If I sit down with my wife and try to find the causes to why she has had/still has an affair, is that love-busting?<P>I'm now on my way into PLAN A but is still waiting for the SAA-book on the way overseas from Amazon.

scandinavian,<P>If you check out some of the "quotes" on the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> posts...<P>...one worth noting is... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Whoever is attempting the Plan A(betrayed)... should understand that *THEIR* spouse(wayward) defines what is a Love Buster!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...i.e. if your spouse thinks it's a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>... then <B>it is</B> a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>.<P>"try(ing) to find the causes to why she has had/still has an affair"... can be considered a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>Disrespectful Judgment</A>... because by finding the cause (no matter how objectively or logically you think you're approaching it)... the underlying feeling of "fault"/"failure" will surface and cuase her to resent <B>you</B> (not the fault/failure)!<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> can be almost anything... and that's sometimes why it is so hard to do a good <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. The Harley's even has another book on the topic (<B>WilliamJ</B>'s favorite book)...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>... but I'd recommend reading <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> first.<P>Use the links on MB to find out more about...<BR>1. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>Angry Outbursts</A><BR>2. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>Disrespectful Judgments</A><BR>3. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>Annoying Behavior</A><BR>4. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>Selfish Demands</A><BR>5. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>Dishonesty</A><P>as the most common <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!<P>Keep asking...<BR>...it will take a while to absorb the details...<BR>...and put into practice all that is here.<P> <P>Jim<P>

Hey Scan,<P>sorry about the name, lazy ya know.<P>anyway Jim is right about the love busters, you smiling at her could be a love buster and you wouldn't know it and asking her if it is would be another love buster. But then you would know not to smile at her. You just never know.<P>But you could do some research as to why on your own. Below is a link to the emotional needs descriptions. These are all described in great detail in "His Needs/Her Needs" also by Harley. Not meeting these needs for your spouse is usually the reason behind the affair.<P>Look at the needs, try to figure out which might be your W's top 2-3 needs and honestly ask yourself if you were meeting those needs for her. That way if you do sit down to talk w/ her about why, she may respect you for at least trying to understand her and not judge her for having the affair.<P>The important thing is not to blame her, disrespect her, judge her, tell her she is wrong, etc. You know that now. If you are going to ask her why, do your research, post it on the board, get some feedback, and go to her with some answers. Of course, you run the risk at being completely wrong, , but at least she will know you care enough to try to understand.<P>Good luck, and keep us updated.<P><BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5520_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5520_qa.html</A>