My W told me the second weekend in January that she was unhappy in our marriage. She told me that she loves me but is not in love with me. We have been married nearly 25 years and most of it pretty good. After 7 years of marriage I started having a problem with her not giving the affection I craved. I came from a family that did not show affection. Everyone was loved and respected and encouraged, but I can never remember being hugged or kissed by either my mother, father or grand parents. It was just the way it was and did not seem bad at the time because my sister and I did know any better.<P>When my W came along she was the opposite and showed and verbalized affection often. Then after our D was born and that affection was redirected to our her and I eventually had a 18 month emotional affair with a lady who wanted a lot more and became very aggressive. I ended the EA and she moved away to a different City. I have not had contact with her since. My W forgave me and things were good for a while. Counciling should have been considered at that time, but we did not.<P>The affection problem became a vicious cycle. The less I got the more silent I became (the councilor says I am an inward person that processes thing within myself). This would last until I reconciled it with myself, we made love or she would drag the problem out of me. We would discuss and the problem would be solved for a while...but we would revert back into the cycle after some time went by. The cycles got longer the longer we were married. She became tired of trying to drag it out of me. It almost became a way of life. I never knew the severity of it. I understand now that I was not giving attention to her emotional need but I thought at the time that i could work it out myself. This is what I do when I have a problem...I work it out silently within myself. I'm sure she started to read my mind incorrectly and this left her open to an affair. I know this now after reading "Surviving an Affair". I did not know it then. <P>In August of last year we looked for land in Colorado to build a retirement home. One year ago last January we complete building the home we have now. All three of us did most of the actual work and it turned out to be beautiful and has a high value. She and I designed the house together and before we decided to go ahead with the plans I asked her if our marriage was strong enough to undertake such a project. She agreed that it was. I enjoyed building it and having both of them helping. I will not say it was without conflict because it added stress to our all ready busy lives. It was completed and I thought everyone was happy.<P>One year later we were not happy. She tells me that I quite sharing things with her...day to day things. In affect we quite talking to each other. That left her very vulnerable for OM. She started chatting on the Internet a lot. I suggested to her at one point that she was addicted. She laughed. After she told me in January that she was not happy...I asked her if there was someone else? She said "When would I have time?" That was my first clue. I am good with computers and managed to get enough information to read her E-mails and responses. She at first was heavy into chatting in the adult sites and emailed 5 or 6 men in a very provocative way...more like fantasies. She eventually narrowed it down to one man in England. She emailed and phoned him less than thirty days before she met him. She has met him twice and I believe that they made love the second time. In January she arranged a 10 day vacation for herself and two other women...she says. She told me about this after my first counciling session. This was before I knew about OM. In fact, she is with him in England as I write this.<P>I have told her many times verbally and in letters and email that I love her very much and want to work out our problems with the councilor . She agreed to the counciling before I knew about OM but obviously has not stopped contact with him. I continue to tell her that I love her and want to work things out. She tells me she has to find out about this OM.<P>I love her very much and want her back in my life. She makes considerably more money than I do and does not need that. My D is almost 18 and will be moving out to college so that is not going to be much of a factor. She has hurt me very much and she has told me she is sorry for that. The night before she moved out we held each other for hours and cried a lot. The morning she left we hugged and kissed and cried and she and I both told each other that we loved one another. That was about three weeks ago and she will be returning from England on Tuesday.<P>The question I have is when should Plan A start? I have already told her that I do not like what she is doing but I will try to be here for her. I want us to be togther again in a much better relationship with the councilors and God's help. I have not gotten angry at her even though I wanted to. Given the situation when do I start depositing love units and what should those love units be? Please tell me how and what the love units should be given that she is so much in love with OM.<P>There is obiviously a lot more to this but I think I have given the highpoints of each side. If anyone could help I would appreciate it very much!!<p>[This message has been edited by J Willy (edited April 10, 2000).]

Start Plan A now!!!<P>I assume you've read the stuff on the homepage about Plan A...<BR>Here's a link to a great post on it as well...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html</A> <P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

Thanks kam6318!!!<P> I read the link you indicatedand it was very intresting. I think I am doing most of this. I was just wondering when I should start depositing the love units given that she is still so in love with this man. Will she dislike any love units I try to give her...or the longer I wait the more units he deposits? I just don't know which is best.

