Hi all,<P>This feels a little weird for me to post to the betrayers as I have never done that. In particular I am hoping the male betrayers will respond as I already know the mechanics of how women think. I am trying to understand my husband a little better even if he won't try to understand or go deep himself.<P>Anyway, here goes. <P>1. Do any of you feel that your spouse does not know how you feel? <P>2. Doesn't know or feel how you feel about the OP and the love that you felt for them? <P>3. That we don't understand or feel your pain in giving them up? <P>4. Do you feel that your spouse can't handle your feelings? <P>5. That you don't want to hurt them with details? <P>6. Do you think it is inappropriate to share your spontaneous thoughts and feelings towards the other person? <P>7. Do you feel that you just want to forget what happened and push it away? <P>8. That you want your spouse to just move on and do the same?<P>9. Do you think it is wrong or inappropriate to share your feelings, past & present, about the OP with your spouse?<P>10. Are any of you out there like my husband not sharing those feelings with anyone?<P>11. Do any of you think that you can handle this all on your own with no counseling, no research, no journaling, or any thing else that is recommended for healing?<P>12. Have any of your searched your family history or were already aware of affairs that happened before your generation?<P>I probably have tons of other questions. They are all in my head and when I go to type them all down my mind seems to fail me. <P>Big Hugs <P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose. What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited March 19, 2000).]

No one bit on this the first time over the weekend. Bringing it up to the top to see if anyone will during the week. <P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B>

Here...I'll bite....<P>1)No, I don't think my spouse knows how I feel. She was pretty shocked when I confessed to her...never in a million years did she think I could do this. Doesn't know "why" which leads me to believe she doesn't know how I feel. Our lives have got pretty busy and stretched these past few years with her in school...<P>2)I know she has no clue to how I feel for the OW. In some ways I want her to know to help explain where I am at and why I did what I did...but I don't want her to bear the pain of knowing my heart could feel this way about someone else. I am not proud of this. It is just where I am at.<P>3) Again...no....no idea and not sure I want her to be aware of this pain...Trying to "protect" her in an odd way. (I'm sure I'll catch flack for that one!)<P>4)Sometimes...I think if everything was "on the table" that we could work through this. But her plate is so full right now,much pressure from school and 2 months away from graduating....I don't want to derail that right now....<P>5) correct....don't want to hurt them with details...she wanted particulars right after the disclosure which I would not give. Certain images don't need to be branded in her mind. Bad enough I have to live with them. Don't think they are important. (My opinion here)<P>6) Not sure what you mean here, share my feelings with my wife about OP? Don't think she even wants to hear her name, let alone my feelings and thoughts. Don't think my wife can be my "counselor" or "Friend" on this one.<P>7) Still trying to "untangle" my heart away from the OW. Have not been successful here. I know what the "right" thing is to do...just having a hard time getting the "want to" to do it. So I am still in 'limbo'<P><BR>8) Spouse would like to just move on...and forget it all...but kind of hard. Because the root problem as yet to be dealt with. Not even sure I know what it is. This whole incident with me has been a very uncharacteristic thing of me to do. A symptom is what I believe it was.<P>9) Again...don't think spouse wants to know. Perhaps someday...in hopes that I could help others, my wife and I can talk more about it. I would imagine it will always be an embarassing and painful thing to talk about. Unfortunately, I have yet to reach the stage where I am "ashamed and disgusted" by my actions. I am still in "love" with OW.<P>10) I'm here 'sharing' so guess that is a step better than your husband. I did see a counselor for awhile...but stopped for several reasons. Will go into that later if you want.<P>11) I have talked to several folks...but again, I am in a difficult place right now, and don't have the liberty to share with many folks. Kind of complicated...<P><BR>12) Family history...hmmmmm...not sure. Those things aren't usually written down in the family bible! :-)<P>Feel free to ask me anything you want....more than happy to share my heart.<P><BR>

These are some of the same questions I've had. My S says he never loved them, only wanted admiration, said no withdrawal. Said very ashamed, so sorry I'm hurt, was glad when we moved so he didn't have to end it another way. Says no sex, even though I don't believe it for some very good reasons. Why do we want these people who cannot be faithful? Are we pitiful nobodies who don't deserve faithfulness? I hope more betrayers answer your questions. Wish my S would post here.

