I know I am late here to this thread, been detained in divorce court.<P>I just want to commend NoMas and JustMe's H. I think it is wonderful that you will share this with us.<P>Also to samantha, I posed this question a few months ago, and I got a really wonderful response from Guard that answered many of these questions. It helped me to deal with the betrayal in a different view.<P>I have a hard time pulling up my past threads, but I would guess it was mid Jan - Mid Feb if you were to look it up.<P>Good luck, prayers are with you, Dana<BR>

<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000585.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000585.html</A> <P>Samantha, hope this works, Dana<BR>

12 questions asked. Over half of them contact the word "feel" or "feeling".<P>Strange coincidence? I think not. The reason why that particular word is so often repeated may be the key to solving the 12 questions.<BR>

<B>Cuckold</B><P>My brain is not funcitioning at it's normal level. Can't figure out puzzles right now. Would you mind clarifying your words. Please do it like I am a real simpleton.<P>Thanks.<P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B>

This would be the husband again<BR>Im not sure what to say at this point.<BR>I can only say how and what I think. I am still very confused with people that are cheated on. I cant say that if my wife did to me what I did to her that I would still be here today. I am not sure why she stayed and even more why she still wants me. <BR>This I think after only being in my affair for only a few months but I told my wife about it before it went to far and the rest followed with her knowing about it. I like most didnt think I was any longer in love with my wife and would be happier with this other person. I told her about the other person before anything realy happened and the rest followed after I moved out of the house. <BR>A male friend of mine is in the same place that my wife was as that his wife is/was cheating on him. I think in watching him that he is more in love today and determined to keep her as part of his life than he was before.<BR>I am not sure why both these and your case seem to bother me. I think in your case it seems as if your willing to let him get away with all of this as long as he keeps you in his life. This disturbs me for this reason. In the past couple of months I found myself walking all over my wife because I knew I could and why not have my cake and eat it too? It was the day that my wife told me that she could no longer except things like they were and was going to go the next day and file for separation that I realized I had to clear my mind. I moved out of the OPs house and took another week for myself living in a motel room doing nothing but thinking. I have not been back to work since that day because the OP works for me and I could not think things through if I was still seeing her in any way. I have told my work to find a replacement for me as for I will not be returning and that my wife and family is worth more to me than the money is.<BR>The reason I am saying all of this is that I had alot on the line with my affair and yet when my wife quit allowing me to get away with it and she put the marriage on the line it was not so hard for me to remove the blinders that I too was wearing at the time.<BR>I am not trying to make any suggestions as to what you nor anyone else should do. I can just tell you what my wife did for me and our marriage. I do hope that everything works out for you. I know that you love your husband or you wouldnt live in the position he has placed you in.

Just_me's husband,<P><B>(by the way HI Just_me!}</B><P>Thank you again for your insight. My marriage is not exactly on the line. We are post discovery and no affair now for over a year. 13 months, 8 days and 8 hours, give or take a few minutes.<P>We are in true recovery now nearly 5 months on the 1st of April. That is when he changed departments and shifts at the plant.<P>I don't want to misrepresent Hubby here. He is trying very hard. We are closer and doing better than we have in years. We have huge lust. That is not passion. For me passion is coupled with intense love and intimacy.<P>He is more giving, becoming way less selfish and making consistent effort daily. <P>I have thought about going to Plan B. I know that sounds crazy being as we are in recovery and plan A. I guess I am just weary of living with ghost of OW?<P>I am not sure if I have allowed him to do the things you mentioned or not. As a matter of fact I am so confused at the moment that I am having a hard time putting my thoughts down on here. <P>Mostly I wanted to make it clear that hubby did not continue in the affair after discovery. As a matter of fact he ended it. Contact became gradually lessened to none.<P>The problem is that he feels it was not done. That at the height of the affair, during the greatest times and most intense feelings that it was interrupted by discovery. He will never know if it could have worked or not. So he feels shall we say that it was "half baked" and won't ever have different feelings because of the way it ended.<P>Again I am not making the sense I wanted to make. <P>Oh well, any advise you have will be appreciated and maybe, just maybe tomorrow I will be thinking clearer and able to express myself better?<P><B>Just_me</B><P>Thanks for letting me pick your husband's brain. I really appreciate the feed back. Hope you are doing good. God bless you big and your hubby too. <P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited March 30, 2000).]