You have already begun Plan A by being supportive and not love busting about her trip. Elimination of Love Busters and attempts to meet your wife's emotional needs are Plan A.<P>When she comes back, make sure you follow a very strict Plan A - read about it at this site and try to purchase Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" and other books that are recommended by people here.<P>And read and post here frequently... There is also a forum devoted to Plan A and Plan B. Explore and read... You are in for the roller coaster ride of your life. Good luck!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

Welcome <B>J Willy</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>Yes... do start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> as soon as possible!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Will she dislike any love units I try to give her...or the longer I wait the more units he deposits?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...<BR>very much mirrors some of what I have experienced. My W is very angry with my attempt to deposit love units... I believe I waited too long to start a <B>pure</B> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... (I found MB 5.5 months after D-Day). I believe the longer you wait... the more opportunity there is for your W to build up the fantasy world... without any abaitment accomplished by your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>Start right away...<BR>Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> as soon as you can too!<P>Do read the links I have on my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A>... most people find the links very useful!<P>Prayers... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 19, 2000).]

Thanks Terri,<P><BR>I've all ready experienced the roller coaster ride and I know there is a lot more to come. I was 5'11" 170 pounds when I started this about three months ago. I got down to 155 I am now eating and sleeping a little more. I know many of the people on this site have gone through the same. I only hope that I can report a sucess story one day!!<P>This site is going to be good for me!!<P>Thanks!!

Thanks Jim<P>Responses like yours are going to help me figure this out. I'm amazed that there are so many people willing to take the time to help.<P>I appreciate it very much!!!<P>J Willy

J Willy,<P>Start plan A this instant. You have to put in those love deposit as soon as you find out and you have to start making changes within your self. You have to start showing her that you are working on those changes. <P>Plan A will not stop the affair! If you are lucky and you met her needs, then maybe she will give up the OM. BUt what you are doing here is showing her that you want to try. <P>You ask will she dislike the love deposit? well she may because it will make her feel guilty. <P><B>DO Not</B> expect your love deposit to make a difference in a short time. It takes a long time<P>Yes your wife is addicted. So don't ecpect anything to happen over night it is a long drawn out process that will take time, after all this didn't happen overnight either.<P>Prayers and {{{HUGS}}}<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Thanks for the response Di<P>I am listing Love Units that I would like to do after she gets back. I would appreciate any ideas that anyone might have for these love units. I know about cards, letters and flowers. I am looking for other ideas that might get her attention and deposit significant numbers of LU's.<P>I read your profile and my prayers are with you. I hope there has been possitve progress since you wrote it.<P>J Willy

J Willy,<P>When you get a chance... first identfy your W's and your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>!<P>Pull down... from the MB site...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A>... and fill it out for you... and what you believe (from her perspective) her needs are!<P>Then... start thinking of ideas for actions to meet those needs...<P>One more thought about what you can do...<BR>Check out the book...<A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/155927185X" TARGET=_blank><B>Light Her Fire</B></A> by Ellen Kreidman ...<BR>and one that one of the veterans (<B>HGBrawner</B>.. found usually on the "In recovery" forum) strongly recommends...<A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1881273156" TARGET=_blank><B>The Five Love Languages :</B> How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate</A> by Gary Chapman <BR>Please note... that <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> isnot just about meeting <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, annoying behavior and dishonesty (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>. (page 77 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BR>There is much people here can offer...<P>Prayers... are a big part of it! <P>Jim

Jim,<P>I printed the emotional needs evaluation and started to fill it out. I think it will be helpful. I'll get the book "Light Her Fire" and hopefully I will get some help from that. <P>I wish I could get some response from some of the wonderful ladies on this site. I think they would be most helpful.<P><BR>Ladies please help me build a list of Love Units that I can give my wife over the next few months. I would appreciate any suggestions. Please help me bring her back to me.<P>The more imaginable the better. I will consider any suggestion. The emotional need she craves most is attention and affection.<P>Please help!!!

J Willy,<P>Start another post...<P>Subject "Ladies... what will make deposits in your Love Bank?"<P>There is nothing wrong with starting a new thread... and make the "subject" clear in terms of the type of help your asking for...<P>You will get more focused replies that way!<P> <P>Jim

Thanks Jim!!!<P>Great Idea!!