NoMas,<P>I am glad to see you posting here and trying to help others.<P>I'd like to know just what it is about your ow that you find so loveable. Is it her sterling character - for example her honesty, her loyalty, her selflessness, her love for others, her empathy for other women, her intelligence....., or is it her ability to make you feel good?<P>I notice you have been a member since January. It's time for you to snap out of your fantasy world and out of withdrawal if you have cut off all contact and have genuinely tried to redirect your attention and emotion toward your wife ..............RRRRRRRRING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I believe I hear a wake up call coming your way!

Hey Brknhrt...<P>You are not a "pitiful nobody" for hanging in there.<BR>For whatever it is worth...for a lot of men, perhaps it is a very detatched thing that they want to "shake off" and just move on.<P>I know when I confessed to my wife, I was very tore up...for several reasons...for what I had done to her..seeing her pain, plus the turmoil of knowing that I could no longer see someone I had become very close to. After the "shockwaves" of the disclosure subsided, my heart began to yearn for the OW again. There was no intercourse, but a brief sexual encounter after months of emails and phone calls. I have a enough presence of mind to tell you I cannot possibly be in my "right mind" (if that makes anysense) to be in the place I am in.<P>It is the craziest thing I have ever experienced in my 19 years of marriage. This is so unlike me....yet I am here...just dying inside...

Hi Wesse....<P>So you too have seen the devestating effects working in the "divorce" field. (saw your profile)<P>I don't say this proudly...but I have seen firsthand the same things. I have been involved in the ministry for 11 years. I have literally wept with families... husbands...wives and kids whose lives were bombed by this very sin. I kind of always thought being in the midst of their pain would have been cure enough for me to ever experience it for myself. Apparently not.<P>Sadly....somewhere along the way, my "character" has deterioated...and I don't like what I see in me anymore. I wish I could just "snap" out of it. Easier said than done...read my post at: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001475.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001475.html</A> <P>I come here to post to avoid the temptation to contact her. It is the only safe place for me to go at this time. I am not proud of what I have done, nor will you ever hear me try to justify it.<P>I apologize to all you wonderful woman who have been betrayed....I never thought I could ever do this.

Female here. Just broke up with OM (EA) today. <BR>1. H does not care how I feel about anything. He never asks, he has an angry outburst whenever I show any emotion other than admiration or love. Sadness even is not permitted. I'll tell him all about me and the EA and everything if and only if he ever agrees to read a book with me or let me read one to him (he isn't very literate).<BR>2. Knows he hasn't met my ENs, has no idea how shaky our relationship is.<BR>3. He has no clue.<BR>4. For certain.<BR>5. I'd love to hurt him most days. But restrain myself for the sake of our child.<BR>6. No, not if I had what I called a marriage or even an intimate relationship.<BR>7. No. I got a great deal of strength, validation, encouragement and motivation to work on the marriage again. I will cherish our friendship always. Do not think either of us was very addicted. No major withdrawal.<BR>8. I would like to engage husband in any dialogue, negotiation or effort at all! He will not respect me because he is insecure with our vastly different intelligence levels. But he admits that I do a very good job of supplying his need for admiration and respect! (I have two graduate degrees, am a practicing attorney while he is a high school drop out construction worker.)<BR>9. NO! But I get mercilessly punished. When dating I could not even mention that I had ever dated anyone else in the past. Sick, huh?<BR>10. Yeah, but it's the big bad husband's fault for not dealing with feelings.<BR>11. I do the research and journal stuff as needed. Only had bad experiences with counseling in the past. Would gladly go if H were willing.<BR>12. Only my paternal grandfather. He was a "ladies' man."<BR>