What I mean is that it sounds like your perspective is an emotional one and probably that your husbands is a logical/thinking one.<P>You mention wanting to learn the male viewpoint and also that you already fully understand the female thinking process.<P>If this is true, the key to understanding why your husband does the things he does is to take your feelings out of the picture. Your husband makes decision logically, sort of like a machine, his feelings may play a part or he may even deliberately overlook his feelings in order to make the best logical practical decision.<P>In persuading him, don't do everything from an emotional standpoint. Use reason, cost/benefits, pros and cons, in your arguments to try to get him to see your point of view. There's too much emotion going on in your investigation.<P>You can't understand him without seeing things from a logical standpoint. I wish you the best of luck.<BR>

<B>Cuckold</B><P>Thanx for the explanation. Thanks for the wished of luck. I will need them as I am a very emotional person. (big surprise there huh)?<P>I have another question though...<B>What the heck is logical about engaging in an affair?</B> Is it not the most illogical course to take?<P>Also note that although hubby's approach to me may be logical, his approach and activities with the OW were emotional. Totally emotional. That is part of what I am feeling is missing here. <P>By the way, call me dumb or ditty. Maybe I am not as observant as I should be but, are you male or female? Are you betrayed or betrayer? Are you a single person who was the lover to someone married? Are you married and were the lover to someone married? Were you married and the lover to someone single? I read your profile and I didn't get the just of it all. I know it said someday that you might be able to get over the hurt and embarrassment to explain your situation. Sorry if I seem pushy. That is not my intention. I am however perplexed?<P>Thanx again for responding. I am just trying to work this all out.<P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited March 30, 2000).]

A blessed Samantha:<P>I am glad that my husband is willing to share his feelings on all of this....We are just in the beginning stages of recovery, and honestly I am very scared! The whole ordeal is so hard to deal with. I can only pray that things work out well for us and for you! I'm not sure if my husband will be responding anymore. He doesn't talk a whole lot about the situation to me, so like I said I am glad that he is expressing some of his feelings on this MB. <BR> My husband had left and come home again for 1 month. I thought that things were going well, but to my surprize nothing really had changed. He felt that he was still missing her and so I let him go. Hardest thing I ever did. He stayed with her again for almost 2 weeks. I couldn't hang on anymore. I knew that he loved me, but it hurt me too much to know what he was doing. Knowing that he was with her. I couldn't take it anymore. My gut(God) told me to do something. I called him one day and told him to meet me. I told him he had to stop living with her, stop seeing her, or I was going the next day to file separation. I loved him so much, but I couldn't hang on to him anymore knowing how much he was hurting me. He told her that night he couldn't see her anymore and he left. He took his time alone to think, and eventually ended up home with me again. I am so thankful to God that I have my marriage again. God has been my strength thru all of this and will continue to be! He has changed ME thru this process also....for the better! As horrible and painful as it has all been, God knows what the outcome will be, and he uses what the Devil thinks is his and turns it around for his glory! I truly believe that. Without all of this pain, I wouldn't have grown. My husband wouldn't have grown. I just can't help being scared. Scared to death that it will happen all over again! I'm scared to fully give myself again. I have learned to protect myself for so long now, that I'm not sure I can allow myself to be completely open again. I do know that I have to TRUST in God and let him take it from here. I had so much faith in God, but I never fully trusted him, and honestly things didn't get better until I learned to trust in him! I knew that God didn't want my marriage destroyed. I knew that he didn't want me to hurt so much. He has held me in his hands thru all of this. God's love is awesome! All I can say is to let him take over! Let him make things right again. We as humans can only do so much, but he can do all! Believe that!!! God bless.....

Samantha dear,<P>I know men are often thought to be the more logical, but not sure of yours.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The problem is that he feels it was not done. That at the height of the affair, during the greatest times and most intense feelings that it was interrupted by discovery. He will never know if it could have worked or not. So he feels shall we say that it was "half baked" and won't ever have different feelings because of the way it ended.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think this finally sheds some light on something I didn't understand. You really are dealing with a "ghost".<P>In Private Lies there was a story of a man who had an affair with a young girl, who later died. For years, he continued having "conversations" with her.<P>Your h is the one not being logical. If at the "height" of the feelings he chose you, he must have had good reasons when he looked at the big picture.<P>So what if discovery had not come when it did? He would have gone longer, and still had to make a tough choice, or it would have fizzled out. The outcome of the relationship is not based on continuing to explore the feelings, but on looking at the facts.<P>My h ended it at the "height" of their feelings even though I didn't stumble on it. He realized he was being unfair to me, and needed to decide for one or the other.<P>Sounds like your h needs a good strong dose of reality. How would his "love" have gone? Look at the statistics of affairs turned into marriages. Then he should give himself 100% to you and kill the feelings he has for OW. Yes, he has to kill them, they don't usually go by themselves.<P>This is totally unfair to you, Sammy. Sure you can't get him to read Private Lies? Or read parts with him? Might help to see how standard his "feelings" were, nothing unique or special.<P>