not just me but the kids, the house, all of it. He was very emotional about it all. He is going crazy! He had tears in his eyes and was a mess. <P>He baked me lasagna. He told me he thought I hated him. I told him I could never hate him and that I love him very much. One of those fun filled days at our house. He spent most his time with me. <P>He asked me why I don't write him letters by e-mail. I told him I didn't think he wanted to hear from me. He said he did. BUt,I am not going to send him any. He said it felt like I was trying to cut off all contact with him. HEE HEE HEE! YEP! <P>I have a religous couple here in town working with me. The husband had an affair last year and they are in recovery. Well, the man sent my h an e-mail on Thursday with some pretty heavy stuff about family and how the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence and a whole lot of other stuff. Well, I believe that if my h didn't love me, and he read that letter, he would have nothing to do with me. Instead, since he has gotten that e-mail, he spent an hour with me on Thursday, he called me for no reason other than to tell me it was snowing on Saturday and that he missed me and we talked for 20 minutes, then he called me on Sunday and we talked for 10 minutes and then he spent 9 and a half hours here today. He had such a nice time today, he is coming back tomorrow. He told me he really enjoyed his visit today. <P>By his actions, I don't think he is trying to get me to file for divorce. I feel like he could be trying to find his way back. Slap me if I am wrong! We did have a very good day today. <P>All in all, it is very frustrating because of his stupid addiction, he turned around and went back to the other woman but once again, he had a hard time leaving and more tears in his eyes. I have a feeling that she is gonna freak when she finds out how much time he spends with me. I don't know though. If she did, it might send him packing! LOL!<P>So, I am not getting my hopes up though! NOT! I am going to interview for a better job tomorrow. So, I am still making my plans for as if we divorce. In the meantime, I hope he gets his head on straight! I think he is getting close. He is starting to see what he is giving up. We had a really good 11 year marriage and suddenly I think throwing that all away doesn't seem too appealing to him.<P>Hang in there guys. We all need all the support we can get! I feel one step closer to the mental ward every single day! Take care!<P>Woozy

2sad4words---<P>Welcome to the thread!!! Grab a cup of coffee and post away!<P>Isn't it really scary how some of these posts seem to be your life's transcript right now!!<P>Sometimes I read these letters and wonder if I am also posting under some different names.<P><BR>woozy---<P>Be careful about the "mental ward" comment!! You know it might come true someday! <P>Actually, I went to see a counselor last night (first time). She was really concerned about my mental state (so was I). She told me that I was definitley out of gas!! We talked about some ways to "recharge" and gain some more emotional strength. So, I'm still Plan A'ing, but with some limits now.<P>Anyway, take all! My prayers are with you!<P>Keep posting!<P>Doug<BR>