Sam, glad to see you getting some good replies. Hope things are better...<P>NoMas - so what did you tell your w?? My h confessed after telling Jennifer Harley. She told him to be totally open with me from then on. He answered all my questions (though I didn't want to know sexual particulars), and I HELPED HIM THROUGH IT.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>2)I know she has no clue to how I feel for the OW. In some ways I want her to know to help explain where I am at and why I did what I did...but I don't want her to bear the pain of knowing my heart could feel this way about someone else. I am not proud of this. It is just where I am at.<P>3) Again...no....no idea and not sure I want her to be aware of this pain...Trying to "protect" her in an odd way. (I'm sure I'll catch flack for that one!)<P>4)Sometimes...I think if everything was "on the table" that we could work through this. But her plate is so full right now,much pressure from school and 2 months away from graduating....I don't want to derail that right now....<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I was very surprised you would confess (isn't that the hardest part?) and tell her only part of the story. In one way you are both getting the worst of it.<P>My h tried to end it unsuccessfully before he told me. But once he told me, we were now in this together. I helped him draft the no contact letter, monitored his e-mails and let him cry on my shoulder when he missed her terribly. There was only one minor slip when he purposely left himself open to contact on ICQ, but he told me right away that she had sent a note.<P>I would think your w is already feeling the devastating pain of this, let her help you.<P>All the lies in one sense were for my protection, he didn't want to hurt me, but it really is not fair to her to not give her all the facts for her decisions.<P>As painful as it was seeing him "in love" with someone else, I truly felt for his pain. The only relief I had from my pain was the time we spent together being open with each other about our respective pain.<P>Is pt. 4 a rationalization? I would think the confession already sent her off the tracks (it sent me way off).<P>Don't shut her out, give her a chance to save the marriage. According to what I've read, it's mostly in the hands of the betrayed to get the marriage back on track.<P>------------------<BR>Cindy

Wesse...forgot to answer your earlier question about what I saw in this OW.<P>Admittedly, a man that ends up in the place I am in is "not thinking straight" to begin with. I plead guilty.<P>Second, I met this woman here last year...and we became "cyber friends" encouraging each other. I was confronted with a situation at work that was tempting me and was scared and had never encountered this problem before in my married life and was seeking help. I broke one of the "unwriten rules" and started emailing her. We just both began meeting some unmet needs in each other's lives. You know the story. We both felt "safe" being in different states and hid behind computers. She was easy to "talk" to...made me feel great, and it was a mutual deal. I was blindsided...never had this happen to me before if you can believe that. For more insight, read on:<P><BR>Schizzo (Cindy?)...in answer to your questions, a big part of my problem is after 11 years in the ministry, 3 kids and struggling to make ends meet, taking on another job while my wife went back to school, we kind of "maxed" out this past year or two...spread ourselves too thin. My wife finishing school was to be a ticket out for us...for me to let go of one of the jobs, maybe get out of the ministry for awhile.<P>Given a schedule like we had been on, we put our marriage on the back burner, if not the "fridge" :-) Wanting to share my personal "struggles" with her was difficult. She had so much else on her mind...and I didn't want her to feel like she had to quit school. I wish I could have been "more of a man" and just "dealt with it", but I didn't. I failed her...failed God...and with the "finish line" in sight, I felt like she could only handle "so much" after confessing. Things went back pretty much to normal for us at home in some ways...because the incident was put out of mind/sight. I really have wanted to share more with her the recent struggles...but I am afraid of her just not having the capacity to deal with it now. I keep telling myself..just a few more months.<P>Am I trying to say..."save schooling at the expense of the marriage"? May sound like it. I hope and pray not.<P>I am trying to get through this so I can get out of the ministry and go repair the things that have been neglected for too long...my relationship with my wife...and my God.<P>Oh yea..."what did I tell my wife"? <BR>Well...the relationship with OW and me heated up in Sept. of last year. I went to see her in Dec. for a brief 6 hour visit. Three days later, I confessed to my wife about the "relationship", and the meeting. We were both crushed. After the "shock" wore off, about 3 weeks later, I was back in contact again with OW. My wife knows I called her once briefly to check on her, but that is all. I have broke off contact with OW...has been several weeks now since we spoke last.<P>Yes...it would have been better to never be in this place. Great hindsight, eh?!<P><p>[This message has been edited by NoMas (edited March 22, 2000).]

I think by confessing, but not being completely open, you are creating an environment that will drive you farther apart.<P>As you see by my story, in one sense my h's transgressions were more "devastating": one affair ended unresolved and he "bumped into" another one.<P>I think Samantha is asking some real good questions. I found out Oct 29, and contact was broken the next day. In five months we are more "in love" than I remember us ever being. Still have to deal with the pain.<P>But I think the total blending of our lives following his confession made all the difference. We spent the next week away, lots of time together. And he has been totally open with me since.<P>I think your wife knows a lot more than you think. Since his confession, I could always tell when he was thinking about her. But thank God, she is ancient history. Somehow he killed his love for her just as he had killed his love for me when he started trying to justify his actions to himself.<P>He is truly back to being here with all his heart. But I urged him to be an open book when he wanted to hold it in. Then I made changes in me while I waited for him to really start trying to meet my needs.<P>It was only last month that he was here with all his heart, really working on our marriage. And it was worth it!<P>------------------<BR>Cindy

