My H has seemed to me to be on some "special mission" or journey since this whole nightmare began.<P>There is some type of affair going on with a coworker who seems to be on this "mission" with him.<P>My H. gave me a book as a present the other day. It is a "cosmic" journey type book that talks about how we are all on a journey and that we are trying to become "one" with each other . The book is trying to get you to see how change, pain , sorrow are all on the road to enlightenment.<P>The book really made me cry and feel such despair. How can a human being look so far away from himself. Become so attached to strangers and ideas that are so "out there" and yet detach himself from the things that are the most important. The greatest gifts and challenges we are given. Our children and the relationships we have.<P><BR>Having him give me this book made me so sad. I know I am new to this situation (it has been about 4 months since the "possesion" and 1 month since he moved out but having him give me this book makes it seem hopeless.<P>He is seeing acounselor but what is he doing. Is he just going there and talking about how everything in the world, but esp. his wife and kids is what made him unhappy and that his calling is to go do great things for everyone else. To go to reach some higher plain of existance.<P>How can a person who was such a wonderful husband and father have so suddenly missed the point.....<P>I feel like packing my bags and just moving on. Trying to find someone who will be a good companion to me. Someone who will accept me as my lowly human self. And someone who can be a good stepdad. Someone who understands about loyalty, love, trust and honesty. <P>I wish my H could put himself into our childrens shoes and feel the pain our eldest felt when he very calmly told her that "no it isn't fair that he is moving out.. but that is what was going to be." like it was the most important event in the millenium.<P>I wish he could put himself in my shoes and feel the hurt, the humiliation I have felt as I have had to listen to the gossip about the OP leaving her husband for my H who "loves her and has loved her for years"<P>Please remind me what lessons I'm supposed to take away from this again. I seem to be having a really hard time tonight.

tootrusting<P>try to remember that the affair usually burns itself out in about 6 months. <P>Harley doesn't say this next part anywhere I've read, but I believe it to be true.<P>If you LB during the 6 months or so of burn-out time, it will extend the affair. Don't do anything that will make him defend her. <P>I tried to tell H that OW was coming between us and destroying our marriage. H was so caught up in defending her that it bonded them together to fight the common enemy (me).<P>are you in Plan A?<P>if you can't continue plan A, maybe it's time to go to plan B. or some other plan of your choosing.<P>My H thinks his EA is necessary for him to "serve God". <P>I wonder where they get these messed up ideas. Do they invent a story and tailor it to fit their desires?<P>Keo

Dear TT: Reading your post reminded me of the era in the late 60's and early 70's where people were encouraged to "find themselves" and to leave their marriages if they were not "happy" anymore. My personal favorite is "I don't know who I am". It was silly then, and it is silly now.<P>It almost sounds as if your husband has joined a commune or a cult, and that this OW is part of that way of thinking.<P>My heart goes out to you and your kids. And I understand your anger and indignation to have been relegated to insignificance for his absurd cosmic mind-expanding search to attain a higher plane. Good grief.<P>My husband shouted at me in a crowded restaurant "I left you! I left you! I want to go to Hawaii! My Dad always wanted to go to Hawaii, and he died without ever getting there."<P>My answer was "Your Dad would be so proud".<P>It's tough when we are dismissed in exchange for self-absorbed stupid stuff. But, that is part of the mid-life thing, I think. It's such a waste and so many people are hurt by one person's selfish actions. I mean, how dare they? Who the he## do they think they are??? Why does their happiness take precedent over their children's happiness and peace of mind...or their devoted spouses's happiness?<P>I believe we have grown into a nation of self-indulgent, grossly immature, shallow and self-serving big fu##ing babies without any real character and dignity. There's so little to respect anymore. So little we can count on anymore. <P>There was a time where a man's honor was the most important thing in the world to him/her. Having the respect of family and community meant everything. Having self-respect and dignity was its own reward for doing the right thing. There was a time when people could trust each other, and a wife could lean on a spouse.<P>I know there have always been blackhearted scoundrels, cheating spouses and scandals and decadent behavior. The difference today is that these people are celebrated when years ago they were ridiculed and dismissed as fools.<P>You're in my prayers.<P>=^^= catnip <P>

When my H first left, I kept reading that the affair usually burns itself out in six months. Actually that appears to be a minimum. I don't know if my H's affair will ever burn itself out, as long as the OW is willing to meet his need for financial security, but it has been over a year since he left.<P>

If I were you I would high light the important things that pertains to your situation, in that book!!!! and give it back to him, and say I high lighted some things you should re-read!!!! there has to be information in there, that refers to this situation some what...!<P>Hand him the same BS back... and mirror his personality, back to him, calmly and ever so sweet.. and let him see you have sat down and thought this through, like him, and have come to realize it is not his fault.. he is being coned!! show him your higher inteligence, by pointing out all the good this books information gives, as to your situation... (that is, his and your situation!!!!) If this book has so much great stuff in it.. it has to pertain to right from worng as well as love for one another... right??<P>You go girl! and you stand tall! and show him how much smarter, you are....!!!!<P>AV<P><BR> <BR>

My H thinks he has a "pyschic bond" with the OW, and can "physically feel her thinking about him"...<BR>She is into meditation and all that...<P>Yes, one counselor told me it is part of the midlife crisis "search for meaning." <P>However odd it seems, be careful not to say anything disparaging...that will backfire.