I just read your post to "whattodo" and was curious....I don't read many post from folks in your position. Are you calling your story a "success" or a "regretable error" that is turning out all right? Not trying to justify or find some support from those who have got to that place...but could you be more specific in your views now looking back. Would you have done it had you the choice to wind the clock back? <P>I would like to hear your heart on this...perhaps you have already posted such a note and I missed it. Maybe you could point me to where I could read it. Thanks.

I responded to "whattodo" with a pretty long post trying to get him to open his eye's and see the entire picture if he leaves for the ow. I keep going back and looking but I don't see it so I assumed it never posted. Is that the one your talking about, and if so how come I can't see it?

Bonnie,<P>You may need to hit refresh on your browser.

Well shoot, that's what I did do. I've never had that problem before. So, can you see that post? Is that the one your refering too?

yea...that's the one I read. Has it been a costly thing for you?

Guess I found my answer...came across an older post of yours and read more...seems like there are those out here "floundering" that would want to take hold of your case, as rare as it is, and say..."see...it can work". I do appreciate you giving some things to think about though.<P>[This message has been edited by NoMas (edited March 21, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by NoMas (edited March 21, 2000).]

Sorry, I figured it out and saw the post. Geez, you ask a question that's hard to answer in a few short paragraphs. I visit marriage boards for a couple of reasons. One is that I think a lot of the marriage advice given is good. The emotional needs etc. is excellent. I visit this site in particular because my affair caused my first husband to become insane, abuse of my children and my constantly fearing for my life. This went on for months and months. I do "feel" for the people involved in affairs because I know first hand what it does to their emotions. I've also seen first hand what you may have to go through if you decide to leave for the om or ow and if the love is a fantasy or you do still have love for your spouse you won't make it. When I left my first husband I knew I didn't love him. I didn't lie to him about that part. I never ever told him I loved him and the other man. He was never mis-guided that I may change my mind and want to be in my marriage. My husband (who was the om) never mis-guided his ex that way either. He never gave her the impression that he was "sitting on the fence". I've also read posts that say that the man doing the cheating was saying things negative about his wife. My husband never said a bad thing about his ex wife once during our affair. Anyhow, how our affair started and why is an entirely different story and you didn't ask that. Do I regret being married to the other man? Not for one second. He is a fantastic husband and a fantastic step dad. My kids adore him, my parents and siblings adore him and even my ex's family likes him. Neither one of us ever cheated on our ex spouses before we met each other and neither one of us think it's a good thing too do. I wish I would have met him before I ever married my first husband and I feel terrible that we met later in life then we should have. We did and do love each other very much and we never second guessed ourself. Most on this board have spouses second guessing themselves. If there is any thoughts that you love your spouse or any hope at all that you could make it work for them I strongly encourage that and to end the affair. But once in awhile that spouse is gone. They are gone with their entire soul and I ache when I see a betrayed person go on and on with false hopes because they are prolonging their pain and they are hurting their spouse too. I've seen a couple on this board that are acting like my ex did in the beginning before he got really bad. That scares me too death. Bitterness and anger and revenge only comes back and destroys you. Mine is not a success story about affairs because affairs cause a tremendous amount pain to many, many people. But I also don't want the betrayed to end up like my ex. There are times (once in a great, great while) where the betrayer needs to let go before they destroy themselves. I try to watch out for them. I also try and warn the one's involved in affairs what can happen if they do leave their marriages. Open their eye's a bit. I do honestly believe that if my husband and I had not really, really been in love we would have never survived what we did during our divorces. I know I'm babbling and I know I've left out a lot but it's so confusing and hard to explain. I hope I answered your question somewhat.