NoMas, brknhrt, Wesse, Karenna & schizzo,<P>Thanks for responding to this post.<P><B>NoMas</B><P>I have read your replies here and they have been helpful. I agree with what wesse & Schizzo have said. <P>I also have another thought. Although your wife is going to school and near the end aren't you selling her short and yourself too? It seems to me that your trying to protect her and not give her stress that you have shut her out. That even now because of her schooling you are assuming that she can't handle what is happening and how you are feeling. Aren't you taking a lot for granted and excluding her by not confiding in her? Haven't you just removed her from the equation without her permission or knowledge? Isn't all of this the reason you found first woman attractive and ended up in an EMA with the other?<P>I am not condemning you here. I am only asking questions. Seems like your trying to have a marriage with only one person involved...that person being <B>YOU</B>? That will never work because the word marriage and the premise of marriage requires two people. You and OW are two. <P>It seems like you set yourself up not the have your EN meet by your wife and found a surrogate instead.<P>I did not mean to offend you. Just my opinion I am glad you are here trying to work this all out and are helping others in the process.<P>None of us can change one-second of the past. God never throws the past up to us, nor does he deal with us through guilt. He may convict us of our actions in an effort to stop us from doing the things that are causing us and possibly others harm. Still he does not use guilt. Satan is the master of guilty feelings and he uses them on all of us. Being the great counterfeiter he is, he makes us feel or think they are from God.<P>You have a wonderful opportunity here to change the future. I will pray that you take the opportunity to reunited with the wife you chose and God blessed you with.<P><BR><B>brknhrt</B><P>I can feel the pain you are in through your words on the reply. I am so sorry that you are going through this.<P>Why do we want someone who is unfaithful? I want my husband because I love him. I never knew why I loved him for many, many years. It came to me one day recently while listening to a song on the radio. It is by Phil Collins. The song is "True Colors." Have you ever heard it? If not I encourage you to listen to it.<P>The just of the song is a person's true colors. The reason I love my husband is because from the moment I first started getting to know him up until now is that I see his true colors. His true colors are wonderful and beautiful.<P>Do you know why you love your husband?<P>My husband's affair was not like your husband's apparently was. My husband feel deeply in love with the OW. <P>I can tell you this that anything is possible and the ideas on this site can help you get to where you need to and want to be. I will be praying for you.<P><B>Karenna</B><P>I feel the pain in your reply as well. I am so sorry that your husband is apparently so insensitive. As we all know people usually go into affairs because they have some unmet emotional needs. I will pray for the success of your marriage and that God softens your husbands heart and opens his mind to become the man you need in your life.<P><B>schizzo/Cindy</B><P>I read all your advise and words. I am so glad you are doing so well. Can't wait to talk to you person to person. <P>As far as how I am doing. Depends on the day and depends on the moment. LOL <P>Talk to you soon.<P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><P><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited March 23, 2000).]

NoMas, what do you mean when you say you met OW here? Do you mean here at the MB site? Maybe i read it wrong.

Sam, <P>I'm realizing how unreal the in-loveness is in an affair.<P>Private Lies really made sense. I'll copy part of a reply I made elsewhere. Could you get your H to read it???<P>So, I am finally understanding the high that comes from its very illicit nature, that he now sees he was more in-love with "being in-love" than with this woman.<P>The other part got lost in the cut/paste but is out of the chapter specifically on romantic affairs.<BR>

Just bringing this up for those who replied earlier...especially Nomass, brknhrt & Karenna;<P>I do hope the three of you will respond again.<P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B>

A Blessed Samantha,<BR>I thot my H loved me more than any one ever would. I realized now I have lived in a fantasy world most of our lives. You should read my story listed under "BBNC and any others posted on Mar 22. He has lied to me from the very beginning of even meeting each other, was never, and I mean never honest w/me. Days like today I just wish so bad I could go back knowing what I do now and never have married him. What was I thinking, he would chg, he was wonderful. Today is a bad day, depressed and angry.

Ok let me give this a try. First let me say that this is the husband of just_me. <BR>1: Im not sure anyone can say they think that another person realy knows how they feel.<BR>2: Again I dont think anyone can descibe how they feel, especially when it comes to love. Some people can never tell when they are and arnt in love. Thats why many people say they love but arnt in love.....what is that<BR>3:I believe that one can understand the pain of giving up the OP but surely could not feel it with us. I dont think we can expect them to feel it with us.<BR>4:I dont think it is a case of us not thinking they can handle it but more not wanting to put them in the pain of it all.<BR>5:details suck. why do we as people insist on having the details? Details will only do two things. First it will make him re-live the whole thing and is that what you really want? Second it will plant the pictures in your mind that will never go away. For you to have details will not help you get past any of this. I have found myself on both sides of the coin and I am telling you that the details dont help.<BR>6:This one I am not sure on. I am in the early stage of recovery myself and I have not yet gotten past all of this. He will have those feelings now and then but I dont think it is something to worry about. Im not sure if he should be left to deal with it on his own or if you should try to help him with it.<BR>7: yes yes yes. I cant tell you how important it is to let it go. Again dont make him re-live it over and over. This is what I ask of you, Do you forgive him for what he did? if you did then answer this other question. If you asked god to forgive you for something you did would you expect to have to continue to explain it over and over to him? or would you expect him to forgive you and never think of it again? The reason I say this is because you truly have to forgive if you want to move on. this is for both you and him. We always say how it is one thing to forgive and another to forget, wrong! If we truly forgive then we can forget. When I was on the other side of the coin I loved the person that would become my wife and I wanted to forgive her. It wasnt tell about seven years of everyday pain that I realized that I had truly forgiven her. I told myself that day that I did forgive her and I would never think of it again. I have not had the feeling of my heart being torn out of my chest since that day. My wife just told me how you forget in time. Its like I just told her. to forgive is to forget, no ifs ands or buts about it. when god forgives, he forgets. the slate is clean at that time and you have to do the same. Sorry so much on this but I am trying to save you the seven years of pain I had before I realized what I was doing wrong. What I did to myself was much worst then what my wife had done to me. dont do it to yourself like I did. I know its hard to understand but one day you will.<BR>8: same as 7<BR>9: same as 7<BR>10: I think he is simply trying to put it behind him and in that case I point back to 7 yet again.<BR>11: ok know this one I am much like your husband as to how I feel. It isnt just in this matter but in all things. counseling can only help the one who wants it. if it is forced on him it will only push him forther into himself. I dont think anyone can tell me what I am or was thinking at anytime. I think that talking about things can help but only when you reach the point that you can let it out. my wife and I went from month to month with me leaving and coming home again and again. nothing could have changed that. I needed the time and the experience that I had this last time to make me see clear. At that time the blinders had been removed from my eyes and I could then start to fix things in my life with my wife.<BR>12: ok at first glance I find this one funny. I can see what you are looking for in this though. One learns from what they see, but I wouldnt search much further than the ones that raise us.<BR>I hope some of this helps and I hope you look back at number 7

<B>Just-me's husband</B><P>I don't have a lot of time to reply as usual. I was truly surprised to see this thread resurrected. I thought it had died with pretty much little interest a few weeks ago.<P>The dynamics of our relationship here are unique as all of ours are. The basic fact is that Husband still is in love with OW after over a year past discovery. His blinders have not been removed and I don't think at this point they ever will be. Maybe they aren't blinders at all? Maybe she is/was the love of his life? Needless to say I am confused on this one today.<P>He wants to bury this all and just move on. I don't know if you understand what I am trying to say but, you can't bury an open would. It will merely heal over on top and fester inside. Then in will turn possibly into gangrene and spread to the bloodstream. Without proper medical attention the person (here the relationship) will die. That infection will eventually hit the heart. <P>I may have to live with how he feels for the rest of my life. That appears to be an extreme possibility. Am I willing to do this? My heart is willing but, I am not sure years of this will keep my heart in the place it is now.<P>In reference to number 7. Everything you say about God is right on the money. He does forgive with true repentance and never remembers the offense again. <P>True repentance is one of the keys here. Hubby is not truly repentant. He is sorry that is true. He believes however that the affair and his choice to have one is 99 & 9/10% my fault. That the demise of the marriage is my fault nearly solely. That is not true repentance. He is sorry he hurt me but, he feels entirely justified in what happened.<P>I must add here too that the secret friendship (When she reacquainted herself to him. They knew of each other in high school. They did not know one another but of one another. They said hello in the halls. She had a crush on him then and evidently continued to harbor that crush for some 20 years later.) he never came home and told me he had run into and old friend/aquantance from school. This is very unlike my husband. <P>The full blown affair went on for the last year and a half if not a little longer before discovery.<P>Now back to the rest of your point in number 7. I am not God. I strive to be more Christlike everyday. I will never reach the goal of being Christlike nor will any other human being here on earth. <P>Also God has this remarkable ability to forgive and forget because he is God. He has infinite wisdom. He knows all and sees all. He understand even the most minuet detail of every thing conceivable and those we can't even conceive. I could never be like God even if I wanted to be. I am human and don't have the capacity that he does. Even with the wonderful gifts he has given me.<P>He knows what I am thinking, what my husband is thinking and feeling. He knows it all. He does not need questions answered because he already knows the answers without having to ask. I on the other hand do not know what my husband is thinking or feeling.<P>So please don't bring God and his forgiving and forgetting into this. The analogy falls way short.<P>Yes, I have forgiven my husband. Until she is no longer in his heart and mind, I won't be able to forget. Until he truly forgets how can any betrayer ask the wounded spouse to forget?<P>I probably have fallen short in explaining all my thoughts here. Hopefully you will get the just of it though.<P>I am looking forward to you response.<P>Until then have a great night/day, which ever applies. Oh yeah, thanks for responding to my thread. That was very kind of you. I really appreciate your reply even if our opinions differ. <P><P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B>

O.K. this one I had to ask my H, since I can't get him to post here no matter what.<BR>Here goes more or less exactly the way he answered, I can't type that fast LOL<P>1. Do any of you feel that your spouse does not know how you feel? <P>I didn't think so at the time, you acted like you knew better than me but were way off in many things. Or I was.<P>2. Doesn't know or feel how you feel about the OP and the love that you felt for them?<BR> <BR>Again at the time, it felt like that. Now it seems that you know better than me what I felt for the ow.<P>3. That we don't understand or feel your pain in giving them up? <P>I think you did. That's why you were always so gentle when I was down.<P>4. Do you feel that your spouse can't handle your feelings? <P>At first I thought maybe you couldn't. But everytime wew talked it seemed that you could better than me.<P>5. That you don't want to hurt them with details? <P>I was trying to do just that. Stupid huh? I thought I was doing what was best to prevent from hurting you... no , actually, I wasn't thinking about not hurting you at all, just trying to cover my a$$, sorry. At the time I was just thinking about the afair, and sometimes felt like hurt you for looking so much in control.I just don't know what happened to my brain then.<P>6. Do you think it is inappropriate to share your spontaneous thoughts and feelings towards the other person? <P>Yes... It makes me feel... I don't know , I don't like to talk about it, and you know that... And don't laugh... o.k. I fell embaressed for acting in such a stupid way, stop laughing now!<P>7. Do you feel that you just want to forget what happened and push it away? <P>Yes! Yes! Yes!<P>8. That you want your spouse to just move on and do the same?<P>Yes please..... <P>9. Do you think it is wrong or inappropriate to share your feelings, past & present, about the OP with your spouse?<P>I don't know what it is, I just don't want to think about it anymore. It's awfull when we have to confront our own stupidty.<BR>Can I watch tv now?<P><BR>10. Are any of you out there like my husband not sharing those feelings with anyone?<P>You know I never share this with anybody. <BR>Just with you when you keep asking all those questions. But I don't have to like it, do I ?<P>11. Do any of you think that you can handle this all on your own with no counseling, no research, no journaling, or any thing else that is recommended for healing?<P>Yes I did. And yes I know it was stupid. And no I don't want to ever again have to go for counseling. ANd I don't want to research about it, I just want to forget it. I would too, if you stoped asking questions ... o.k. just one more...<P>12. Have any of your searched your family history or were already aware of affairs that happened before your generation?<P>Neither of us did.<P>Keep in mind that this conversation is taking place almost two years after the affair, and we were able to recover.<P>We rarely talk about it now, but h is open to questions and tries to answer most of the time.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Hey Trying...<P>I hadn't seen this thread in a bit. In answer to your question...YES....I met her here on these boards. Last year, I stumbled across this site and posted under another alias. I was really tring hard to avoid a tempting situation here at work...and found some great support here. One of those "supporters" was a wonderful woman who was recovering from her own "failure" from months earlier. Somehow....we "conncected" and became "cyber-pals" and started emailing. Guess we felt "safe" being hid behind these computers. <P>Without a doubt, I "broke some of the rules" when I pursued the friendship...but let this be a word of warning...many "vulnerable" and hurting folks in here....and it is possible to "jump out of the pan and into the fire."